For those of us whose children have the misfortune of not growing up with both their (biological) parents,,,how do you decide how to 'split' that child up,, so to speak?

For example, I am a single mom. I have a son who is eighteen and who had his dad actively participating in his life since he was born, while I remained single(until he was 12, at least, when I Re married and my husband was residing in another country and we never LIVED together)

So, with my son, it was not really an issue. I am his mom, his dad is his dad. He is either at his dads home or at my home and his dad and I were the only ones making decisions about him or supporting and providing for him.

Fast forward to today. I am again a single mom to a BEAUTIFUL little girl(an added source of anxiety with all the kiddy pervs you hear about). Her dad is virtually non existent in her life because he still resides in another country and only makes occasional contact with me through email to 'ask about her'.

I hope to be a part of a healthy marriage someday but I worry because my daughter is loving and develops close feelings rather easily(especially with males, for some reason). I know that in a home where there is me and my husband, she will see him and refer to him as dad as he will be the one actually helping me raise and provide for her. I know this will cause her 'biological' father problems when he does write to 'ask about her' but Im not sure how much I should go out of my way to interfere with or define for my daughter her relationship with her male parent vs her biological male parent.


I know there are those who would say his biology trumps everything else and I should make sure my daughter considers herself only a 'stepdaughter' to whatever parenting partner I end up with. But I think biology is trumped if and when there is no other connection and someone else assumes the RESPONSIBILITIES for a child.

I am resolved to let my daughter decide what she is comfortable with and to not interfere. Im fairly sure this will result in her seeing herself like any other child in the (blended) household and referring to him as the other children do. Im alright with that completely, although many would say I am wrong, Im sure.

,,,anyway,, are you in this predicament with your kids, how do you decide?

the kids will decide

they either feel comfortable with the idea of a replacement father/mother or don't and will let you know in subtle ways

my step father has been around since i was 4, never called him dad or treated him like one even though ive never had a real one, just a "how are you" call once a year if he remembered my bday that year of course

it's not your choice to force a parent on a child. if they don't take to him then make sure they know he is a rule enforcer, just like an aunt or anyone else taking care of them, but you make all the decisions for what is best for them. forcing a kid to call someone they don't feel comfortable with a parent only adds to the stress of a mixed house.

it took a lot of tension and arguments in my house before we decided it would be best if he stayed out of my parenting (best for everyone). i look at my step dad as a type of uncle, he had no say in what i did or how long i stayed out, but if i broke one of my moms rules he was right there to put me in place.

different strokes for differnet folks though. it takes plenty of trial and error before you'll figure out whats best for your particular situation.

I think as a mom, i would be very careful choosing a mate with both mine and my childrens interest at heart. many women skip the part about whats best for their children because they often become lonely and self attentive. While they still care for their own children they can often end up with a partner who is not even suited for parenthood. Just because a woman has children and a man does not, this could be a sign that he has not had interest in being a parental figure..

However on the side of two blended families...depending on the age of the child, they may or may not choose to refer to the new person as dad or by their name. I would allow my children to call him by his name if they felt comfortable with that or dad if they so choose, my kids are a little older so I doubt they would call anyone other than their bio dad, dad. I do know chances are they will respect the step-father much more for the time and devotion he would be offering to the household rather then an absentee father...

Id rather have a great role model acting as a father figure for my children than a loser called DAD.

on this, we agree

Any parent should be careful with whom they are going to enter into a romantic relationship with. A blended family between two people whom both have kids can be tough. It is important to remember the definition of what family is they come in all shapes sizes colors ect....

Speaking from my own personal experience here
I have for the last 10 years (until seperated) helped raise my 2 now teenage stepsons. They never called me mom ( they lived with their mom, and I didn't want them to think I would ever try and replace her) They called me by my first name from the time they were 4 &7. I treated them as my own as much as I could. Which was hard considering their mom didn;t really want to raise them, and pretty uch let her older so take care of them. As well as letting them do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. So it was interesting when they spent the weekends with us.

My own side to this, I have a 6 year old son, Who also gets attached to people rather quickly. I have had one brief relationship since his dad and I seperated for approx, 2 months. We were already involved before he got to meet my son.
thats how I'm handling that situation now. Let mommy get used to them , before they get the chance to meet my lil man.
good luck and remember you are her mom, She's more than likely gonn alike who mommy likes.

thanx

Ok well like everything I have an opinion.

For my children I left it up to them, They know who their dad is, they know the good and bad, basically he didnt want them,
but my children are bold and pretty well adjusted, they have no trouble asking someone to be their Dad if they are comfortable.They want a Dad in their lives. They have a truck driver that they call dad, and everyone thinks he is, he calls them his kids even to his family and friends.
Obviously most people wont go this far, but i dont have a problem with it, they want someone there he is, they know who their dad is and if he ever wants to see them he will still be their dad, but children have so much love to give, why cant they have however many men in their lives that want them.


My Mum and dad seperated years ago, I have a dad and i have a Poppy, I love them both equally and always will, My dad is my biological father, my poppy is my step dad,. both are wonderful men, but of them both Poppy is the one who I would go to if i needed someone. Because he is the one who loves me for who I am, my own dad tends to be a little more judgemental as i dont see the things that he sees as being important.

I have two girls 13 and 7, their dad loves them and is very involved in their lives. I got together with a man when my youngest was 3 and he has been raising her since then. For years we told her he was not her, that she knew who her dad was and he loved her. She started developing emotional issues with this, and could not understand why she could not call the man who took care of her, lived in her house, and loved her dad. So we discussed it and let her decide what she wanted to do. She calls him dad.
We broke up recently and she still wants him to be her dad, she is actually spending the summer with him right now. I do not think you should just abandon a child, even if it is only a step-child. He wants to take care of her, she wants him to be her dad. Why should we deny a child the love of any parent figure.
Her bio dad has a problem with this, he says it should stop now that we are split up, I told him the same thing I wrote on here. Why should she not have someone who loves her?