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| Topic: How would you? | |
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How would you deal with an alcoholic family member?
Despite years in and out of both in patient and outpatient rehab programs, its as if nothing was resolved at all... What would you do? |
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depends on who it is. if they are hurting others in the family. too many variables.
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It was harmful, but with ten years of in and out
the family seems to have moved on without the particular individual, we have all gone in different directions with our lives and we seem to function well enough. However, I had been hoping this last stint had been more successful...unfortunately it was back to the same old situation. I don't want to cut this person out completely but I believe there may be no choice |
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you don't have to cut the person out completely. just keep in mind how the person normally acts and set your visits accordingly. family is very tough to deal with, it's almost always easier to just walk away and let them fend for themselves. yet if you continue to show them love, eventually they will come to understand how much their misbehavior affected you and the rest of the family. plan your visits when you expect the "soberest" time for them. we knew a certain family member would get drunk and cause problems, so we would not invite and take plenty of pictures. then we would visit and show them what they were missing out on. they didn't stop drinking, but now when they want to attend a function, they are less likely to drink. if they do they are gently escorted out
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Alcoholism is a very powerful disease. I have seen it in my family enough too, unless the individual is willing to totally surrender then there is really not much that can be done. Many times the fact they are getting help is just a way of getting other family members to leave them alone for the time being. Losing family members or divorce can open their eyes, but sometimes the disease has gotten to the point of no return, they just give up and would rather stay on the current course, than to imagine life without using. After so many promises from an alcoholic, family members will give up too. Getting to the core of why an alcoholic drinks and finding the external and internal triggers can be found through a good outpatient treatment and AA. Don't give up!!
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I think what ese said makes very good sense. better than what I can come up with. I wish you good luck with what ever you do.
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How would you deal with an alcoholic family member? Despite years in and out of both in patient and outpatient rehab programs, its as if nothing was resolved at all... What would you do? I grew up in a family full of people like that, and worse. You can't make someone hit their rock bottom and change. They have to find it their self and make that decision on their own. |
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I grew up in a family full of people like that, and worse. You can't make someone hit their rock bottom and change. They have to find it their self and make that decision on their own. Totage has my vote. All you can do is pray and hopefully they will find their God to help them find their way out of that disese. It's pretty sad...watched my dad drink his life away and then die of cerosis of the liver. Nothing changed him... not losing his wife, not losing his family. |
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Edited by
msharmony
on
Mon 03/21/11 04:49 PM
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set your own boundaries, love them even when they cross them, but use caution in how often you give them the OPPORTUNITY to cross them,
I have friends who smoke weed. I dont smoke weed. I know weed is illegal. They seem to function fine and are productive wonderful people. I set the boundary not to include me in their 'weed' activities or bring them around me, and we continue to function just as we did before I realized they were using weed. All the things I loved and enjoyed about them before knowing that information hasnt changed and I still love and enjoy all those things about them. |
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Totage has my vote. All you can do is pray and hopefully they will find their God to help them find their way out of that disese. It's pretty sad...watched my dad drink his life away and then die of cerosis of the liver. Nothing changed him... not losing his wife, not losing his family. Having grown up from a Catholic family, I have witnessed that prayers by the people who care for the person in need make a lot of difference. |
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We have alcoholics in our family and they are not pleasant to be with when they are drunk, but the person who I
love is still in there somewhere, so I cant give up on that. Sadly we cant help them, they have to do it themselves, the only lifeline we have to throw them is ourselves. so hang in there, |
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I forgeot to mention one improtant thing. The worst thing you can do is enable them.
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I forgeot to mention one improtant thing. The worst thing you can do is enable them.  |
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thank you for the advice... i will not subject my children to this behavior, beyond that i will keep in mind what you have said thank you
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thank you for the advice... i will not subject my children to this behavior, beyond that i will keep in mind what you have said thank you Yeh I dont blame you, My children spent a lot of years with an alcoholic Dad, It is something that I would rather they didnt see, but they do have a good understanding of the damage it can do to your health and family 
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Tue 03/22/11 10:11 PM
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there's nothing u can do
your responsibility to protect yourself & your mental well being, and of course ur kids far exceeds any responsibility to that other person - family or not if u take good care of YOU, if & when that person sobers up/ straightens up. then u will be there as a friend but they can never be trusted near alcohol, money or valuables - so keep these things out of reach |
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Uh, i have a family member who is an addict. As much as I long for their attention...I have to let them go... they come and go...
If your family member is in and out of this problem, i would say enjoy them while they are sober and encourage them as much as possible. Try not to engage with them when they are not where they are supposed to be. It doesnt mean you love them less but they can be very reliant to those around them, especially family whos love is unconditional. |
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I forgeot to mention one improtant thing. The worst thing you can do is enable them. Totage would you agree that often we think we are helping but all we really are doing is enabling? You can't help them it sounds cruel but really you can't. They have to want to stop drinking. It has to be their problem and their road to recovery. Set up your boundaries with that in mind...and stick to them no matter how hard it is. There is a story about a butterfly that was struggling to free itself from its cocoon. I little boy say it and gently tore the cocoon to help. The butterfly soon fluttered to the ground and died. It turns out that the struggle is what strengthens the wings in order to allow them to fly. |
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I never thought of myself as an alcoholic, but others did. From the drinker's view I never thought that I had a problem, but drinking for breakfast is not good. Looking back I know I lost friends because of my drinking, but there were a few that stuck with me. I went through some programs (I did not volunteer for them) but they did not work because I was not ready to quit. It took a bad accident to wake me up and get my head straight so I did not feel like I needed a drink anymore. That might be what he needs, a wake up. But when I was drinking, there were people who still cared for me but while I was drinking I knew not to come around their house because they talked to me about it (probably a few times). Now that I do not drink any more we are still friends but those that wrote me off I have not heard from. I guess the question is do you really want to cut all ties or just help fix the behavior?
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I never thought of myself as an alcoholic, but others did. From the drinker's view I never thought that I had a problem, but drinking for breakfast is not good. Looking back I know I lost friends because of my drinking, but there were a few that stuck with me. I went through some programs (I did not volunteer for them) but they did not work because I was not ready to quit. It took a bad accident to wake me up and get my head straight so I did not feel like I needed a drink anymore. That might be what he needs, a wake up. But when I was drinking, there were people who still cared for me but while I was drinking I knew not to come around their house because they talked to me about it (probably a few times). Now that I do not drink any more we are still friends but those that wrote me off I have not heard from. I guess the question is do you really want to cut all ties or just help fix the behavior?  I am so happy you have your life back
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