It's ironic because up until recently I managed other people's lives. This year, I did almost die several times and instead of coming out the other side stronger, I just felt like giving up. Like what did all my talents and abilities mean if I could just die at 40 from a very botched surgery? I am not even close to kept by the way. People assume too much. I barely took anything in the divorce. I wanted the hell out. I went from upper class to lower class in a heartbeat. It was a hell of a shock. I was never an over indulged princess by a long shot. I was constantly criticized. If I had aligned the planets, he would say I did it wrong.

chin up

I was constantly criticized also - it took awhile but I finally realized that I am pretty smart & capable

the criticizing is just his way of making sure you feel inferior...another control thing, but it;s insidious because when someone as important as a spouse or a parent sends constant negative messages to you, you start to believe them after awhile

I found it very important to eliminate any negative people from my life - and remain in contact only with those who were encouraging & supportive.

u can do it

You are kind of making my point. This guy that you were involved in has done a real hachet job on your self esteem. Sad because you seem like a very bright,personable person who probably does have tons of talents ect., besides looks, and ability to help others.

The fact that you feel impotent to in a medical screw up is normal but also and extension of how impotent you felt in a relationship where it sounds like you were chronically bullyied even though you were playing by the "rules" you were taught. Rules that if it includes stinking thinking about how society is based on classes of financial success is only feeding his position of power in your life.

Power that is, in my humble opinion, is wholey undeserved if he can't just move on and leave you the heck alone to live your life without coming by and trying to rub your nose in his superiority you have to.

Sounds to me like you have been through a lot.

Your ex doesn't want to really end the relationship and move on but
you do. However, you are still finding the ties to him somewhat hard
to break. You have taken the first steps and are becoming much more
independent but it has been difficult to develop a good new love
interest because of both the continued presence of the ex trying to
stay in your life and also the emotional ties you have to him and his
friends.

I see it all as a slow process. Is it ever too soon? Too soon to
easily develop a new long term relationship or too soon to have the
same level you once had with your spouse?

If I were you I would try not to have any more interaction with your
ex than is absolutely necessary so you both can move on more easily.
And, I would date as much as I cared to - you never know how or when
you might meet someone truly compatible. They will know of course
that you had a long marriage recently ended and that it will take a
bit of time yet to clear the wreckage. But you never know...being
with a new person might help make that process a whole lot easier.

On the other hand, if you are not interested really in dating then
I would just let yourself have the freedom and quiet you desire and
when you are ready to be with someone else again then it will
happen naturally and you can pursue outside interests and meet new
people.

I don't think there is really an answer to how soon is too soon.
It is never too soon or too late for love and friendship. Some
people find a new love interest after a few weeks and others after
a few years. Some never find it. Some find too many at once.

It will definitely be easier though if you get more physical and
emotional space between you and your ex so you can be less
encumbered by the past. This does not mean that you cannot be civil
but it does mean that you cannot be close. Particularly as it was
not his idea to break up and may well be wanting you to decide it
was a mistake and get back together. This could inhibit both of you
from moving on.

It certainly is not too soon for moving on. Now is definitely the
right time for that and there are many ways forward but having
regular contact with the ex is not one of them...that is the road
back.

I have to look at it as either I am part of the problem or part of the solution from my early treatment days. My ex would have made a wonderful sponsor for me if I needed a tough sponsor as she had all my faults down to a tee. She knew me better than I knew myself. But would I have her for a sponsor. Heck no. I would have strangled her first. Because it is a slow process like what was mentioned. I had to get away from her and stay away from her or I would never recover. Those intense therapy sessions would make me want to go back out there and stay out there. The things she made me aware of tapped right into my rage. Finding out that she was right in many cases and I argued with her anyway helped me in two different ways. First, I found I could handle the truth in small does. And second, I found that in accepting she was right in many cases was why I got so raged. In other words, I was arguing with truth which made me my own worst enemy in trying to move on in any direction. That way when I come to the same conclusion that she did I can just concede the point. But the important point is that I don't have to argue about it. The fact that we haven't been in a relationship for 12 years is really beside the point. I have to deal with the residual anger just like I had to deal with the original anger. Which is wonderful because the truth has set me free from her and lets me move on in a forward direction.

I met my one of my ex’s when I was 19 going on 20 and I have known him for 23 years. For the last 15 years, we have had a totally platonic relationship.

When we are both single, we tend to spend a lot of time together, we shop, cycle, eat out, socialise and even travel together with the kids (our son and my youngest that he is not the father of) and by ourselves.

We are best friends and family yet in many ways we have created a kind of co-dependent relationship. Whether this is because we trust each other...know each others skeletons and where the bodies are hidden or because despite have different personalities, we have many, many things in common…I don’t know. We still argue and bicker like mad but our friendship has never, ever been abusive.

Despite dating other people following our breakup, it took three years before I could commit fully to another person/relationship.