Now that I am of an age that my 3 sons are grown up I am truly
interested in putting some energy into me and dating, eventually
being with one. I had always found in the past that every guy I dated
just had to involve them self in my boys lives. From unsolicited
advice, telling them it's time for a hair cut, time to clean their
room, telling them they should play a sport they had no interest in....
and constantly critiquing my parenting skills.

Now, keep in mind these were just dates..no living together, they didn't
pay my bills..nothing. So 10 years ago I just bagged it and gave up
on any dating all together.

These boys have never had a dad..so coming along and attempting to be
one would be very difficult on them, and me. How challenging is it for
a man to just love the woman and just let the mother/child relationship
be? My step father never intervened and he and my mom have been
married over 30 years...if he wouldn't have stayed out of it, I don't
think they would have made it.

Did they really? I have always tried to stay as far away from a woman's children as I can. I don't like giving them advice even when it's asked of me.

Yeah, they did, constantly. Nerve racking and frustrating for all...maybe cause they were little boys then. I'm wondering if the fact that they are adults (one still in high school) would make it different now.

I never had a date or boyfriend do that to me. They got to know my son and would do things with him but I did the parent thing.

I would personally think, if I didn't want to share my life with someone.. maybe dating is not a good idea.

thanks for sharing with us i tend to feel the same way.... it would be very hard to introduce a woman into my daughters life cause its always been me and her. I kinda am in a situation where i was giving unwarranted advice but i realized i had done it and stepped back.... and now hearing your comments make me realize its a good choice.

Well, I would perhaps not allow them to meet your children for a good long while, and talk to them about your expectations as far as their interaction with him.

It's not okay for them to parent your child, or interfere with your parenting. And critique it!!?? Their role is to support YOUR parenting!

What do you mean? Are you referring to me or yourself?

both.
In the dating stage.. it's none of their business to try to run you family.
but is somewhat different if live together or married.
The given scenario is like.. I start dating a gal that has just bought a new car. then if we get married.. she expects me to pay her car off, pay for the insurance on it, pay to have it waxed by a pro.. because I can't touch it. and I am never allowed to drive it.
Then if she does not put oil in it for years.. I would be dead wrong to suggest an oil change.
Because it's none of my business.

But I could see your point if the guy was giving mean advice, treating your kids badly in any way, or acted as if the kids were a bother.

I raised my son alone for this same reason.

So your kids are out of the house eh???? You should call me.

It's completely different in marriage or living together...
I never felt anyone was being mean, more like they wanted to save me from my sons, or help me make men out of my boys because I raised them alone.
Too often it was not needed or wanted... we were then and are now doing very well.
Really thinking it would be different now because they are older..maybe not.
That's kinda what I'm asking here.

The car scenario is a bit extreme..

I had at one time dated a man with a daughter. I never told her anything. It wasn't my place. She was so sweet. I adored her. She had a mom and, a dad. I was the gf. I knew my place. BTW, they were never married.

I have dated men that have children, and understand they come first.I don't give advice unless asked..then ask are you sure you want my advice..to double check.I'v raised my son and he's been out of the home 5 years,and I think I was a good mom.I'v always told my date.. you always are a parent first.

since being single with kids , the first time my "date" speaks up to critique my parenting skills OR MY KIDS, or "suggest " they get a hair cut, clean their rooms, etc ?? would be the last things out of her mouth as the door closed behind her ... me waving goodbye to her .

They are your children , PERIOD... unless of course you asked advice .. but if not ??... my momma always says ( LOL) if you have nothing good say , offer NO ADVICE lol

Very hard for certain guys, as you have experienced, already.

That doesn't mean that the other type of guys are not out there.

I suggest you are very upfront with them, after the first month or two of dating (sooner, if needed) to let them know what you expect of them, when it comes to your son's lives. From the sounds of it, you want no immediate intervening, which is reasonable. However, you can always listen to their opinions in private, just as long as they know that your word is the last word, when it comes to your sons. They will either accept it and respect it, or not. I guess that will probably just have to be a "deal-breaker" for both of you.

Just remember, especially if they are a parent, they may have some good suggestions.

Since I never had anyone live with me while raising my kids I never had one that tried to step in and tell my kids what to do or how to do it. Now a few might have suggested things but never in a bad way.

It is a very personal decision who you want in your life and your children's lives. I do think it is pretty impossible to genuinely become a partner with someone if you do not accept that they are your partner in parenting also. That would not be and overnight process but something earned.

Earning that role is something that my late husband, who was and extreamly diplomatic and patient man used to being in a chain of command, earned over time. There were times when he eventually corrected and directed but in the begining he expressed his views privately and we decided on many decisions that way later when I would have trusted him with their lives.

I will admidt that I passed up several people I dated that made their parenting views known that made them highly uncompatiable as a person who would join our family or my life.

Thats strange...it's usually the opposite.

I have a different view. I think it is important for children to see a strong man and a strong woman. I also think it is important for the man and woman in a relationship to care enough for any children involved to be a part of their life. I wouldnt want a partner to just love me and not my kids and , to me , part of loving my kids also involves giving them advice if they need it or setting them on a straight line if they see them faltering.

I would love for my boys to see me in a loving relationship...
these "boys" are 26 , 18, and 15 years old. They want me happy, also need to be who they are without anyone trying to parent them..we are past that.
There certainly could benefit from a positive role model, one who treats their mother well...to step in and attempt fathering would not be good..I feel. Over time a partner could possibly learn to love and befriend my sons..
but setting them straight, as you put it is not their job..it is mine.