Hiya Lee

Hello Lisa

I forgave my first husband ,then he left me for my best friend.
now if you cheat your a history lesson.

You can forgive, but you can never forget about it. The forgetting part
is what potentially drives two people away from each other.

Something I've noticed with guys that are in relationships & cheat is
that Its their lack of being able to do what they use to do or thinking
that it makes them more of a STUD the more women they have. So their
lookin for their own happiness in others. their lack of satifaction must
be the other person, it couldnt be them...

very true La E

Poet said it, I think,


Self-esteem....the personal script, we write for ourselves.

People cheat, themselves and others.

As to forgetting, do we ever forget anything, other than some grocery
items, do we not remember the first time we scaped our knees?

Do we see every crack in the pavement, every tree root now with
suspicion?

Or do we remember in a subliminal way, to pick up our feet?

Same goes for any breach of trust, we remember, we learn, and we change
our behaviours to best protect ourselves.

It is not in the trying to forget, it is in the remembering....

Or we just acknowlege cheaters are scum and move on with our lives in a
single clean slice. Without bitterness or cruelty, but without pity or
hesitation.

Scum?

Doesn't that have attachment of anger? Of pain and hurt?

Sounds to be a rather fierce word...

I always waste brain space on them..

Sorry Jess, this isn't the same as Bill Clinton standing up and
questioning what the meaning of the word "is", is. Right is right and
wrong is wrong. Someone would be hard pressed to find a culture that
considers infidelity okay. Personally, It is possible that those who
think people should live and let live when it comes to infidelity, or
any other socially unacceptable practice, be it child porn, incest, or
whatever, might be attempting to steer the limelight away from
themselves. My ex, who had an issue with alcohol, decided on her third
trip through rehab. to have an affair with another boozer loser. What
she did was WRONG. Can't parse it any other way and feel good about it.
I have forgiven her. It took four years but I did it. I told her but she
didn't care. She has had an affair with the best friend of the guy she
had an affair on me with. No, the world isn't perfect, but the solution
obviously isn't to bury our heads in the sand.If a friend is having an
affair, what should you say or do? Wow! I thought after all these years
I was over it. Apparently not.

Don't see how "scum" is a word including anger or malice. I feel no
malice to dirt and mud. It is, and it's inferior. Anyone without honor
and/or self control is, similarly, a lesser being.

They certainly have the right to exist- or, perhaps- no one has the
right to stop them from existing. But they can go exist somewhere else.
I don't allow vermin in my house, cheaters are no exception.

hello Zap,

I am not speaking for cultures, for others, only my own arrival at a
place within myself, as to personal experiences with infidelity.

I have the experience often, and have in the past as well, with friends
who are 'cheating', having an affair within their relationship...

and I ask the same question of everyone of them, male or female...

"What is it you are seeking outside yourself, to fill the void, be it
attention, self-esteem boosting, sexual gratification,
whatever...Because we cannot have another 'fill' us, to meet our needs,
we need to find them within ourselves, to heal, to grow, all of it."

When we go outside of ourselves to have another do it for us, it is
never going to be sustaining. We all have our personal scripts, our
movies, if you like, of an ideal partner, an ideal relationship,
situation, whatever, but it has to come from within ourselves, it cannot
be met by another.

Problem is cheaters dont change they just get better at hiding it

"Same goes for any breach of trust, we remember, we learn, and we change
our behaviours to best protect ourselves.

It is not in the trying to forget, it is in the remembering...."

I agree Lee. Everything that happens to me good or bad, actually helps
me grow. My own self preservation keeps me from truly forgetting,
because I have already learned from the experience.

If you're not happy in your relationship- you either fix it, put up
with it, or leave it. Those are the only morally acceptable solutions.

Was it something I said?

I appreciate your view Jess. You are obviously stronger than me, but
what I'm getting from your statement is that either I accept that a
partner might cheat on me and be okay with that possibility, or I just
stay single thereby eliminating the possibility.Hopefully I have read
into your statement what was not intended because I really hope that
there is someone out there that also realizes that although a
relationship requires a great deal of work, there are boundaries that
are to be respected if you truly feel that you are in it for life.

It's all good zap..


personal shares are the best for posting.
jmo

I agree Zap, and by the number of women posting in this thread, there
are many women who have the same boundaries, and beliefs as you.

SO I suspect, there are women out there for you.