Okay this is a totally serious question. I have a lot of computer skills, etc. my ex taught me. For the past 20 years, every ball game, rock concert, etc. was attended with him, etc.

What do I say when a guy says "How did you know how to reconfigure that and fix it?' "Who was the last person you went to Disneyland with?" "When you saw Iron Maiden who took you?" "Who taught you how to cook vegan like that?"

Sweet Jesus on a corndog stick. You are thinking about this wayyyyy too deeply. There is nothing wrong with what you and your ex did. It's great he did things with you, taught you stuff, etc. But a guy won't care if he did those things as long as you don't harp on the memories. Just say something like, "Well, my ex taught me how to do this, and I am grateful". And that is all you need to say. Don't go, "Oh my ex taught me. Isn't he wonderful? Wasn't that sweet of that wonderful dude"? That right there will make another dude go, "Ok. She still has a thing for him". Not saying you do. Just saying anyone you date will respond with that (or something like it).

I think for you...NOW is too soon.

I think maybe you are actually going thru the proper grieving process now...if you went right into another relationsip after the marriage you haven't had time to grieve...it's a process and must be honored....and needs to be done before a new relationship.

I suppse I may be out of line here but I have to say, just to help you along your way and just based on a few things you have said here, as great as he may have been for you in some ways, the man (your ex husband) sounds controlling. Sounds like you did the right thing by letting him go...time to finish it off. Treasure the good memories but don't let them blind you to the bad...just yet.

I did a quick search for stages of grief after divorce. Saw lot's of information that could be helpful. Read a little and see if you don't see yourself, I did. (thinking back 20 years)

I too love the ocean and also music..like i love the ocean, i am very passionate about it.

My ex followed me to any friends party for a few years and we were just chummy till another woman came around for me. It will probably wear off in time especially after u meet someone.

I do not go to any parties where mutual friends are, etc. He literally comes over to pick up misdirected mail and that's about it. I am seriously thinking it would be better for the grieving process if I just mailed it to him at his home. When "jerk face" lived here, he was cool because he knew he was superior to him. BUT recently, I dated ANOTHER marathon running engineer (which I did not know that was what he did when I met him) and all **** hit the fan because my new boyfriend was more successful and not just a marathon runner but a track team coach with several Iron Mans under his belt and a ton of other accomplishments. I was not going to tell my ex anything about any of that but he pushed for details. I am really thinking I need not to tell my ex ANYTHING EVER. Like not even if I have toast for breakfast. Seriously. As part of my income, I do get alimony which pays the mortgage so I am thinking I will just have him email me when he makes the deposits. He really went immature on my last boyfriend though to the point that my boyfriend told me to lie to the ex husband and say we broke up so he would lay off. Something that only my ex knew the password to (a router) went down and he screamed at me, "You are with another blanking engineer. I am no longer your technical support. Have him fix it". Second that I said I had broken up with my boyfriend, the ex is over here fixing everything, etc. My most recent boyfriend, we are broken up, even went so far as to say if he was going to give me that kind of grief let him repair the whole darn condo and save him the work as long as I did not get involved with my ex. I do not have romantic feelings towards my ex. I have only what I can describe of uncomfortable twinges of pain from him and his sarcasm. What he did physically was nothing. What he did emotionally and mentally is still very raw and real. I think until I really do not see or hear from him, it is like picking scabs open. And I had lost weight and my most recent boyfriend said I looked good. My ex husband gave me the back handed compliment of "You aren't all sickly and gross like I thought you would be".

I think you guys would be proud of me. Michael also had a set of keys as he was my I.C.E. person. I knew if I waited for him to come over here, he could ask to step inside and say NO and make a fuss. SO I drove clear to his work in Camarillo, there are cameras everywhere. I brought him his stuff and got the keys back and told him that as long as he keeps having contact with me that it's just going to hurt me more and also ruin any relationships I have. Which it already cost me one person who I had a great affinity form. I told him that he is not to come by or phone. He wanted to phone. I told him NO that if he had something to say to email me if it was that important.

You know what I find very intriguing about you, you are very open.

He hit you and you're still close to him, talking to him daily? Wow.

Well in my culture, we love hard and we fight hard. Passions run very very high and hot and often because of that passion, tempers sometimes flare and run hot too. There is much screaming, yelling, and hand waving. I was quite used to this. The night before I told him to get out, his temper was scary bad. Not the usually passionate culture type thing but like he had really really lost his mind. He grabbed the closest thing he could find and threw it at me hard (he is an athlete). He hit me right below my right knee cap. Nothing broke but I had a huge bump and bruise the next day and right after it happened, I couldn't walk for about 2 hours. He immediately realized what he did and ran and got an ice pack and was crying. I was very scared because he had narrowly missed my little dog at the time, Gunnar. If he had hit Gunnar, he would have been at pet emergency. I know lying to get him out early was the wrong thing to do but I also after witnessing him lose it like that felt he was capable of doing anything. He just had this crazed look about him I had not seen in 19 years EVER. So ya, I lied to get him out because I was afraid if he could do that once, there could be a round two. Filing was probably the hardest thing I ever did. Our family says if it's that bad, you don't get divorced. You kill the person and carefully hide the body. (that's a family joke) A lot of times people comment on my butterfly tattoo. I had seen the movie "Committed" with Heather Graham and she had a tattooed wedding band so I got my wedding date tattooed. The tattoo artist had admired my sternum (I know that sounds weird) and talked me into another tattoo. I picked the most feminine one I could find. It was supposed to be in blues. I had it changed to pinks. I regret the tattoo because I remember the circumstances under which I got it. Also, guys will think I must have half a dozen more which I do not. People assume the one on my ring finger is a gang related.

I the Goof.

Can I borrow this line?

not a whole lot different, really - it does remove some of "you chasing" appearance

but as long as you allow him free access to your life, he has more control than I know I'd be comfortable with - hence my first statements

but u are u -not me, obviously

I know it is a situation I would not tolerate - divorce is divorce -

I have no particular desire to be involved with my exes

considering other life goals you may have, should you really be accessible to him every saturday morning? Unless having him in your life is one of those goals...

just a thought

No, I have been listening. Believe it or not. I was paying attention. I think it's all about control. I think he was swinging by to see if there was a guy in the kitchen in his boxers making coffee and pancakes or something. He would also comment if there was a box where I had ordered my vitamins or something from Amazon.

If you read my previous post, it's been taken care of. He has no keys and he has been explicitly told NOT to come around or call. He works for a company with a lot of trade secrets so that is why I took his stuff there and got my keys back there. That place is wired with video and audio. He had no choice but to act polite.

I changed my answering machine message to "You have reached the Ventura chapter of crazy eccentric chicks who don't answer the phone. Leave a message and we MIGHT get back to you".

can I use that answering machine message? funny!

yes agree it was all about control, and I am only on here periodically so I have not had a chance to read the whole thread, no.

But I agree that he was not only trying to see if another man was there, he was trying to stay in your life to DETER another man from taking an interest in you

I can smell that particular brand of rat because my ex used a similar tactic after we split up to keep other men away - not exactly the same as your situation...

but because of my own experience I smelled a rat in yours

Feel free to form your own chapter!!!

thanks! Actually I never listen to my voicemail amyway

That doesn't explain why you actually stayed in touch with him and saw him after he hit you. You don't have to explain, I'm sure you have your reasons. But, it just seems weird to me.

Mental and emotional abuse are tricky and a weird thing. I logically understand that I have emotionally battered women's syndrome. I logically understand that with him it's a whole power thing. I get all that but it's a complex thing that you feel the abuser has power over you even after they tech. don't and you feel you have to please them or be nice to them out of fear of what they may do even though a lawyer could biotch slap them for doing anything.

My live in ex boyfriend was abusive and I threw him out 7 days after full abdominal surgery when I wasn't even supposed to be out of bed. This is the one you have heard me say I threw across the room. I had PTSD for about two months after requiring heavy medication because PTSD is actually a chemical response in the brain.

These things are not logical but they happen. My doctors say I am incredibly well adjusted for what I have been through and that I trust men in general is pretty much a miracle and that I hold them in high regard after all this. But that in and of itself is dysfunction.

For one thing most guys are not going to care who took you anywhere or taught you anything.

What is important would be that you have the ability to LEARN not who TAUGHT you. You are giving the EX way too much of your own Power.

Sounds like you might have physically divorced him but he still psychologially owns you. You give him credit for everything good or positive in your life. That is just wrong. But you are addicted tot he luxery and if you have to live like most mere mortals I think it would be a real shock to your sense of self worth because he has you convinced that being kept by a wealthy man makes you successful when really it just made you an over indulged Princess with no self esteem in your own abilities.