Well, Thats the perfect time to make changes. All too often we sit in jobs that we hate, eroding our souls and use it as an excuse not to make changes. Often something negative like a job loss, turns out in the end to be the reason for a wonderful new opportunity. Sometimes life will kick our a** in the direction we need to go. Onto our path if you will... and not always gently. Start looking at want-ads/ employment centers in a place you would like to be...Good luck, I have the feeling something good is about to happen.

Thanx again everyone, your words are much to kind ^^



I dont mean light, literally, I mean in in a sense of "Dark and light"
Although I do hate taking pictures....
For me, its usually something unknown, New things and Change are kind of Scary

Ahhh, ty... thought you were talkin about a light sensitivity.

No, Im lucky to be healthy for the most part
Not in the best shape but I cant complain ^^"

Thats why you should embrace it Dont let your fears hold you back in life. I would rather face it head on than give it influence over me. Once you do, it no longer has power in your life. It totally changes your perspective. Besides, the racey heart thingy can be fun!

^^"


Thinking about it makes me nervous....

Of course...but its also exhilerating and exciting. It makes you feel like your going to puke but at the same time afterwards, its such a rush...and instead of being fearful you will be proud.

^^"


Im not sure how its exciting, but to be proud is good enough for me

Fear is a funny thing... hard to understand.

We fear lions because they can hurt us but if a 2 month old lion came up to you, you might wonder for a moment... but hey, no problem.

Sometimes, folks fear things that won't hurt them... in our heads we know it's true but somehow that fight/flight response kicks in just the same. So it's a matter of realizing what will/won't harm you in this world and a systematic desensitization... that can turn fears into exciting things.
Sometimes pain's a trade-off; take some pain for some greater joy... relationships for instance.

Friends help... some peeps need a little paid help to start off. Nothin' to be ashamed of for those that do...

Fear and pain, learn to like them

interesting ^^



I would like to look into fear further, its an amusing subject

you may think this is an antisocial defense, but it is not. you are angry, yes? sociopaths repress each and every single emotion to the subconscious, and it is automatic. they have no limbic activity, which are emotions. you have a mood disorder and are straight up pissed and mad at the world. you have a chance! your dark is also your light, but only when you choose to make decisions you know will help you. like posting this, and yes, that was good to express.

research sociopathy and antisocial personality disorder - I've been studying this for years and do catch them from time to time in my net, but nothing to do, scare them a bit and set them free. these people did not pass developmental psychic states from ages 2-6. they do not have ANY EMOTION, NONE. not fear, not anger - they rage to release the pent up energy from repressing all emotional stim. it may seem that they hate, but that's not it. they don't even hate people. I know it's confusing...they aren't punishing anyone, really. What it is: when you automatically repress all emotions you shut down the center of the brain (limbic) that applies emotional meaning. without emotional meaning it is hard for people to find a reason to go on - they are the walking dead. what is life without pain and beauty? so what happens most often is they hide out in society and rage when the subconscious energy is stewing and they have no idea what those emotions they had were, when they experienced them, because they sunk them to the bottom and cannot retrieve them. it eats away at a person, all the unknown emotion. with serial killers, it is interesting, they use the death drive to kindle libido (life force) -- because they have no emotions, which are essential for life force (energy, reason to do something). so they kill, not for power, they will play into you with that, if they wanted power they wouldn't have picked on the weakest bunch, you know, you go after the biggest guy if you have something to prove. no, essentially when they view another's death drive they feel SOMETHING (this is an actual drive, when pain is greater than one can bear, end stage illness, we humans lost most of it, animals just go somewhere and die and its not this big effing production). it is a palpable stimulus which is why they say they enjoy it. it is reminiscent of an actual 'feeling' since they still have a death drive, which had not been messed with and is somewhat intact. they enjoy 'feeling' not torment. the torment is about triggering an innate awareness of death, and being that it's a drive, it creates a positive flow of energy, and it is the only way they can feel energized with life force. sex drive, life drive, death drive, aggression. -- they all create positive moving forces. it's very hard to understand - but when you ask why a man would eat a childs face and genitals without remorse you think of evil - which is a concept. and science of human psychic abilities can explain a lot more than people think. you just have to be educated on it.

Hello Danaleekss ^^


Thanx for your post

It seems to speak directly to me, nearly every aspect

And it is exactly what Im afraid of

Finding my Drive will most likly be harmful for those around

so I keep people away

and keep myself away from myself when I can...


I could never put it all into words before

Hmm, I'm going to object, lol. It is essential for those using these corrosive defenses such as narcissism and antisocial behavior to remain consciously unaware of them lest they collapse under the cognitive dissonance (the gap between what we believe to be true, compared to what we know is true).

The more unhealthy, the more a person radically rejects the exposure of weakness. The mere fact you are expressing yourself and relating to people means you are essentially healthy, although I do know of one self aware narcissist - but he doesn't reach out to reap the benefits of being heard and accepting feedback. He humbly accepts he is driven only by libido(life force) achieved through other people. Essentially he exudes this syrupy thick air of power and omniscience, when it's true he is most definitely the opposite. You know how players are always talking themselves up - if you need to say you 'take care of your girl' - or kids, or talk continuous smack about how great you are, and people do this intuitively to be this certain brand of greatness they assume others to respond to. The truth is people who have genuine, altruistic, creative, attractive features don't need to underline that verbally. People experience how wonderful one is and that is very telling about how fractured people are. People will literally get smacked trying to win me over this way, as it's as obvious as their nose. I don't 'tell them how it is' and that weakness they have, since it would only serve to intensify their deep feeling of reproach toward themselves. You could never expose how truly and utterly damaged people are without hurting them in the process. I am thinking of Catholics who were brutally raped and abused (in the movie Magdelene Sisters, to reference) In Ireland these girls were picked up if they had a large chest or other 'sinful' traits and then forced into slave labor. The family had no power, the church was tops, and it was all a vessel for narcissism. It's diffuse and ambient torture - so subtle. No one wants to be the one to out Father Kevin when he is the glue of the community. In fact when people did and still do this they get blamed! You just destroyed Christmas! These women were so brainwashed that they even practiced this toxic religion more intensely - as it is in and of itself, a morbid defense for the most ill and damaged souls. And it's important to note we all have these defenses to varying degrees. I am admittedly antisocial, narcissistic and on the same page (but the female correlates) -- I can sense borderline and histrionic tendencies. These are the dramatic defenses, and others cataloged in different sections are schizoid/paranoid defenses and others like passive-aggressiveness.

You can't find your drive, it's there all the time, people fail to properly fuel it. The difference between people who can and who can't is about whether they internally regulate themselves (also self soothe, promote themselves) and people who depend on the outside world for regulation. It is pure torture for them, and people that destroy others in this cycle are suffering to an incomprehensible degree.

I can help you. But please read at your leisure as it's a lot to take in. :)

Freud was extremely talented at fleshing out the human psyche. You have the Id, which is the primary drive, the animal drive: it wants, it needs, it pines after. We live in communities, which separate us from the rest of the animal world, but that required extra dimensions to be achieved, and we are still working out the crises of the design. Freud talked about the Id needing to be disciplined, so evolution added the super-ego (SE) which is basically this center in your brain that stores the voices of authority and is also carried on in the genes as the most functional themes become recurring genetically (evolution). Think of the archetype of Eastern thought, where ancestors were pleaded with and regaled - this is it! The SE had to be effective, as who would opt for not plopping your neighbor over the head for his Mercedes, if you were 6 ft 7? What is the most effective influence of behavior? Pain. Suffering. These of which are all part of the successes we have as the living. There is an illness where people cannot feel pain. These children are locked inside the house as they'd start chopping off body parts just for fun. Usually they burn themselves badly, they have no reception to pain or discomfort. We would have never lived if it were't for negative reinforcement. So the SE uses the primitive drive of the limbic center, fight or flight, aggression and fear. If you were abused or neglected these voices are unrelenting messages of damnation, unless people are performing to the visible satisfaction of others. It's like a viral infection, people hijack others' healthier ego defenses since theirs is nonfunctional. The ego is the middle man, he is also influenced by outside influences, and he developed to protect itself from an over-active SE - it negotiates - because these drives have no independent reasoning and regulation, whatever it is it justs fires away. So the SE fires anxiety, fear, guilt at the Id, if it was learned that behavior one was employing will decidedly lead to demise. I worked in a really small town the other day, and being me I tend to attract attention. This family was at a restaurant, I walked in with my stethoscope around my neck. First the mother looked at me and looked pleased yet jealous of both sexual prowess and intelligence. I smiled weakly at her to let her know I wasn't someone who paraded around my greatness for others to feel inadequate over. (In fact I over express my weaknesses as a defense, since I automatically cause self reproach in people who feel intimidated.) -- the children were under 5 yo, and they ate up their parents reactions innately. The mom relaxed, but triggered the father to look, who did but abruptly turned away, as in, 'OMG I'm going to get smacked if I don't control myself' (b/c men just naturally stare at beauty, they are mystified and rendered powerless, like Homers' Sirens.) Well of course the quicker one snatches their gaze away means you had a deep response, and this mom knew exactly and again stared at me, then back at the husband, who was spastically grooming the food on his plate. The children again stared at me, and them. And this was all in a few seconds, but these types of judgments toward people are how the child forms its 'ideal' person - it is highly based off of the approval of the most important and influential people. We are tethered to societal acceptance and that is the BOTTOM LINE in suffering. If you don't have a 3 car garage and dress like this, you're not successful, and so forth. See, you don't have a choice in this matter, these messages are exposed in mental illness as voices and they are critical, violent in those who have an unacceptable weakness. Think of it, we project outward resilience and lie to even ourselves about our strength, depending on how thickly applied and negative these messages are. I just explained all biases in mental illness right there - it reminds people of their weaknesses, and they are cowering if they have a militant SE. You trigger them with weaknesses and they have to sit and negotiate their needs by using the ego defense, especially if you have similar genetics!!! You ever notice how sick family members terrify the living hell out of you?! If mental illness runs in your family, most people become estranged and isolated because there is all this triggering going back and forth leading to ambiguity, indifference in maintaining the relationship. It becomes overwhelmingly painful without....therapy(ta da) --because these therapists are well respected, and they quickly subjugate your unhealthy, less credentialed SE. It overrides the whole system - you are now employed by their healthier SE or ego, well both actually. We do this all the time, why do we care if this person acts like this or that, we attempt to regulate them as we live by each other. The health of someone else directly affects ours. The more powerful your SE is, the more powerful the Ego has to be to control it, block these messages. Higher defenses are always preferable! But if they are not available people will use anything they can get their hands on. The ego negotiates the id's needs, otherwise it shrivels under the pressure of a damaging SE: id says 'I want that cookie' -- SE responds 'not before dinner' -- the ego moves defensively 'well you dad let's you have one before dinner, so it's okay sometimes.'

You isolate to avoid being triggered. We change these messages by practicing self promotion on the conscious level. I tell myself, 'I'm not a bad person for having a want or making a mistake - I'm generally great and my mind tends to be overly critical and judgmental, the truth is more in line with how I try and do my best,' --we must practice forgiveness and learn NOT to accept these negative evaluations -- this isn't you, this is a toxic psychical process. We also hang with people who have strong, function SE's and well balanced ego abilities - too strong of an ego can lead to overly gratify oneself.

both models can be correct at the same time. it's a matter of what helps people or not - this design is speaks to me and because of it I have helped people in better ways. i'm not stuck on any theory being the correct one. i don't believe we are capable of that.

Transcendentalism - haven't thought of that in a long time.

And again, I believe in evolution and I outlined that in the posts above - I integrated that with a combination of social influences and stated after time it changes the animal on that level. I just don't know how much influence to a percentage one has over the other. all the latest research brings to light the genetic predispositions - I have learned that certain genes can be turned on and off. if you are predisposed and you have a major event, those genes that honor defenses might get turned on. it is very possible the sociopathy has been groomed by the forces in life as a viable alternative to spiritual death (and in that, it becomes physical) ...I honestly believe all illness has a spiritual component

^^

I have an imbalance....and share Characteristics of other things

but I guess Im use to it

"Sick" or not

I will be what I has always been

Nice to read your posts. I have been accused of being anti social by my spouse. He even bought a book of how to deal with difficult people. LOl... for that very reason is why I don't like hanging out with him... I never bought a book on his disorders .. and there are plenty of them. I like people.. i just don't like the games they pull on each other. There are some people who are genuinely nice... then there are others who just seem that way. I find it is always difficult to sort it out at first because they are so good at "playing" people. I would dearly love to have some good girlfriends to hang out with... but it is easier said than done. I don't want girlfriends who eventually make a play for my husband.. and I have had plenty of this go on. I want friends that if I say .. hey .. lets go hang out down at the beach or go to an interesting place.. they want to go. I walk when the weather is not so hot outside .. I would love to have some great friends who walk with me.. the problem is that many already have friends and they are not willing to expand the circle to allow any more into it. So... because this goes on in the world.. I am accussed of being anti social. If you ask me .. too many are trying to be therapists anymore. I don't mind men as friends... just don't expect sex from me is all. Oh well.. that is how I see it.

thanks for sharing your story