..to people who have been out of relationship for an extended period of time. As least a thread on this, but nada. Nothing. So now I guess I'm stuck and have to ask the question or inquire. Who, what, how do you do to get over those fears, nerves, and related emotional barriers? I would guess most people experience this. I know being here is one step. But what about the other steps? People need people.

Wait a minute. I need to check my pulse.

Okay. All is fine. I'm calm.

Just l;ike swimmming, sometimes you have to jump right in or get in slowly. But you have to get in sometime! Eitehr you rule your fear or your fear rules you. Who is in charge of YOUR house?

Never become impatient. It can be your own worst enemy. Expect nothing from nothing, as stupid as that sounds.

So what exactly are these problems Mr Jazzy?

Specifics will help get better insights to begin resolving some of these difficulties.

How long have you been out of the scene?

And what are you doing WITH "being here"; Initiating conversations? Nudging? Flirting in threads? Matching?

Help us help you!!

I don't dwell on it anymore. I haven't really dated in three years and while it sucks, in the end, it really doesn't bother me. I have gone out once in a while, but I tend to go with VERY informal, nothing serious type of thing so I don't find myself worked up, nervous and don't consider it a date. We've usually covered some topics beforehand, so it's easy to fall back into those conversations, if branching out gets weird or awkward.

Like I said, however, its been a while. I don't generally find most of the guys I've spoken with, and the couple I do are to far away for it to matter.

My insight for the day. As a child I was told that I was too old to play with dolls. Today I have Mingle2.

Many things!...Use it as a learning experience...look to self to gain understanding about my part in the breakup and work to change what needs changing...own it!!...Most of all I don't beat myself up...Giving in to fear is crippling.....If you fall off the horse, stand up, dust yourself off, and try, try again....The more often you get out there and meet new people, the easier it becomes...Good luck to you!! Stay calm my friend!!

I think your premise -- "people need people" -- is erroneous.

And I used to feel that way, but I've since learned otherwise. There's a bias in favor of "pairing up," etc., as a cultural norm, but it's really not a "need."

Everything I actually need to do -- eat, sleep, breathe, think, move around, write books -- I can do perfectly well on my own.

After nearly three years of being single, and living in a place where I don't know anyone, and having very little interaction with anyone outside of on line, I've come to realize that I don't need anybody for anything. Well, I need whoever manufactures the Pepsi and gets it to the store, but I don't need any personal interaction with anyone.

Not that I wouldn't like some, every now and then. But every relationship I've been in has been worse than being alone. So, until someone comes along who is actually worth my time, I'm OK with being alone.

Lex,
You make a good point. (And by the way, I became a fan after your post complaining of women whose profiles say they have 'n' children, invariably followed by "and they are my world". That was the funniest serious thread I have ever had the pleasure to read.)

Oh... the point to which I refer was the "People need people" quote. I'd like to affirm your sentiments in part, and suggest that it is a good mental exercise (and perhaps indicative of good mental health) for a person to be happy with themselves, and in their own thoughts without the need of company or distraction. I'd also like to disagree in part by pointing out that you are not the recluse you describe yourself to be so long as you are blogging this much. 30,000 posts does not a hermit make.

Also, being humans, there is a hard-wired need (for most people) to have social interactions with others. Solitary confinement as a punishment might illustrate this.

We are also hardwired by our genes to pair-bond. We have a biological imperative to mate with someone with good and compatible genes and to raise those offspring until they can themselves pass them to the next generation and so on. And so begins our frustration when people act on this instinct and cease using their brains, it seems.

This may explain why it is that so many profiles make it clear that the young single mother comes as a package deal. She is looking to secure your resources to complete her goal of raising her existing offspring until mating age. As a concession to you, and in furtherance of her own goal as well, she may like the idea of mating with you, also, and your new offspring will cement the relationship for both the new child and the one from a previous mating. As is so often the case in the news, the first child sometimes perishes by "accidental shaking" or similar, causing each reader of the morning paper to shake his or her head and wonder how people could be so dysfunctional.

But really, these are our genes making decisions for us, sometimes.

So, my advice to JazzyDude would be to be comfortable with yourself alone, yet recognize also that some of your feelings might be hardwired. Managing this conflict for yourself is something you have to figure out all by yourself.

Good luck to you, Sir.

HR1437 now makes it mandatory to include "AND THEY ARE MY WORLD" at least once in every profile in which a single mother mentions her children.



Right, this is totally in line with my own view on the subject. I've noticed a lot of people who have real issues with being alone. There is a psychological indoctrination at hand when you hear people talking about "my other half," etc. -- makes you wonder about who this person was prior to MEETING the "other half." Did they even exist up to that point?



Not in the on-line sense, but I am pretty much a hermit in real life. You could flip-flop the comment and see it as "30,000 posts means you probably don't have a hell of a lot else to do," which would be fairly accurate, to be honest.



No argument there, conceptually. What I'm saying is that people can train themselves to live without social interactions. It's doable. It's certainly not ideal, but -- I'm trying to think of a good analogy here, but I can only come up with a bad one. So I'll use that for the moment. OK, a person who loses a leg can learn to function without it. Given the state of prosthetic advances over the past 10 years or do, it's not uncommon to see people with prosthetic limbs engaging in athletic competitions. And that's a great thing, although I suppose if you asked them, they'd probably all prefer to have the real leg back.

So that doesn't really address whatever it is I was trying to get at. Anyway, yes, everything else being equal, I think a certain level of social interaction is a desirable thing. That's not always possible though. So I guess my point is, I don't see it as a "need" as much as a preference. Maybe a strong preference, but still....

And to be perfectly honest about it, sure, I'd love to have someone in my life. But I know it would only last three months because that's when they start trying to change me.



Exactly. I have never had any desire to be a parent. The concept makes no sense to me. I don't see any particular reasons to want to pass my genes along. There is nothing special about my genes, they are what they are, and there are already way too many people on the planet.



I would chalk it up to the indiscriminate practice of reproduction among many who don't have a clue about what it entails. So kids end up abused or neglected or hungry or dead because of some adult's incompetence and stupidity. And yet this doesn't stop them.

When I was younger, I dated several older, divorced women with kids. I got a good, long, harsh look at the parental mindset, and I decided it was not for me.



Exactly, and this is why I have repeatedly stated that I am not going to be a slave to biology (not counting the eating/drinking/breathing part) and I really have no interest in getting involved with anyone who wants to do that.

And yet, I continue to be pummeled by correspondence from single mothers who tell me I just need to give them a chance....! Sorry, ladies, it ain't a-gonna happen.

Well, Lex, I have yet to receive my first unsolicited note. So your aftershave is at least working better than my own.

Either that, or "Author" sounds sexier than "Programmer". hmmm...

Be heartened, however, that there really are women out there who made the same decision that you did.

My last girlfriend lasted 14 months. She was never married, never lived with a lover, and never had children. She had herself fixed, worked her way through college, got her master's and and works 60+ hours a week in a mad quest for money and possessions to impress her friends and particularly her father, for reasons not fully understood.

She dines upscale, drinks upscale, parties in limos, and has two places, both on lakes. It was a long-distance relationship (just one state away) and she made it clear from the beginning that she would likely never be able to live with someone again (since school).

She's 40. Great girl. So they're out there. Plus, she had a couple of friends who were similarly inclined. One is a lawyer and the other a chief surgeon.

So take heart, my friend, and keep the faith!

To be honest, it took me awhile in the forums before I started getting noticed. But if you post enough, and make yourself a presence here, you will definitely get noticed, and you will start getting some messages. I'm not going to predict whether that will be a good thing or not!



I think "Author" scares them away. I get called "intimidating and complicated" all the time, and I think maybe the "Author" status has something to do with that.

Now "Programmer" presents a similar problem. It indicates you have some brains, and I'm not getting the impression that women are looking for intelligence. I mean, you'll see "I'm looking for an intelligent guy!" in a lot of profiles but I think that's just for appearances' sake.



I keep hearing that but there's precious little (if any) confirmation of that rumor.



My last gf is someone I've been on-again-off-again for the past 12 years. She is the most intelligent person I've ever met, unbelievably creative (she did the covers for my first two books), has a great sense of humor, and was never ever boring. Maybe even more importantly, she decided around age 15 that she had no interest in having kids, and that was the clincher. So I have met one person who genuinely does not want kids.

Problem is, she can't stick to a commitment, either. So we've been doing this back-and-forth thing for ages. I'm actually tired of it. But she has become a sort of a yardstick for me -- after being with someone like her, it would be difficult for me to go back to the types I was involved with prior to meeting her....

You guys need to try a seedy one-night stand with some skanky drunken bar hags.

They don't a damn what your title is an probably won't even remember your name in the morning.

It's an option.

A thing to remember about to be social with members of the opposite sex,.....

Don't apply undue pressure.

Seriously, think about it. lot of people here are searching HARD..for thier next mate.

A Date or hanging out with a chick ain't got to mean.."I have these expectations, requirements, and a must not do list....if I am going to consider you for my lover"

I wouldn't want that kind of pressure.
Being social doesn't always require long term objectives.

Go out, relax, have fun.

When you are relaxed and being comfortable among people...then the ladies will approach you.

The real trick is...you actually have to be around actual people.

Well said...100%

Actual people?
heheheheheheheh.

Yes, Krupa... That's probably the best advice I've seen in a long time and particularly on-point in a forum of online bloggers.

As for myself, I get out all the time. It's not that I'm dating all the time; I'm just living my life, doing the things I like to do and that puts me into contact with different people on a regular basis. Many of those people happen to be single women. I have yet to have any worthwhile life experience while typing at this keyboard, or while watching television. The computer monitor gives a crappy tan.

When someone says, "What did you do last weekend?", I can sometimes rightfully say that I ran through downtown Cincinnati wearing a red dress, learned line dances at the local Country bar or had fun at a club in Columbus (without mentioning details).

I can't say that I've ever had a "seedy one-night stand with some skanky drunken bar hags". But then again, it's not exactly on my bucket list, either. hmmm....

Do they have to be hags? I mean... what if they were decent-looking and in their early 20s? Does that still count?

Hm I can be in or out of a relationship when ever I want ..Yeah I am lucky I guess ? LOL..

But a good relationship is hard to find ..I am a lil demanding ..But I feel worth it ..And hate to brag but so do others LOL..