When do you think a child should be allowed to have a boyfriend?

My daughter is 13 yrs old and wants to "date a boy". I told her that she's not allowed to date until at least 17 yrs of age.Just found out that she's had a boyfriend for two months! Grrrrr! I've had the sex talk with her already..she says she wants a boyfriend cause everyone else at school has one lol and yes I've asked her if she would jump off a bridge cause someone else is doing it..

I don't know how parents made it through teenage years without throttling their kid lol..I'm going by my instintics which tell me don't let her do it yet other parents are saying let her cause she'll do it anyways

What would you do? Should a child be allowed to do something just because its the new acceptable thing to do? Or should I keep doing what I'm doing and fight against it?

my sister's daughter is the same way, for me i actually think it's best to let them because it's worse when they are doing it against their parents wish.

What is her definition of dating?
Be sure you both are on the same page first. Dating can be anything from as innocent as I'd guess to as scary as you seem to be thinking.
Of course these terms change from generation to generation so you need to find out what she's thinking she means.
17 seems a year older than I'd put as a limit, but I am not you.

Howdy, challengingmind

but you know very well that any interdiction will gave opposite reaction and result wanted, do you.

Might you take your daughter for a two-three days somewhere where you could talk like two girl-FRIENDS about her dreams, fears, and desires?

As the old saying goes; "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." That's why "child-proofing your life" is as important as "baby-proofing your space". Literally applicable in any ethape of our life.

Even if something perhaps seems could belated, but your daughter will discover a worlds of adults right away, so prepare yourself and HER first of all. Just start to treat she as an adult too. With the behavioral responsibilities as well.

And please try to zap yourself to some years back in your own teen's ethape. Tell about to your daughter. She perhaps even can't imagine that you also has been a teen with many curiosities and answers needed? ;-)

OK, I propose you to download fre'e report, worth to read anyway even if it addressed not particularly to teens
http://parentingpotentials.com/cb/child-brain-health/104/freereport.html

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/YoungPeople/HealthAndRelationships/ConcernedAbout/DG_068631
http://www.gotateenager.org.uk/
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Talkingaboutsex/Pages/Whocanhelp.aspx

and surely you will find competitive edu-sites in USA as well.

From my experience: even if i have only son (25yrs.o) but i too have
five nieces 6 - 23 age space. I communicate always extremely careful but like with an adult of course. Small doses of "hot" information always was and still is welcoming.

Who else should talk all about? - am persuaded that a mom, grandmas or someone else BUT from a family, if all is there "normal".
That you can control. Street nor friends - no, you can't control. More REAL information with greatest accent on her own-personal responsibility then better.

Hugs

i couldnt date untill i was 16 but then teens can get in trouble

my daughter was dating when she was 13 she had her son at 14 (2months) before she turned 15 and had her daughter at 17 had her the day before she graduated she graduated with honors at the top of her class she graduated 1yr early
she 28yrs old now with 3 kids and another on the way

you cant watch your kids 24/7

my oldest granddaughter is 10yrs old and i had found a play ring and i had given it to her. and my daughter came over later to pick her up and i said as a joke jayda engaged.. ohhhhhhh you should had seen my daughter face.. she was not a happy camper..


by the way
here in oregon if your 3yrs or older its declared sagitary rape

Hello OP,
Perhaps I can shed a bit of light on this interesting question:



The answer is: when she feels ready to have one.
Of course, the next question is: how do we know as parents that a teen is "ready to have a boyfriend"?
Please note that "having a boyfriend" is in no way the same as "having sex". Many young teens will have boyfriend and girlfriends for several years before it actually happens.



The problem with this kind of response is that it is completely counter productive.
1) It's her love life, and she will resent any attempt at controlling it.
2) There is absolutely NO WAY you can prevent her from having a boyfriend. Forbidding someone to do something you cannot prevent them to do only outlines how powerless you are about it.
3) The resentment she will feel toward you will cause her to push you out of the loop. Now not only are you powerless to stop it, but you become uninformed.
4) This pushes you toward lying to you and hiding things from you,
5) This push her to get closer to her peers, gangs, drug and alcohol abuse, and peer influence


Like I said.
You need to change strategy with adolescent. Stop using force (what force anyway?) and start using your influence. This means listening, become trustworthy, having heart to heart true conversations, and ultimately respecting her right to choose for herself. However, DO get yourself involved: get news of her relationship daily, get her to talk about how she feels, if it becomes serious then ask to meet the boy, meet the parent's boy, etc.


...A better way to handle this remark would simply be to tell her how you remember yourself as a teenager and agree that you too thought just that way. Once you have made her understand that you DO understand why this would be important for her, she will be more receptive when you ask her: "Would you want someone to pretend to love you only because others do it?" and challenge her gently by helping her see the other side of the coin.


Your instinct is natural. No parent wants to hear or see their children growing up too fast. But you need to think back to when you were a teen yourself. Teenagers NEED to feel they control their own lives at least to an extend. It's a neurobiological instinct.


You CANNOT win this war.
You can only succeed in alienating your daughter and breaking the attachment bound between you - and that's ultimately not going to help her.
What you need to aim is at
a) Showing her you trust her judgment and understand she need to experiment and manager her own life
b) regaining her trust so that she voluntarily tells you what happens as it happens in her love life
c) Show her that you are a reliable source of advices (not lectures!) and source of reflections and introspection
d) attempt to INFLUENCE her to DELAY sexual relationship until she truly feels READY
e) Attempt to influence her to delay the moment she feels ready (discuss what ready means, how to know, etc)
f) Attempt to influence her to realize that there is no shame in waiting and delaying, to that it becomes really meaningful when it happens
g) Attempt to evaluate if her feelings for the boy are serious and if yes, attempt to integrate the boy and the boy's family in your own.

Good luck!

Update:

After having the famous mom vs daughter battle..we were able to come to a compromise. She can talk with him,hang out with him,give hugs,and hold hands lol
She has to put her school work and chores first though and she has decided to start a new trend regarding labels..instead of calling him a boyfriend which to her implies that they are romantic and they are not..she's gonna refer to him as the a boy that she is getting to know ;)

Believe it or not..I didn't have my first boyfriend til age 17. Didn't even go out on dates.
My oldest is 16 but she's disabled so I'm entering a new territory with my 13 yr old..

I have seen alot of friends who have gone through this..I've seen both the positive and the negative,just wasn't sure if she understood what can happen if there is a bad fall out from it..and I'm talking about the sex..I'm talking emotionally.I've seen where kids have been destroyed and have moved to other schools cause they couldn't handle the rumors,peer pressure and assumptions that happens after a break up nowadays and just from a simple misunderstanding

In my village folks talking:

• Thank the people for that exclusive attention, because they make a miracle and "you" have become a star and then invite 'em in any election you want...

• however has long been known history of barking dogs, and crows cawing, but the caravan passes...

• and now all together:
STOP! You risk definitely lost dissatisfaction with the world...because when You spread Your legs, stretch Your arms & open Your heart...You will realize that You are actually a STAR!

LOL

Hugs

I think you are doing right. It is one thing if she does it 'anyway', but it is another if she feels you SUPPORT her decision to do it. We are there to guide them, not just to make it easier for them to do what they 'want' to do.


Its hard, I know, but keep it up. Every child is different and you know yours and whether she is at the stage to handle it. Chances are she should be concentrating on school and herself and not getting wrapped up in some 'relationship' at such a young age,

good for you. be the MOM,,,,

that 'they will do it anyway' stuff has always irked me,,,lol

For me my parents pretty much had no choice as like other parents have said, I did it anyway. The benefit of me doing so was assisting my mother in preventing my 2 younger brothers from making my same mistakes. If she has an older brother or sister or even an older cousin she looks up to, a talk from them will do more than a talk from you. Sad to say but I truly believe that. If her older sister gave her dating at a young age is bad speech she will probably listen.

If nothing else you could make a deal with her. No boyfriends around unless you or his mother are around. If she complains, tell her it's your job to worry about even the small things no matter what and it's her job to complain about it with no reprieve in sight until she is at the very least 16.

In any case, take her to an AIDS hospice to show her the importance of condoms. Safe sex at her age is much better than uneducated sex.

Dating at 13? Way too young, but that is my two cents.

I have a niece, and she started dating at 16, and that was with me being the chaperone. In fact, if any teenager does not feel comfortable with a chaperone, take that as a HUGE RED FLAG.

I'm not saying to be right next to them all of the time. If they want to go to the movie, for example, fine, no problem. You sit on one side of the movie theater, and I'll sit on the other. Now, they can watch the movie, and that is all good, but if he starts making out with her, that is my cue to jump in and beat the crap out of him. Because any guy who is openly disrespecting my niece, my blood, deserves to get his butt kicked.

If your daughter has Facebook, by all means, monitor it. And lastly, this is going to sound weird, but you should date your daughter. Your daughter should know how a man is supposed to treat her. Don't assume she will know.

The idea that let them do it because they are going to do it anyway is like saying, "Don't have premarital sex, but if you do, use a condom." This sends kids the wrong signal. You are giving them the green light to have sex. If you have a good line of communication with your daughter, you should be able to talk with her, and say that you want to be her guide for her date for her safety and protection. And if you do not have a good line of communication with her, by all means, get THAT first.

Just my two cents.
Shiki

Agreed


Will you also chaperone your teenager each and every time he or she leaves the house to do some things with friends? Every single time?
Because trust me, if he or she wants to go with his or her date, there is nothing simpler than to pretend she goes with friends. Unless you plan to lock your child in their room every day after school, I don't see how viable it is to expect to "chaperone" her everywhere. We are not in the 19th century anymore.


Yes, you are right, this is PRECISELY what it means.

You do realize that in EVERY single state in US where abstinence is the only "sex education" they get, the rate of teen pregnancy and STD is MUCH higher than in state where condom and education is provided?
What is more important - not to "send a green light to have sex", or to send a red light and become a grandfather?

If a boy and girl are responsible, and have open convos about sex, then they should not get pregnant. We act as if people 50, 60, 70, 100 years ago did not have urges. They did, but were able to control them.

I lost my virginity at 19. From 12-19, I took, many, many, many cold showers. Did the trick for me.

Maybe its not the kids..maybe its us as a society that is the problem
In my opinion I personally think we have a problem with how lax we've become regarding the current trends going on.
A lot of kids use the excuse that its their hormones that causes them to act out..to me that is a cop out.
If you want to get technical we deal with hormones all our lives and if hormones are out of whack,there would be more physical signs besides mood swings,pms,and aggression
I've heard a lot of reasons of why kids do the things they do:
Kids having sex cause there was no supervision
Doing it cause they had to or they would loose their boyfriend or girlfriend
To get attention and to feel love
Doing it for revenge
Doing it cause they wanted to
Doing it cause they're friends talk about it and they want to see what all the hoopla is about.

Me and my daughter had a long talk about it.She's known him for 2 yrs.she says she knows she's not ready to have sex and she and him have talked about virginity and he's very respectful towards her.
She has seen what s happened to older teens and she has talked to them but got mxed signals from them such as them telling her she shouldn't do it yet they turned around and did the exact opposite of what they told her

i had my daughter when i was 19yrs old
and my daughter had her son when she was 14yrs old

(i wouldnt sujest that on anyone for being a teen mom is hard work
i had help from my family and of course we help my daughter

when i had my daughter i went to a teen mother program(school)
and there was a girl there that had her baby 7months before she turn 13 thats pretty sad


my daughter is now 28yrs old with 3kids and another on the way
im pretty sure that my 2 granddaughters wont end up as a young teen mom.. my daughter is very open with them

I hate to say it but, As far as sexual content is concerned, compared to Europe, America is tighter than a frogs .....

And teen pregnancy isn't as big a problem there as it is here.