A divorced friend of mine has two teenage sons (15 and 13) her ex husband insists the boys spend every week-end and half of all of their holidays with him. During the week-ends he takes them to the "usual dad's places" Mcdonalds,shopping mall, and has even taken them on his dates

My friend and I are of the opinion that he is using the boys to show what a "good father" he is...............Opinions please.

*Footnote* I posted this topic here because I know not a lot of people go into the "parenting" forums.

I don't get why there is a problem.Isn't that what we hope for?

You took the words right out of my head. More dads need to show that they are good fathers. Heck, more fathers who LIVE in the home and AREN'T divorced need to show they are good fathers.

Possibly not the best interaction but it is better than no interaction at all. The kids will get bored with it and ask to do other things with Dad.
Half the time we just hang out at my place. We do the library, go geocaching, sometimes I 'make' them accompany me on adventures. They crab at first, but later say they had a good time. My oldest daughter(18) just moved in with me because she wanted to spend more time with me before she moves away to attend college.
They NEVER go with me on my dates.

I wish my childrens father would have spent that much time with them and I am sure the children would have enjoyed it too. I do not understand the problem

My friend says when he has the children he phones her constantly........... For the most mundane things, she feels he is spying on her. I can only say what she has said, but I do know he is beginning to irritate her.

Damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't. The boy can't win for losing.

yep you said it all there

Yep, something like that. I did point out to her the benefits of having every week-end to herself, especially as her ex does the laundry for the children (school clothes) I think what she doesn't want is the running commentary of where he will be taking them and phone calls when they arrive at their destination. She has told him that the boys are old enough to tell her what a lovely or shoddy time they had on their outing.

I know here it is customary for every other weekend visitation and every other holiday and 1 day a week...and this masn does the laundry she better enjoy it. Some people just havet have somethin to complain about

i have my son every other weekend and 2 evenings a week for 4-5 hrs. no matter what you do with the kids, youre spending quality time

the fact that he WANTS to have them says it all

We all believe in spending quality time with our children, my friend however, has a problem with her ex, after they were seperated he lived in the house with her for three years, claiming he had no place else to go. I think she never forgave him for "poking" his nose in to whatever she was doing and giving advice.

Wow,This womon needs to chill.I would bet if he wasn't telling her what the plans were,She would realy be pi$$ed.

I doubt it, she cannot stand the sight of him nor his voice..... (her words).Without getting into it too deeply, she has a new partner who does not believe she is over her ex, his constant phone calls are causing arguments between her and her new partner, especially now that this new guy knows her ex took three years to move out when they were going through the divorce.

My ganache for my rum truffles is ready,I'm going to make a mess in the kitchen. See you all later. Toodle pip.

I would not accept this custody/visitation arrangement because it would deprive me of weekends with my children. Every other weekend would be more reasonable. She can gradually reclaim some kid time on the weekends by making a special plan for a Saturday to take them somewhere like the beach or something and then "clearing it" with him, getting him to let go a little bit. What is her specific complaint? She should talk to a counselor and figure out what it is exactly that she wants. She sounds vaguely resistant but not focused. Better to get the calls and be kept up to date than to have a secretive ex who communicates nothing. He will eventually tire of checking in. Especially if she stops answering her phone and he is forced to leave messages. That becomes silly. Is there a trust issue here? Does she drink alot or do drugs? Is he afraid to leave the kids with her for some reason? He may also be using them as a shield against developing his own independent social life, which is actually none of her business. If it is not hurting her kids and she doesn't have a specific problem with it, she should just carry on her life.

Depends on how long they've been divorced, but you just don't take your kids on dates with you. The introduction should come after you've seen them enough. Is Dad taking them on different dates? If so he's doing those boys an injustice. Those boys need to see him court one woman, not many women. Oh boy...

Now demanding he has theme every weekend, uh I don't think so, but the boys are older and that if that's what they want, then that's a different story. It's not easy, especially if they weren't a father before, but he is their dad.

I don't see a problem with him getting them half of the holidays, that's the norm, it's usually split anyway.

My ex was NEVER around, I was a single parent when I was married, now he's the "dollar" daddy, but I have to deal with it, it's when it becomes negative for kids is when it causes problems.

It just concerns me about the "dates". If there are several women, that's not good, he's showing them a bad routine. That's a private matter for him and those women.

The only thing I have a possible issue with is taking them on his dates, unless he's been with the same woman for a good while. Frankly, it's not going to be too long when his kids would rather spend their time with their friends than with mom and dad so they should take what they can get now.

As for your friend, she can always not answer her phone. I'd bet at one point, she complained that she didn't know what was going on with the kids and now he's making a point of keeping her informed.

Sounds to me like she has a control problem going on.

She should be thankful that he wants to be with his kids. My son's father never sees him. He pays his support and told me that he refers to his child as 'just another bill each month'. The last time he took his son was 4 1/2 yrs ago and the only reason he did was so that I could meet his new girlfriend.

Now I see where she is coming from somewhat.It is horrable when you can't stand the sight or voice of someone.I totaly agree with (sv) last post.