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| Topic: Dans Comedy Club | |
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Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"   Prince Philip goes hunting Pheasants. While stalking through the woods he sees a woman lying on her back totally naked. "Are you game?" he asks, "I sure am, honey." she replies, and he shoots her. I think it would be funnier if it started " Prince Philip goes hunting Peasants" |
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I think it would be funnier if it started " Prince Philip goes hunting Peasants"
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This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
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A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.” |
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Gina returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband
that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love to her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later Gina went to him again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Pat agreed and again they made love. Later Gina was getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. she touched Pat's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' he agreed, then afterward he rolled over and fell asleep. Gina, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up. Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?' Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, 'Listen Gina', I'm not being funny ....... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.' |
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Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!" Prince Philip goes hunting Pheasants. While stalking through the woods he sees a woman lying on her back totally naked. "Are you game?" he asks, "I sure am, honey." she replies, and he shoots her. I think it would be funnier if it started " Prince Philip goes hunting Peasants" The comedy masterclass is in another thread! Not that YOU should be teaching! |
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This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
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German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ' I vish to buy sex vit you'
'OK' says the girl, 'I'll charge 100 Euros an hour' 'Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky' 'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez.' The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. 'Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez.' She duly does this, balancing on the springs. 'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you.' She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic! The energetic German bounces her all over the room, all the time with her honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?' Wait for it....................................... .................. ................... 'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique' |
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Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!" Prince Philip goes hunting Pheasants. While stalking through the woods he sees a woman lying on her back totally naked. "Are you game?" he asks, "I sure am, honey." she replies, and he shoots her. I think it would be funnier if it started " Prince Philip goes hunting Peasants" The comedy masterclass is in another thread! Not that YOU should be teaching! Awww, how sweet, Dan feels threatened! lol |
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haha! Yeah i do Andy! Thats why you are here, you are the doorman!
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A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!" |
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haha! Yeah i do Andy! Thats why you are here, you are the doorman! You'll have to remain outside Dan, we have a policy on not letting mingers in! lol |
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A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?" The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!" Are you sure this shouldnt have been an Irish joke?! lol |
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There are six guys in a psychiatric hospital, a sadistic, a masochist, a psychokiller, a necrophiliac, a zoophile
and a pyromaniac. They were all sitting on a bench looking around without knowing what to do to… All of the sudden the Zoophiliac says "Hey… what if we look for a cat and fck it?" Then the sadistic says: "Yeah! We fck it and then we torture it!" And the psychokiller then adds: "Let's go and fck a cat, torture it and after that we kill it!" and the necrophiliac says: "Great! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it and then fck it again!" and the pyromaniac says: "Sound! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it, fck it again and then burn it!" Then there is a big silence, they all turn around to look at the masochistic and ask him: "And you? You dont have to say anything?" And the masochistic says: "...Meow?" |
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haha! Yeah i do Andy! Thats why you are here, you are the doorman! You'll have to remain outside Dan, we have a policy on not letting mingers in! lol You better stand out here with me! |
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There are six guys in a psychiatric hospital, a sadistic, a masochist, a psychokiller, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a pyromaniac. They were all sitting on a bench looking around without knowing what to do to… All of the sudden the Zoophiliac says "Hey… what if we look for a cat and fck it?" Then the sadistic says: "Yeah! We fck it and then we torture it!" And the psychokiller then adds: "Let's go and fck a cat, torture it and after that we kill it!" and the necrophiliac says: "Great! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it and then fck it again!" and the pyromaniac says: "Sound! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it, fck it again and then burn it!" Then there is a big silence, they all turn around to look at the masochistic and ask him: "And you? You dont have to say anything?" And the masochistic says: "...Meow?" HAHA! I like this one! Its nice for there to be one thread with a load of joke in rather than a load of threads with one joke in! |
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There are six guys in a psychiatric hospital, a sadistic, a masochist, a psychokiller, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a pyromaniac. They were all sitting on a bench looking around without knowing what to do to… All of the sudden the Zoophiliac says "Hey… what if we look for a cat and fck it?" Then the sadistic says: "Yeah! We fck it and then we torture it!" And the psychokiller then adds: "Let's go and fck a cat, torture it and after that we kill it!" and the necrophiliac says: "Great! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it and then fck it again!" and the pyromaniac says: "Sound! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it, fck it again and then burn it!" Then there is a big silence, they all turn around to look at the masochistic and ask him: "And you? You dont have to say anything?" And the masochistic says: "...Meow?" HAHA! I like this one! Its nice for there to be one thread with a load of joke in rather than a load of threads with one joke in! I knew you would, you sick cvnt! lol |
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There are six guys in a psychiatric hospital, a sadistic, a masochist, a psychokiller, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a pyromaniac. They were all sitting on a bench looking around without knowing what to do to… All of the sudden the Zoophiliac says "Hey… what if we look for a cat and fck it?" Then the sadistic says: "Yeah! We fck it and then we torture it!" And the psychokiller then adds: "Let's go and fck a cat, torture it and after that we kill it!" and the necrophiliac says: "Great! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it and then fck it again!" and the pyromaniac says: "Sound! Let's fck a cat, torture it, kill it, fck it again and then burn it!" Then there is a big silence, they all turn around to look at the masochistic and ask him: "And you? You dont have to say anything?" And the masochistic says: "...Meow?" HAHA! I like this one! Its nice for there to be one thread with a load of joke in rather than a load of threads with one joke in! I knew you would, you sick cvnt! lol Im actually surprised you never changed it to....and Dan99 said..! |
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I thought about it but everyone knows you're too much a pvssy for that! lol
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Im a tough bastard! I never even cried when i watched Bambi!
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