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| Topic: Dans Comedy Club | |
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found out where ur hidin today!!!
nice place needs livening up though  
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<<<just here for the show, taking my seat in the back row
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film shorts. The Shrink says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts". I got a driving wheel stuck on my nob Its driving me nuts! |
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Hi Dan, nice place you have here, have you told the other Brits on the UK thread about this hang-out?   No i dont want them wankers here! lol! gee thanks 
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found out where ur hidin today!!! nice place needs livening up though Ya .. it's usually under a rock, but we felt sorry for him, bein' the weekend's comin up soon and all 
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Hi Dan, nice place you have here, have you told the other Brits on the UK thread about this hang-out? SHHHHHH .. no reason to make him feel self-conscious ........ we know he doesn't have any friends to tell darlin .... How's that workin for ya Danooooooooooooo  I have friends i just choose to make them dislike me! |
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Edited by
Dan99
on
Thu 11/06/08 01:01 PM
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Hi Dan, nice place you have here, have you told the other Brits on the UK thread about this hang-out? No i dont want them wankers here! lol! gee thanks Everyone to the left is a wanker, everybody to the right is a bastard. An Irishman stands up - 'IM NOT A WANKER!' 'Well get over there with the bastards' |
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A FSH |
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Fish swam into a wall and went 'DAM!'
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<<<just here for the show, taking my seat in the back row Are you ok up there? DO you like it up the back? |
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A tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. ****ie fall off by itself! You save money." |
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Everyone to the left is a wanker, everybody to the right is a bastard. To the left To the left To the left To the left Mmmm to the left, to the left Everything you own in the box to the left In the closet, that's my stuff Yes, if I bought it, baby, please don't touch (don't touch) And keep talking that mess, thats fine Could you walk and talk, at the same time? And it's my name thats on that jag So go move your bags, let me call you a cab Standing in the front yard, telling me How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout How I'll never ever find a man like you You got me twisted You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable So go ahead and get gone Call up that chick, and see if shes home Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know What did you think I was putting you out for? Because you was untrue Rolling her around in the car that I bought you Baby, drop them keys Hurry up, before your taxi leaves Standing in the front yard, telling me How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout How I'll never ever find a man like you You got me twisted You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable (irreplaceable) So since I'm not your everything (irreplaceable) How about I'll be nothing (nothing)? Nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing) Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you) I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep) 'Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is) Replacing you is so easy To the left, to the left. To the left, to the left. Mmmmm To the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left To the left, to the left. Don't you ever for a second get to thinking You're irreplaceable You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You must not know 'bout me (baby) You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute You can pack all your bags we're finished (you must not know 'bout me) 'Cause you made your bed now lay in it (you must not know 'bout me) I could have another you by tomorrow Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable  Sorry .. thought you said "to the left" ....
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<<<just here for the show, taking my seat in the back row Are you ok up there? DO you like it up the back? The air is thinner and I'm sure someone will watch my back! |
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So i was in a bar and a guy asked me for a game of darts, i said 'ok, nearest bull starts?', he said 'Baaaa!', i said 'mooo', he said 'you win'..
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sits down and shuts up
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A tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. ****ie fall off by itself! You save money." Now thats funny 
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A man visits his new urologist. The Dr. happens to be a beautiful young woman. Then man is escorted to the exam room and instructed to disrobe for the exam.
When the beautiful Dr. enters she introduces herself and says to the man... "Well one thing you need to do is stop masturbating." The mans asks "Why?" The Dr. says "Because I am trying to conduct an exam" |
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Everyone to the left is a wanker, everybody to the right is a bastard. To the left To the left To the left To the left Mmmm to the left, to the left Everything you own in the box to the left In the closet, that's my stuff Yes, if I bought it, baby, please don't touch (don't touch) And keep talking that mess, thats fine Could you walk and talk, at the same time? And it's my name thats on that jag So go move your bags, let me call you a cab Standing in the front yard, telling me How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout How I'll never ever find a man like you You got me twisted You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable So go ahead and get gone Call up that chick, and see if shes home Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know What did you think I was putting you out for? Because you was untrue Rolling her around in the car that I bought you Baby, drop them keys Hurry up, before your taxi leaves Standing in the front yard, telling me How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout How I'll never ever find a man like you You got me twisted You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable (irreplaceable) So since I'm not your everything (irreplaceable) How about I'll be nothing (nothing)? Nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing) Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you) I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep) 'Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is) Replacing you is so easy To the left, to the left. To the left, to the left. Mmmmm To the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left To the left, to the left. Don't you ever for a second get to thinking You're irreplaceable You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You must not know 'bout me (baby) You must not know 'bout me I could have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute You can pack all your bags we're finished (you must not know 'bout me) 'Cause you made your bed now lay in it (you must not know 'bout me) I could have another you by tomorrow Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable Sorry .. thought you said "to the left" .... I SAID 'will all cougars queue to the left!' My doctor said i should exercise with dumbells...Wanna go for a walk? |
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sits down and shuts up You shouldnt have sat at the front there. One of the comics might pick on you... |
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