Please try not to judge me. This is a sticky situation and I am throwing myself out there (and it doesn't make me look good), but I want answers, not judgment.

I do have a question. Anyone in here have problems with relationships? I know I'm young and I'm not sure if it's because I'm young that I have these problems or if it's part of my Borderline Personality Disorder pushing through. I wish I lived back in my parents' days where they dated a lot of people in order to know who they wanted to be with. You may think that's strange but these days it's like if you're with somebody you HAVE TO BE WITH THEM. If you want to try and date other people the other person freaks out and calls you a cheater. See, I've had this boyfriend for 1.5 years and we haven't had the best relationship. He's separated from his wife and has a son. He slept with her 2 weeks into our relationship (I found this out a few months into our relationship). Well I've cheated on him with 5 guys in this 1.5 years we've been together (only going all the way/sleeping with one guy, but doing other sexual things with the others). 1 of the guys and I are still close (he has a gf who lives a few hours away whose parents' don't like him but that's another story) and we hang out quite frequently but haven't done anything sexual since we started hanging out again. Maybe I should add in that my boyfriend can be very abusive and has raped me in the past (he's also a freeloader). When he's a jerk is when I've usually turned to other guys, but other times it's just because he has his son or is busy. Is it wrong to want to see what else is out there? Am I bad person? I really do want to see what else is out there, but I know I'm not going about it in the right way. Someone HELP!!!???

Please try not to judge me. This is a sticky situation and I am throwing myself out there (and it doesn't make me look good), but I want answers, not judgment.

I do have a question. Anyone in here have problems with relationships? I know I'm young and I'm not sure if it's because I'm young that I have these problems or if it's part of my Borderline Personality Disorder pushing through. I wish I lived back in my parents' days where they dated a lot of people in order to know who they wanted to be with. You may think that's strange but these days it's like if you're with somebody you HAVE TO BE WITH THEM. If you want to try and date other people the other person freaks out and calls you a cheater. See, I've had this boyfriend for 1.5 years and we haven't had the best relationship. He's separated from his wife and has a son. He slept with her 2 weeks into our relationship (I found this out a few months into our relationship). Well I've cheated on him with 5 guys in this 1.5 years we've been together (only going all the way/sleeping with one guy, but doing other sexual things with the others). 1 of the guys and I are still close (he has a gf who lives a few hours away whose parents' don't like him but that's another story) and we hang out quite frequently but haven't done anything sexual since we started hanging out again. Maybe I should add in that my boyfriend can be very abusive and has raped me in the past (he's also a freeloader). When he's a jerk is when I've usually turned to other guys, but other times it's just because he has his son or is busy. Is it wrong to want to see what else is out there? Am I bad person? I really do want to see what else is out there, but I know I'm not going about it in the right way. Someone HELP!!!???

Update to this catastrophy:

I wish I could say I followed through, but I didn't. I ended up sleeping with the guy with the gf (took barely 5 min and I got no fun out of it) and then since I got no fun out of it I immediately went back to my bf/ex and said "Will you have sex with me?" and of course he did. So now he's back....

I wish I could seek help in therapy but I was in therapy for 3 years and the reason why my therapist and I broke up was because of my bf. She told me that I had to stop seeing him before I could come back. I told her that I couldn't, but hopefully some day. That was like a year ago. We've been together 1.5 years (my bf and I). She couldn't see me getting better if I didn't leave him and truly focus on myself. I agreed, but I just couldn't leave, and I still can't today. Plus there is the money issue of how much therapy costs. I do not work and my parents pay for everything (I'm in school right now).

I don't know why I even started this thread. I probably shouldn't have because I should have known I couldn't get out. It's been so long that I've been with him that it's nearly impossible now. I don't take a lot of crap from him anymore and I'm not going to let him freeload off me now, but I'm not...I don't know. The sex is great with him when it's great. When it's bad it's really bad. True it hasn't been bad in quite some time. Maybe I'm afraid that he's trying to do better in our relationship and maybe I'm afraid he is doing better and maybe I'm afraid of actually committing. I don't know. I'm only 22. I feel like a whore. I just wish I never would have lost my virginity in the first place.

There are no decent guys around here it seems. Every guy has an angle. I'll be sweet to you if you give me what I want or give me what I want or else. I have not met one decent guy around here. It's so sad and it scares me. I feel like a bad person, but I also feel like I can't help what I'm doing. I don't know what I want when it comes to sex or men anymore. I've sorta' just gone numb. When I'm horny it's like whoever's around I'll f*ck. That sounds awful doesn't it? Maybe I stay with my bf so that I don't wind up in a worse mess than I'm already in? I don't know. At least it's familiar. I know I have major issues but there is just no money or time or the right person to talk to about them. I keep doing this "Okay we're over....oh wait, I guess we're not" thing...it's the Borderline "I hate you, don't leave me"....I wish I understood my own thoughts and my own needs, but I don't.

check and see if your qualified for the state medical also you may be able to apply for ssi for your medical issue. for your of age and your parents shouldnt have to pay for your theripy

Plus there is the money issue of how much therapy costs. I do not work and my parents pay for everything (I'm in school right now).

I don't know why I even started this thread. I probably shouldn't have because I should have known I couldn't get out. It's been so long that I've been with him that it's nearly impossible now.

The sex is great with him when it's great. When it's bad it's really bad. True it hasn't been bad in quite some time.

Hi Sweetie! I see you've had a setback, how are you feeling? Do you feel horrible about it, or do you just feel like, "Meh, whatever"? I think it was brave of you to check back in and update us, even if some people may have a few things to say about it.

So you are back with your boyfriend, in your comfort zone. I'm not going to judge you, you recognize that it's not where you should be, you don't need a lecture. It sounds like you were not quite ready for such a drastic step just yet(leaving, I mean). You know it's what you need to do, so you aren't going to forget about it. But maybe for now, put it on the back burner until you get things all worked out in your mind. UNLESS YOU ARE IN DANGER, IN WHICH CASE, GET THE HELL OUT NOW!

In the meantime, I would suggest working on your self esteem. Get yourself to a place where you will finally feel confident enough in yourself to do what is best for you. You can google all kinds of ways to build self-confidence. Examples: exercise so that you feel better, make a list of all the things in your life to feel grateful for, look for opportunities to serve others, work on a weakness until it becomes a strength,learn a new skill, etc. There will come a time when you have finally had enough, and you just dont' care anymore about being scared. Good luck!

I was not even going to comment on this thread BUT I seriously feel like I have to. Here is a question that I really think YOU need to ask yourself...have you noticed that you are messing with men that are already taken? Your boyfriend is married and your ex has a girlfriend so many hours away, so they are both CHEATING to be with you!! Now, in the end there is going to be someone that comes around that is going to be better then you..so they are going to end up CHEATING on you. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND this??
OH MY GOD, I can not handle everyone being so nice about all of this when the real problem here is FIND YOUR OWN MAN!! Maybe that might be a start?? I don't understand how people want us to feel sorry for them when everything started out with cheating!! It is just beyond me!
Now IF this guy is being mean to you and has raped you...what the hell are you doing going back to him? You said he was a freeloader and he doesn't do anything for you but give you great sex BUT yet he raped you!! In all honesty...you need to go and talk to someone!! I think if you are still on your parents insurance, you should make an appt with your family doctor and talk to them about depression!
Good Luck

No one would blame you or judge you if you looked elsewhere. However, don't stoop to his level. Cheating and lying isn't okay, no matter the circumstances. I know some may adopt a "don't ask/don't tell" stance; but, in the end, its still asking for problems.

Edited to ask: is there a free support group in you r local area for survivors? You may want to look into it.