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| Topic: I think my son is gay | |
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I can't believe this thread is still going. I am in southern CA. I do not see this as a problem if your son is a good person, he is a good person. Like I said, here we are just grateful that children don't grow up to be tweakers or crack dealers, etc. Any child, gay or straight is a gift from god. I was never so blessed and then later couldn't have them. Be grateful for any healthy child. My friend was horrified that his daughter was a lesbian. He very much wants grandchildren. My remark to him as they are in a committed relationship, 2 uteruses, you have just doubled your odds as a grandparent. He said, "I never considered that". are you saying three uteruses would have more of a chance of making babies than one uterus and some testicles?.... still not gonna happen without a man involved somewhere,,,, |
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Everyone has given great advice, but in the end only you can really know what to do. Love him as he is and cherish that, be thankful that you have a son willing to be himself and not do only what other people make him do, cuz in the long run your family's happiness is at stake. A good movie for this type of this is Doing Time on Maple Drive, great movie.... I love this, we usually know our children best and we have to decide what is best for them. |
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I have sole custody of my children. My son is the youngest of three, he 15 years old now and grew up with me. He`s basically surrounded by me and my two other adult daughters. He is smart and in a french immersion program and a constant honor student. He`s sporting a typically longer hair, he walks very refine he joins dance troupes and he dances like a young lady. I enrolled him to Karate which he`s doing very well but during breaks he sits like a lady. I drove him twice to an activity and was surprised that he hangs out with young ladies, his age. I talked to him about it, he said he has plans about his life that he wants to have a family and children one day, but what I am seeing on his actions and ways were totally the opposite. I wish I am wrong. I love him to death but God knows I want to see him as any normal grown up man one day. I don`t know what to do. Please help! Okay. 14 pages in and I haven't read the conversation. I'm sure I'm repeating others, but thats okay - you can hear the same thing from many people. NOTHING that you wrote implies that he is gay. Being effeminate does not mean you like cock. Masculinity is largely a cultural creation - what is masculine in one culture is effeminate in another. 'Ladies' have grace and poise - there is nothing wrong with a (presumably hetero) male having those qualities... though it is a bit different. During periods of my life when I did a lot of yoga, I developed more grace, fluidity of movement, and the flexibility to position myself in a greater range of positions (sitting or standing) which other people found effeminate. It was comfortable. Later I saw drawings from centuries ago of yogis sitting and standing the same positions. When you are very flexible, different positions are comfortable than when you are not flexible. If he is taking dance, then this applies to him as well, but even more so because he is not just becoming more flexible, he is developing awareness of the positioning of his body that is different than you and I have. Be happy for him that he is developing that ability. It does not make him gay. If he is into french culture than he may be influences by images of hetero men who have a different set of mannerism. Some americans associate some of those mannerism with gays, the french do not. It has nothing to do with being sexually attracted to men. I'm not trying to imply there is anything wrong with being gay - I don't think there is. But being gay means being sexually attracted to men. Hetero men can have grace and poise and effeminate mannerisms. |
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Edited by
massagetrade
on
Tue 12/06/11 09:05 PM
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But if the behaviors are a part of that personality, it's not fair to expect him to have to change it cause you don't like it. He needs to be allowed to be who he is. Simple as that. Behaviors can and should be changed to fit into society. People moderate their behaviors based on their current environment every day. You are being so open minded, that you are being ridiculous. Moderating behaviors to avoid bullying makes a hell of a lot more sense and is a lot more humane than saying "Act how you want and wait for the world to become more accepting." That is a completely batty expectation. This is why I only blow snot rockets in some public situations. |
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he doesn't want to be friends with kids who were less serious with their studies. I learned to accept that, but not even one male friend was alarming, I saw him twice eating lunch on his own at school, That made me really really sad. Why be sad? He might be much happier eating alone than eating with his classmates. You mention he is smart. He might feel (justifiably) like he has no peers. Or that the very few peers that he has, intellectually, or just not his type. With girls the criteria may be different. It doesn't matter if they are his peers, he enjoys their company for other reasons. |
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Is it really okay with you to go back to the days of a "white" drinking fountain and a "white" school???????? not at all, but its also not okay with me to criminalize opinions, speech, or beliefs I wouldnt know who to trust with the task of deciding where the acceptable lines were ,,,, Well said! |
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Explain to me just HOW eating strictly live, healthy, nutritionally rich foods is going to cause problems. That makes no sense at all. There's nothing bad in it! Hope I'm not repeating anyone - but in rare cases 'lots of really healthy food' can cause some people problems! There are all kinds of unusual health conditions, some due to rare genetic diseases, that cause people to react to foods differently. Some people's digestive tract cannot handle much fiber - so all the foods that I think of as 'super healthy' are actually bad for those people. Other people have allergies that prevent them from eating many of the perceived healthiest foods. We are all harmed if we get too much of many nutrients, and for some rare people those thresholds are much lower. They need to stay away from some of the 'healthiest' foods. The point is, we are not all the same. |
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I can't believe this thread is still going. I am in southern CA. I do not see this as a problem if your son is a good person, he is a good person. Like I said, here we are just grateful that children don't grow up to be tweakers or crack dealers, etc. Any child, gay or straight is a gift from god. I was never so blessed and then later couldn't have them. Be grateful for any healthy child. My friend was horrified that his daughter was a lesbian. He very much wants grandchildren. My remark to him as they are in a committed relationship, 2 uteruses, you have just doubled your odds as a grandparent. He said, "I never considered that". are you saying three uteruses would have more of a chance of making babies than one uterus and some testicles?.... still not gonna happen without a man involved somewhere,,,, Ms. Harmony I know you are more conservative than me. In CA, MUCH easier and less involved to go to a sperm bank than for two gay men to find a woman to carry their child and not black mail them or make their life hard or charge a fortune. I didn't say I was gonna run out and do it but google the price of going to a sperm bank and then google the price of trying to get a woman to carry your baby. Not to mention here, I have known women whose friends donated the sperm for free. Yes, I am in a very liberal part of the country. Just saying uteruses for rent cost more than a sperm bank. |
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I grew up in a single parent home, my real father was pretty much a sperm donor, he split as soon as he found out my mom was pregnant...I grew up with male role models, usually my moms boyfriend....even with all the male bonding and teaching me alot of male things...im still gay. My dad (her boyfriend that raised me) and my step dad (her current boyfriend) are very proud of me. I did not do what others wanted me to do, I will not just marry a woman and have kids just to make others happy. I am my own person, as long as he knows he is loved and knows he can be himself and not lose everything he holds dear, I am positive your son will turn out fine.
And yes you need a man to make a baby but you dont need one to raise a child |
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Everyone has given great advice, but in the end only you can really know what to do. Love him as he is and cherish that, be thankful that you have a son willing to be himself and not do only what other people make him do, cuz in the long run your family's happiness is at stake. A good movie for this type of this is Doing Time on Maple Drive, great movie.... I love this, we usually know our children best and we have to decide what is best for them. Disagree, your job as a parent is to love and teach them about the ways of the world as best you can, so that they will make good choices growing up. It is NOT your job however to decide what is best for them, only they can decide that in the end no matter what you think about it. The attitude that you have to decide what's good for your kid, even if the kid grows up and wants to go on a different path, is a good way to alienate it. Also, if you try to push your child into any particular box, even when they increasingly struggle to identify with it if not reject it, you don't know your child like you think either. If you did, you'd understand they are trying to make their own way into the world, instead of fighting them at every turn because something isn't accepted by YOUR beliefs. What you believe may work for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. People are way too complex to be limited to any one set of beliefs strictly. You would be wise to realize that, it makes life a lot easier. |
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My uncle was very much like your son, very feminine or metrosexual as my friends and family call it. He was also raised in an environment dominated by women and that was why he picked up those tendencies, but he isn't gay. Also, after he moved out and got on his own two feet, he lost a lot of those more feminine behaviors.
On a side note, even if your son is gay and not just metro, hating him for it or telling him it's wrong is only going to make him feel like crap and put him into a situation where he is going to be more prone to depression or worse. Not saying that you're doing that or anything. If he's old enough, you should just simply talk to him about it to find out if he really is gay or not. Or if homosexuality is utterly abominable to you, don't ask don't tell. |
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Everyone has given great advice, but in the end only you can really know what to do. Love him as he is and cherish that, be thankful that you have a son willing to be himself and not do only what other people make him do, cuz in the long run your family's happiness is at stake. A good movie for this type of this is Doing Time on Maple Drive, great movie.... I love this, we usually know our children best and we have to decide what is best for them. Disagree, your job as a parent is to love and teach them about the ways of the world as best you can, so that they will make good choices growing up. It is NOT your job however to decide what is best for them, only they can decide that in the end no matter what you think about it. The attitude that you have to decide what's good for your kid, even if the kid grows up and wants to go on a different path, is a good way to alienate it. Also, if you try to push your child into any particular box, even when they increasingly struggle to identify with it if not reject it, you don't know your child like you think either. If you did, you'd understand they are trying to make their own way into the world, instead of fighting them at every turn because something isn't accepted by YOUR beliefs. What you believe may work for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. People are way too complex to be limited to any one set of beliefs strictly. You would be wise to realize that, it makes life a lot easier. 'Disagree, your job as a parent is to love and teach them about the ways of the world as best you can, so that they will make good choices growing up. ' my job is to love and teach them based upon what is BEST for them that is why I am older, so I can have the experiences which teach me the best and worst paths in life, to teach me what works and what doesnt, to teach me what consequence follows which actions so I Can pass it on as lessons for my own children,,,, What people need to realize is raising children is a BALANCE of things,, that means that you steer them away from what is not good for them, even if they fight you tooth and nail, thats the hard part about being a parent (its not just letting them do what they want to avoid the fight now and watching them suffer for it later) my daughter fights me tooth and nail to stay up late at night, but I know its not healthy for her, so I continue to be consistent in that lesson my son fights me tooth and nail about cooking his own meals, but I know its not healthy for him to go out into the world without knowing how to look after himself, so I continue to be consistent in that lesson its about balance, which will include steering them from things that are bad for them while encouraging things that are going to better affect the outcome of their life once they are on their own BALANCE, it doesnt require a parent to let them decide completely on their own what is "best' because as children they dont have the experiences to know whats best all the time,,,, |
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First off..This thread has lasted too freakin long..secondly..I can't even believe the poster could even write such a thing..So her son might be gay..BIG DEAL..He is going to be judged for that and more when he steps outside of the home..WHY judge him there too?..LOVE HIM AND PROTECT HIM..THAT is your job..In the year 2011(almost 2012 now!)..The world should not still be seeing this as a problem or an issue..for those who still think that gay people actually WANT to be gay and PICKED that life..go pick up a medical book..There have been actual studies that SHOW they are born that way..There is a difference in the way that straight people and gay people are made up!..The way I see it..If you have enough time on your hands too worry about who your "neighbor" is sleeping with..YOU have too much time on your hands and need to go find something to do to fill it up!
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Everyone has given great advice, but in the end only you can really know what to do. Love him as he is and cherish that, be thankful that you have a son willing to be himself and not do only what other people make him do, cuz in the long run your family's happiness is at stake. A good movie for this type of this is Doing Time on Maple Drive, great movie.... I love this, we usually know our children best and we have to decide what is best for them. Disagree, your job as a parent is to love and teach them about the ways of the world as best you can, so that they will make good choices growing up. It is NOT your job however to decide what is best for them, only they can decide that in the end no matter what you think about it. The attitude that you have to decide what's good for your kid, even if the kid grows up and wants to go on a different path, is a good way to alienate it. Also, if you try to push your child into any particular box, even when they increasingly struggle to identify with it if not reject it, you don't know your child like you think either. If you did, you'd understand they are trying to make their own way into the world, instead of fighting them at every turn because something isn't accepted by YOUR beliefs. What you believe may work for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. People are way too complex to be limited to any one set of beliefs strictly. You would be wise to realize that, it makes life a lot easier. 'Disagree, your job as a parent is to love and teach them about the ways of the world as best you can, so that they will make good choices growing up. ' my job is to love and teach them based upon what is BEST for them that is why I am older, so I can have the experiences which teach me the best and worst paths in life, to teach me what works and what doesnt, to teach me what consequence follows which actions so I Can pass it on as lessons for my own children,,,, What people need to realize is raising children is a BALANCE of things,, that means that you steer them away from what is not good for them, even if they fight you tooth and nail, thats the hard part about being a parent (its not just letting them do what they want to avoid the fight now and watching them suffer for it later) my daughter fights me tooth and nail to stay up late at night, but I know its not healthy for her, so I continue to be consistent in that lesson my son fights me tooth and nail about cooking his own meals, but I know its not healthy for him to go out into the world without knowing how to look after himself, so I continue to be consistent in that lesson its about balance, which will include steering them from things that are bad for them while encouraging things that are going to better affect the outcome of their life once they are on their own BALANCE, it doesnt require a parent to let them decide completely on their own what is "best' because as children they dont have the experiences to know whats best all the time,,,, No, but if your child comes into a committed relationship with someone of the same sex, loves that person and appears to be happy with him or her, who are you to tell him that that is wrong? At that point, parent or not you overstep your bounds IMO placing that type of a judgment on the person. If he/she is having problems then yeah maybe you should have a talk with them, but if that isn't the case, then you need to respectfully step out, leave your beliefs at the door and let your child do what is making them happy. If you can't do that, you're not loving them the way you may think you are. Just because your religion teaches one way is best, doesn't make it true for everyone. Everybody is different, and everyone has different needs. One size, does NOT fit all, nor does one path. If you'd take off the glasses of your religion for just one second, maybe you'd see that. Oh and also, kids do have less experience in some things, but the only way they will learn anything, good or bad alike, is if they are given the chance to do so. If they are always shielded from every possible bad experience, they won't learn very much. Sometimes the best thing for a child is to let them go. |
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Lesbian couples are far more likely to raise lesbian daughters. Gay men are no more likely to raise gay sons. There was a study I read once where they determined that a lot of Lesbians just really hate men and they teach that to their kids. I know a gay couple who fostered 21 boys over the years and not one of them are gay. They adopted three boys and they are all straight too. I know SOME lesbians hate men, but I don't think there are really that many that hate men. I am a straight woman who raised two children by myself. One is straight and one is transgender.....they are both female by birth, so by the general way of thinking in this quote, how on earth did this happen? (Lesbians more likely to raise lesbians; so shouldn't my daughters have been straight females????.....oh yeah....it's because the way you raise a child doesn't influence their sexual preferences) the way you raise a child does INFLUENCE them, but it isnt the only thing affecting them even two children in the same home will be influenced by how they are raised and ALSO by their own UNIQUE influences outside the home,,, Beliefs about sex are initially shaped by family values. Later on these beliefs may be shaped by pleasant and unpleasant experiences of sex and also shape their choice of activities and partners. Throughout their life a person's sense of who and what they are has a strong impact on their sexual development and experience." Beliefs about sex are initially shaped by the religion of our parents.... who are for the most part some sort of christian. So we are taught to stay virgins till marriage and to marry the opposite sex. That ALL other sex is a 'sin' and we then close our mind off of any other options. Which is fine, for us...maybe our kids aren't like us. Maybe they don't want to be like us. I think if it were not for religion teaching that homosexuality is evil, bad, a sin, un natural.. no one would even bat an eye over over it. beliefs are shaped by our surroundings, whether they can be traced to religion or anything else perhaps some women that have been mistreated will learn to mistrust men and their children will be influenced by that perhaps some men will have been taught that women are a game to be played and their children will be influenced by that perhaps some parents work in clinics and emergency rooms where the effects of stds and pregnancy are regularly observed and they teach their children the real risks and consequences of becoming sexually active as well as the great responsibility they should take along with it other than just 'feeling good' religion is but ONE of many parts of the potential puzzle of what might influence us in our life journey Religion is EVERYTHING to some people. If religion didn't teach homosexuality was BAD, no one would think it was BAD! The ONLY reason is comes up at all is because religion TEACHES it. No body else cares...get it? No body! this is wrong, before a bible was ever written there were people who felt sodomy was wrong, someone writes a book and others agree with what it says anything written in a book came from someones MIND first, which negates the possibility that ALL objection to homosexuality comes from religion i agree with you 100% that 'someone' got an idea in their mind then 'someone' wrote a book... |
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I can't believe this thread is still going. I am in southern CA. I do not see this as a problem if your son is a good person, he is a good person. Like I said, here we are just grateful that children don't grow up to be tweakers or crack dealers, etc. Any child, gay or straight is a gift from god. I was never so blessed and then later couldn't have them. Be grateful for any healthy child. My friend was horrified that his daughter was a lesbian. He very much wants grandchildren. My remark to him as they are in a committed relationship, 2 uteruses, you have just doubled your odds as a grandparent. He said, "I never considered that". thank goodness he was not on that criteria as mentioned. some people have their own story to tell and I am glad they shared it. |
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Everyone has given great advice, but in the end only you can really know what to do. Love him as he is and cherish that, be thankful that you have a son willing to be himself and not do only what other people make him do, cuz in the long run your family's happiness is at stake. A good movie for this type of this is Doing Time on Maple Drive, great movie.... i will watch this movie. thanks for your comment. |
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I have sole custody of my children. My son is the youngest of three, he 15 years old now and grew up with me. He`s basically surrounded by me and my two other adult daughters. He is smart and in a french immersion program and a constant honor student. He`s sporting a typically longer hair, he walks very refine he joins dance troupes and he dances like a young lady. I enrolled him to Karate which he`s doing very well but during breaks he sits like a lady. I drove him twice to an activity and was surprised that he hangs out with young ladies, his age. I talked to him about it, he said he has plans about his life that he wants to have a family and children one day, but what I am seeing on his actions and ways were totally the opposite. I wish I am wrong. I love him to death but God knows I want to see him as any normal grown up man one day. I don`t know what to do. Please help! Okay. 14 pages in and I haven't read the conversation. I'm sure I'm repeating others, but thats okay - you can hear the same thing from many people. NOTHING that you wrote implies that he is gay. Being effeminate does not mean you like cock. Masculinity is largely a cultural creation - what is masculine in one culture is effeminate in another. 'Ladies' have grace and poise - there is nothing wrong with a (presumably hetero) male having those qualities... though it is a bit different. During periods of my life when I did a lot of yoga, I developed more grace, fluidity of movement, and the flexibility to position myself in a greater range of positions (sitting or standing) which other people found effeminate. It was comfortable. Later I saw drawings from centuries ago of yogis sitting and standing the same positions. When you are very flexible, different positions are comfortable than when you are not flexible. If he is taking dance, then this applies to him as well, but even more so because he is not just becoming more flexible, he is developing awareness of the positioning of his body that is different than you and I have. Be happy for him that he is developing that ability. It does not make him gay. If he is into french culture than he may be influences by images of hetero men who have a different set of mannerism. Some americans associate some of those mannerism with gays, the french do not. It has nothing to do with being sexually attracted to men. I'm not trying to imply there is anything wrong with being gay - I don't think there is. But being gay means being sexually attracted to men. Hetero men can have grace and poise and effeminate mannerisms. That was the reason why I placed the word "think" because that was what I thought it was. What's more alarming was, my son being so feminine might eventually made him an easy target for bullying. Considering, he's a minor, he is in high school and his community were often children with inadequate information about hetero/homo sexuality. Thank you for your comments. |
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Edited by
w0m4n
on
Wed 12/07/11 04:59 AM
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I grew up in a single parent home, my real father was pretty much a sperm donor, he split as soon as he found out my mom was pregnant...I grew up with male role models, usually my moms boyfriend....even with all the male bonding and teaching me alot of male things...im still gay. My dad (her boyfriend that raised me) and my step dad (her current boyfriend) are very proud of me. I did not do what others wanted me to do, I will not just marry a woman and have kids just to make others happy. I am my own person, as long as he knows he is loved and knows he can be himself and not lose everything he holds dear, I am positive your son will turn out fine. And yes you need a man to make a baby but you dont need one to raise a child That was really heart-warming. Reading your story was really moving, I need to agree it gives me a valuable information and lesson. Thank you for your wonderful input. |
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My uncle was very much like your son, very feminine or metrosexual as my friends and family call it. He was also raised in an environment dominated by women and that was why he picked up those tendencies, but he isn't gay. Also, after he moved out and got on his own two feet, he lost a lot of those more feminine behaviors. On a side note, even if your son is gay and not just metro, hating him for it or telling him it's wrong is only going to make him feel like crap and put him into a situation where he is going to be more prone to depression or worse. Not saying that you're doing that or anything. If he's old enough, you should just simply talk to him about it to find out if he really is gay or not. Or if homosexuality is utterly abominable to you, don't ask don't tell. I hope he is not. I need to ask some help from people like you, to give me enlightenment and correct me if I am wrong. Sometimes, in our lives we don't see ourselves, other people do. That's why I need to ask as I see things on my own perspective and reading stories from other parents, people with same experiences, or even each story was different it would somehow help me in improving my own parenting style. I don't want to see myself years from now, that I didn't do anything until it's too late. I want to be a part of my son's journey whether be gay or straight. I just want to learn more. If I am wrong correct myself, if I am right, well and good. My son is a minor, and I need to love, guide, teach, support him the best possible way I can. Above all, keeping him away from pain and harm. Thank you for you comment. |
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