I would talk to you about this via email if you'd like; I do not like
posting. Why on earth have you given up the custody issue?

Terese, it would be enlightening to others if you can provide some
advice in the forums... I understand you not liking to post, but maybe
some general guidelines? There are a few others here that could use
some guidance, it gets desperate at times...

Please Kate, let us know how it develops, please.

I will, i'm going to make a call to the police station pretty soon to
see if i have rights and if the law will be on my side.

I do not mean to sound off-putting when I say I do not like to post. I
know a fair amount about child support, custody, visitation, and child
welfare. I don't like to overgeneralize, as laws differ from state to
state. But mostly, I hate getting into arguments with people who are
opinionated but misinformed. That happend to me a while ago on a
discussion thread concerning child support,and it truly bothered me,
particularly when I considered the level of need of the person whe was
asking the question.

In any case, here are a few general principles. Women, too often, are
bullied by exes who control them with the purse strings. In the case of
a person who posted here, she was being bullied by an ex who was trying
to convince her that she was guilty of "abandonment," a ridiculous
allegation, but one that becomes more true with each passing day that
she didn't fight aggressivley, march into the house, and demand the
children. Never buy that argument!! And know that once the children
reach the age of about 11, their voices ar elsitened to by the court,
often in the peroson of a court-appointed guardian ad litem, who
advocates for hrte children's best interests.

There are free legal advisors in every state who can advise custodial
parents, whoa reoften, but by no menas always, female. Title IV-D of
the Social Security Act created the Child Support Enforcement Program.
The IV-D Program, as it is known, has a federal office with all kinds of
resources, and offices all over the country, in every major city, that
provide FREE services to help get paternity established, if necessary;
establish a child support obligation; and help the custodial parent
collect that support. A custodial parent should never relinquish the
right to collect child support--it belongs tot the child,and it is the
child's right to have. The fight may be long and the money difficult to
collect, but many free resources are available. Especially if the
non-custodial parent's ssn is known, one can have bank accounts swept,
income tax returns diverted, the non-custodial parent's assets attached
or seized, licenses not renewed. The goal is to make is more difficult
for the non-custodial parent not to pay than to pay. Employers over a
certain size--pretty small--are REQUIRED to cooperate by identifying
individuals who owe child support. Wages can be withheld. Inheritances
can be grabbed. Medical insurance can be required. Military personnel
can have their wages and benefits assigned. The remedies I describe are
available across statelines, and in many cases, internationally.

My advice is not to be bullied and never to give up. Never send the
message to your child that you are a victim, unless true physical danger
to you or your child is involved, and then the police should be involved
and a protective order sought. That has the additional benefit of
strengthening your custody claim.

I say this as a professional involved with these matters--in a former
job--but also as a single parent of four teens. My ex is a powerful and
successful attorney, whose idea of fair play was to empty the bank
accounts in an effort to stop me from beig able to fight him. I refused
to allow him to bully me, and fought him every step of the way. Today, I
have sole physical custody of my children, alimony, child support,
other benefits, all while holding a fulltime responsible job. Maybe
most important, my children know that I will not allow anyone to debase
me or them. That's my message. Be well and be strong.

Well, I was stupid and told my ex's g/f yesterday if my ex was drinking and driving and he came to pick my son up he wouldn't get into the car. Guess what, my ex was drunk but smart enough to have his sister drive. My neighbor..a retired cop told me that he could tell my ex had too much to drink. I could have had my son immediately if i had kept my mouth shut. He could have lost our son through child endangerment.

I know someone who had, as part of her court order allowing her ex to have visitation, a requirement that he take and pass a breathalyzer test in her presence before she would release her children to him.

I was going to say...its in my court papers that my ex can not drink 12 hours before picking up my son. He can not drink in front of my son and if he is caught drinking with my son, then he can not have my son at all. BUT I did it the legal way and made sure it was in my court papers...he hates me for doing it but I did it to protect my son.
Good luck

That is an excellent response! And you can never make an exception.

stop being bitter and move on, you,ve wasted enough time with this jerk!

I think it is inappropriate to describe a mother's repsonse to this situation as bitter. She is defending her child, as well as trying to afford him or her a safe home, and the financial resources to which he or she is entitled. It is difficult not to give up when the going gets tough, and to decide that you will "do without" just to be rid of a poorly-behaving ex. But especially when children are young, and the ability of the custodial parent to earn is affected by the need to provide childcare, it is imperative that the custodial parent fight and fight and fight, if it comes to that. GET custody; GET support; and then you can laugh instead of being bitter.

That's the problem pepper, If it wasn't for my baby(10 yrs old) the I would move on. Unfortunatly my dumb ass ex will always be in the picture and I will have to deal with him.

Fine, then stop with all of this I hate him nonsense, get dressed and go out and get another guy, this time a decent one.

Hugs and love, Kat. Did not read the whole thread, but hate that you are hurting.

Email me if you need me. M

Thanks Michele


now pepper are there any decent ones left my age who doesn't mind kids????

katertots, i've been a single father raising my son on my own for over 3 1/2 years now and my ex wife has ONLY seen my son maybe a dozen times MAX and only for short weekends at a time. i know how hard it can be. my advice to you is to make things between you and your ex BLACK & WHITE. #1 i'd say tell him that his gf is to NEVER call you, there is NO reason for that. #2 arrange a SET schedule for ur shared custody and do NOT sway from that. #3 set some repercussions to take place in the event of him NOT following through on the arranged SET schedule. also make it PERFECTLY clear to him that you will NEVER leave ur son on his sister's doorstep ALONE waiting for his father. IF he wants to be a REAL father then he needs to act like one or stay away. more advice from my experiences is to NEVER close the door on him being in ur son's life, but to make it PERFECTLY clear to him that if he wants more freedom then go get it and leave you and ur son alone while he's off drinking and doing what ever other stupid things he's doing instead of being a REAL father. and if EVER he wakes up and chooses to be a REAL man and a REAL father......THEN come make some arrangements with you, but you and your son do NOT need him coming and going in and out of ur lives at his convience. life revolves around our children....otherwise we are not REAL parents. kids NEED stability of some sort. IF one day per month is all he could GUARANTEE to be there for ur son, then that one day per month is better then 20 days per month that he breaks ur son's heart thinking he's going to see his father and his father's off drinking or doing something else instead of being there showing ur son how important and special he is. well i could on and on and on, lol, but i'll stop myself now. hope i helped any and i just want you to know you are NOT alone in the world of raising kids alone or with having to deal with immature, selfish EX's. if u need someone to talk to or anything then i welcome you to contact me anytime at jared_shelby@yahoo.com
take care always katertots and God bless you and your son

Thank you shelby but at the moment he has physical custody(not court ordered but by law). We do have a set schedule. I get him every weekend unless i'm too sick to have him or I go out of town w/o kids(happened only once). Our set time for me to have him is from friday late afternoon(when i get off of work) to 4pm..was 2pm but I extended it 2 hours so my ex can play longer. He doesn't care about our son to highly. He called him stupid when he failed the 3rd grade a year ago and that was because he had nobody at his dad's house to help him..yeah his dad was too busy with his g/f or at the bar. I told him before that I didn't want his g/f to call me but he only does what he wants to do..he doesn't care about anyone else.

katertots u really need to push the custody issue with ur ex. in my position i have refused to take things to court, but that's bcuz i have my son full time bcuz my ex wanted her "freedom" and she didn't want any responsibilities. i was fortunate for this in ways, however at the same time raising kids on ur own and paying child care and everything all by urself is just TOO ridiculously expensive, but i prefer this over taking her to court for child support and risking losing my son even if just on weekends. i NEVER stopped my ex from seeing our son and she STILL could if she cared to, but in my position i just do NOT want the courts to FORCE my son to go see his mother when all she's had to do is talk to me and we'd make some arrangements on our own, but that way i would know that she actually WANTS to spend time with him. but anyways, in ur situation i think i would be in court TOMORROW and i would fight for full custody and wish for the best and take whatever they end up giving you and then start documenting any UNSAFE situations ur ex may be putting ur son in and take him back to court as many times as you need to so that he'll either change or that you'll end up getting more and more custody of ur son.

Hey Shelby, If i had the money I would have been in court 2 years ago. Unfortunatly with me raising 2 others and no child support i'm doing everything I can to provide for my kids.

ahhhhhhhh ok i understand. im sorry didn't realize that. i live in california and there are many programs to help single parents here, are there any like that over there? i don't partake of those services though bcuz then they'd launch an investigation and go looking for my ex and i'm happy how things are now even though im just barely surviving financially, at least i have my son fulltime and that's MORE important then having more money. but there should at least be free lawyers paid for by ur state so that u can take ur ex to court, i would think.

If there are free lawyers in Indiana then I haven't found them yet. I've been searching. But I do have a friend who's uncle is a lawyer. She's going to talk to him about my situation and see what he says. Well, it's that time for me to head off to work. Thanks for talking to me. Hope you have a great day.