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| Topic: Abusive Relationships | |
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ...
maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko |
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Has he had alot of stress during the time he became hurtful? School subjects become a little more difficult? Not that it is an excuse to treat you that way, I just like to try to analyze situations to see what may be the cause, and then work with that on how to remedy the situation. sorry, this was actually supposed to go to you He has an unbelievable amount of stress with family. school has been an excape as have I.. being that Im involved only to the point of being a shoulder to lean on when he needs someone to carry him through. I get that we all have our hard times, he was there for me during the roughest parts of my life. But now all the drama he went through is over. I asked him to respect my wishes that I dont want to be involved with his family and he doesnt like that. His family has done a lot for me, but they also have royally screwed him over and Im not okay with how they treat him, and how they reacted to the situation. Sorry for rambling about this, Im just so frustrated about one particular situation that was resolved about 2 weeks ago. You hear someone complain and grieve over how hurt they are but the instant the person apologizes they go back to being best friends. Its just annoying. I might be overreacting but Ive seen this kid go through so much **** with all of his family members, for him to forgive so easily bothers me, and Im not hiding it from anyone. No problem, I figured that when you talked about the stress he has, etc.  
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Sam, he might have been at one time your best friend, but a true friend would never abuse you. Another thing is that verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse. I am not saying that it will, but it can. You can not stay in a situation like that for long. And realise that you can not change him. For your mental and physical health I would suggest getting away A.S.A.P. Good luck Exactly,,,god I would love to just shave off a the abuse part for her...andsave her energy for all the good out there... without what the effects off it is... I protected my youngest son his whole freaking life from being bullied,used by a girl...and his own father.....etc. In the process I taught him and gave him his tool...he still talks to me..we debate a lot at this time..which is great.... See if I meet that loving, caring, financally rich soul that would give me the oportunity to put my energies on none paid possitions....I'd be a happy camper ,working towards caring for another and my passion, to share my experience and knowledge... I don't have a degree...so it's about humanitarian deeds and giving freely, for those in need..like this... I should have been a cop.... I want to be a social worker.....I wish they checked your background and intence interigation to see if you are qualified.. I've seen some real dumb *****... Woman..you and I are so a like.. 
It is sad that we probably went through the same emotional roller-coaster to get to this point in our lives. |
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He has an unbelievable amount of stress with family. school has been an excape as have I.. being that Im involved only to the point of being a shoulder to lean on when he needs someone to carry him through. I get that we all have our hard times, he was there for me during the roughest parts of my life. But now all the drama he went through is over. I asked him to respect my wishes that I dont want to be involved with his family and he doesnt like that. His family has done a lot for me, but they also have royally screwed him over and Im not okay with how they treat him, and how they reacted to the situation. Sorry for rambling about this, Im just so frustrated about one particular situation that was resolved about 2 weeks ago. You hear someone complain and grieve over how hurt they are but the instant the person apologizes they go back to being best friends. Its just annoying. I might be overreacting but Ive seen this kid go through so much **** with all of his family members, for him to forgive so easily bothers me, and Im not hiding it from anyone. He has, and I have witnessed it. I cant believe a mother would treat her kids the way Ive seen him and his sister treated. However, when I try and talk to him about it he puts up a front and gets all defensive and I just cant figure out how to make a point to him. Everything I say is always corrected or wrong, so I just give up. I care about him too much to just let him go and wish him well on his way. But I dont know if he cares enough to want to change for not just me but himself. Sounds like he has lived the cycle of abuse also. So to him it might be normal. And stress is no excuse for a reason to treat another person abusivly. Sam, you can not make him understand. He will be defensive. And you can not change him. Period. I hate to be harsh, but if this is what it takes to make you understand, so be it. He will not change for you. He has to want it for him. It is like an alcohlic having to take the first step. Take care of YOU first. Make sure you are safe. Then if later he comes to you, you will be able to help him seek proffesional help. is it normal for him to play the blame game when I threaten to leave.. Like he says ohh be just like everyone else thats walked out of my life. And then he tells me to get the f out and move back home. Then when I finally say Im going to he throws a pity party saying Im all he has left (which is true) so I stay. But thats not the only reason I stay. The few times weve seriously gotten into arguments and Ive tried to leave, I can never get a hold of anyone to move back home. Phones are either down, no answer, or idk, it just doesnt happen. |
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There is some valid advice about verbal abuse possibly turning to physical abuse from those two. He may be conflicted about forgiving his family for what they did to screw him over as one reason he's like that, but again, not an excuse to treat you that way. You more than likely should move out if you have the option, and try to make it where you can still attend school if possible as you said home is 100 miles away. Any other roommate possibles at school?Dorm room maybe? Rather you be safe more than anything, it would just kinda be lame that you'd possibly have problems staying at that school because of his actions. Did you ever talk about why he treats you that way with him? I have a friend going through a similiar thing like you, and she had a talk with him tonight about it. Maybe he doesn't realize how mean he is? Hard to say as I don't know what he says and what provokes/antagonizes him to speak to you that way. In short, definitely do what keeps you safe. Could you ask your friend how she started this kind of converstaion? I rarely take the lead in anything we talk about and this time I need to be the one talking and he needs to shut up and listen. How do I make that happen while being respectful? As for other housing, there arent really any other options besides moving home, and that cant happen because of, well thats another story :) Will ask her tomorrow about it. I gave her advice on how to handle it, from a guys point of view. |
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Here is my 2cents: I am 38. I got divorced last year. After the divorce a guy I bowled with and seen at least 1 a week for a year, offered me a job working for him. I liked him as a person and thought I would like to date him, I also needed a job, so I accepted the job. It wasn't long and we started dating. He was great I was so happy. I moved in with him and then I started noticing things. We were together 24/7. He would get upset if I talked to anyone. It didnt matter if it was a friend or family. He called me all the time. If he didnt get his way he would make it sound like he did so much for me and I didnt do anything for him. He told me how much he loved me, and he even told me how I didnt love him. Now if you haven't caught on yet, this man was controlling. When things were good, they were real good. But when he didn't approve of something I did or that HE THOUGHT was wrong, crap hit the fan. The guilt trips started!!!! When guilt trips didnt work, all the mean things he could think of would come out of his mouth.
Now this man never hit me!!! But emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. I know I have been through that also. I realized one day that I was asking myself : "wow is what he said true am I like that?" Now I knew better, I wasnt like that but I was still doubting myself. Finally I realized that this man that loved me and that I loved. Was doing nothing more than killing my self esteem!! He was doing it to have control over me. I admit it was very mildly that he was doing this, but i knew the signs and I also talked to friends about it and they told me to get away from him!!! We broke up a few times and I noticed the stronger i was the more argueing we did. I finally told him. I love you but for me to be truely happy, I cant be with you. I packed up my things and left. Yep I went back a few times. STUPID!!! But again I kept my eyes open and he was still doing the same thing. Each time we broke up quicker and quicker until a month ago I said goodbye and meant it. I seen him tonight and he told me he thinks of me daily and loves me and wanted to know if I ever thought of him. I told him I do think of him, but we dont see eye to eye and I wouldnt get back with him. I hope this may help you decide what you want to do. By the way I kept going back to him because of a few reasons. I did love him. I also needed a job (he fired me everytime we broke up). And well my family that I lived with made me feel like I was imposing by staying at there house, no matter what I did, it wasnt good enough either. So I kept going back to him. Better men are out there.. it may take awhile to find him, but one day you will. |
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Is he bipolar? From what you said about how he is yelling at you one sec and sobbing for you to stay..maybe he needs medication or therapy. Has he been like this the whole time you've been friends? Sorry if you answered that to someone already, i haven't read all posts.
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko u have to be freaking kidding......the mind of roko....I may as well put a gun to my head...  
were is the bite me icon......
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko he makes me feel bad about myself when he compares me to other girls that are in his eyes considered beautiful and he makes jokes about my body. thats not abuse, but to call me the maid in the house and when i have to fight with him about doing the damn dishes or cleaning the bathroom or even vacuuming and he tells me to stfu ***** and just do it, i live here for free its the least i can do. yea i take that as abuse considering he lives for free and i dont run under his command. he says these bad things that im selfish and a ***** and heartless and its just not true. because i go against what he wants me to be doing, is when he lashes out and calls me names and gets pissed. i dont have to stand for that. |
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There is some valid advice about verbal abuse possibly turning to physical abuse from those two. He may be conflicted about forgiving his family for what they did to screw him over as one reason he's like that, but again, not an excuse to treat you that way. You more than likely should move out if you have the option, and try to make it where you can still attend school if possible as you said home is 100 miles away. Any other roommate possibles at school?Dorm room maybe? Rather you be safe more than anything, it would just kinda be lame that you'd possibly have problems staying at that school because of his actions. Did you ever talk about why he treats you that way with him? I have a friend going through a similiar thing like you, and she had a talk with him tonight about it. Maybe he doesn't realize how mean he is? Hard to say as I don't know what he says and what provokes/antagonizes him to speak to you that way. In short, definitely do what keeps you safe. Then Im sure everything went well. Msg me about it if you can. Could you ask your friend how she started this kind of converstaion? I rarely take the lead in anything we talk about and this time I need to be the one talking and he needs to shut up and listen. How do I make that happen while being respectful? As for other housing, there arent really any other options besides moving home, and that cant happen because of, well thats another story :) Will ask her tomorrow about it. I gave her advice on how to handle it, from a guys point of view. |
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Is he bipolar? From what you said about how he is yelling at you one sec and sobbing for you to stay..maybe he needs medication or therapy. Has he been like this the whole time you've been friends? Sorry if you answered that to someone already, i haven't read all posts. No worries I havent been asked that yet. Uhm it wouldnt surprise me if he was because most all his family is. But he uses it against me, saying on minute get out leave, and then when I finally go to do it, its your all ive got dont leave me. I feel like the only time he appreciates having me around is when im not here. and by then its too late |
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko he makes me feel bad about myself when he compares me to other girls that are in his eyes considered beautiful and he makes jokes about my body. thats not abuse, but to call me the maid in the house and when i have to fight with him about doing the damn dishes or cleaning the bathroom or even vacuuming and he tells me to stfu ***** and just do it, i live here for free its the least i can do. yea i take that as abuse considering he lives for free and i dont run under his command. he says these bad things that im selfish and a ***** and heartless and its just not true. because i go against what he wants me to be doing, is when he lashes out and calls me names and gets pissed. i dont have to stand for that. Ok so...leave...find your own place to live 
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko he makes me feel bad about myself when he compares me to other girls that are in his eyes considered beautiful and he makes jokes about my body. thats not abuse, but to call me the maid in the house and when i have to fight with him about doing the damn dishes or cleaning the bathroom or even vacuuming and he tells me to stfu ***** and just do it, i live here for free its the least i can do. yea i take that as abuse considering he lives for free and i dont run under his command. he says these bad things that im selfish and a ***** and heartless and its just not true. because i go against what he wants me to be doing, is when he lashes out and calls me names and gets pissed. i dont have to stand for that. He's giving you EVERY clue you need to LEAVE. Take one. |
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Here is my 2cents: I am 38. I got divorced last year. After the divorce a guy I bowled with and seen at least 1 a week for a year, offered me a job working for him. I liked him as a person and thought I would like to date him, I also needed a job, so I accepted the job. It wasn't long and we started dating. He was great I was so happy. I moved in with him and then I started noticing things. We were together 24/7. He would get upset if I talked to anyone. It didnt matter if it was a friend or family. He called me all the time. If he didnt get his way he would make it sound like he did so much for me and I didnt do anything for him. He told me how much he loved me, and he even told me how I didnt love him. Now if you haven't caught on yet, this man was controlling. When things were good, they were real good. But when he didn't approve of something I did or that HE THOUGHT was wrong, crap hit the fan. The guilt trips started!!!! When guilt trips didnt work, all the mean things he could think of would come out of his mouth. Now this man never hit me!!! But emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. I know I have been through that also. I realized one day that I was asking myself : "wow is what he said true am I like that?" Now I knew better, I wasnt like that but I was still doubting myself. Finally I realized that this man that loved me and that I loved. Was doing nothing more than killing my self esteem!! He was doing it to have control over me. I admit it was very mildly that he was doing this, but i knew the signs and I also talked to friends about it and they told me to get away from him!!! We broke up a few times and I noticed the stronger i was the more argueing we did. I finally told him. I love you but for me to be truely happy, I cant be with you. I packed up my things and left. Yep I went back a few times. STUPID!!! But again I kept my eyes open and he was still doing the same thing. Each time we broke up quicker and quicker until a month ago I said goodbye and meant it. I seen him tonight and he told me he thinks of me daily and loves me and wanted to know if I ever thought of him. I told him I do think of him, but we dont see eye to eye and I wouldnt get back with him. I hope this may help you decide what you want to do. By the way I kept going back to him because of a few reasons. I did love him. I also needed a job (he fired me everytime we broke up). And well my family that I lived with made me feel like I was imposing by staying at there house, no matter what I did, it wasnt good enough either. So I kept going back to him. Better men are out there.. it may take awhile to find him, but one day you will. wow. well im really glad you stood your ground and got away. I think you led me on to something though and that maybe its just more control issues than anything else. either way its not okay. but thank you for sharing!! i hope your prince charming finds you soon!! |
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko u have to be freaking kidding......the mind of roko....I may as well put a gun to my head...
were is the bite me icon......
hahaha seriously! im glad all women think the same no matter how young or old |
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko he makes me feel bad about myself when he compares me to other girls that are in his eyes considered beautiful and he makes jokes about my body. thats not abuse, but to call me the maid in the house and when i have to fight with him about doing the damn dishes or cleaning the bathroom or even vacuuming and he tells me to stfu ***** and just do it, i live here for free its the least i can do. yea i take that as abuse considering he lives for free and i dont run under his command. he says these bad things that im selfish and a ***** and heartless and its just not true. because i go against what he wants me to be doing, is when he lashes out and calls me names and gets pissed. i dont have to stand for that. Ok so...leave...find your own place to live
if it were that simple i would have by now |
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko he makes me feel bad about myself when he compares me to other girls that are in his eyes considered beautiful and he makes jokes about my body. thats not abuse, but to call me the maid in the house and when i have to fight with him about doing the damn dishes or cleaning the bathroom or even vacuuming and he tells me to stfu ***** and just do it, i live here for free its the least i can do. yea i take that as abuse considering he lives for free and i dont run under his command. he says these bad things that im selfish and a ***** and heartless and its just not true. because i go against what he wants me to be doing, is when he lashes out and calls me names and gets pissed. i dont have to stand for that. Then why do you stand for that? You're standing for that by staying there. |
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Edited by
justme659
on
Fri 04/09/10 10:34 PM
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko he makes me feel bad about myself when he compares me to other girls that are in his eyes considered beautiful and he makes jokes about my body. thats not abuse, but to call me the maid in the house and when i have to fight with him about doing the damn dishes or cleaning the bathroom or even vacuuming and he tells me to stfu ***** and just do it, i live here for free its the least i can do. yea i take that as abuse considering he lives for free and i dont run under his command. he says these bad things that im selfish and a ***** and heartless and its just not true. because i go against what he wants me to be doing, is when he lashes out and calls me names and gets pissed. i dont have to stand for that. Making jokes about your body is abusive. It destroys your self estem. And that is another way that an abusive person uses to controll another person. |
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there will be more abusive relationships for you in the future...the past is no indicator for future results adage applies only to stocks, doesn't stand true for relationships ... maybe the guy isn't abusive at all, perhaps he's opinionated and saying whats on his mind and your perception of that is abuse..there are no examples of abuse except for "no matter what I say Im always wrong. He makes me feel bad about myself" .. and this doesn't even qualify for abuse since its so general...i know hundreds of girls that feel bad about themselves and there's not even a guy in the equation.. roko he makes me feel bad about myself when he compares me to other girls that are in his eyes considered beautiful and he makes jokes about my body. thats not abuse, but to call me the maid in the house and when i have to fight with him about doing the damn dishes or cleaning the bathroom or even vacuuming and he tells me to stfu ***** and just do it, i live here for free its the least i can do. yea i take that as abuse considering he lives for free and i dont run under his command. he says these bad things that im selfish and a ***** and heartless and its just not true. because i go against what he wants me to be doing, is when he lashes out and calls me names and gets pissed. i dont have to stand for that. Ok so...leave...find your own place to live
if it were that simple i would have by now It is that simple...get a job a leave 
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Sam u haven't responded to me.... Do you have parents to go to or some other adult that u trust?????? Before you make a move..you have to let ppl in and know in our world what is happening..... The safety circle......... Hellooooooo plz.......... I do have people I can go to. Not parents right now though. I Have an older strong figure in my life to go to. I have, to talk things out, but I hardly ever get any advice on what to do next. I just need someone to tell me how to stand up for myself so for once I have the last word. sweetheart, ur last word could be ur last word... As a mother...as a woman,,as an abused female emotionally from ur age....it became a visious cycle...of having a wonderful happy life in a relationship,and other various reprocussions that we live healthy with ..but the risk involved with staying is and will be terrible.. statistics..are not on ur side...(FACT)...... go to a womans shelter or womans abuse hot line....seriously.... talk to them.... u have heard from those of experience....now go talk to the professioanals....... This is also why I am so happy I don't have a daughter....someone would have been dead.....I would have killed for my son..cercumstances were different and worked out... for me..I left faster each time in life....be willing for change...for you...  
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