By the way everyone, today is Ambers birthday!

Thank you Marie. Yes I feel better now that he knows the truth, but I doubt he will keep his mouth shut about this. The guy does work for him and they know each other on a friends basis too.

My landlord didnt know a lot of the things I told him, so I know it was a suprise to find out all this stuff. I just hope he doesnt involve me and has the investigators on the scam that he is going through check out this guy. I told him I think he might be the scammer, playing like he is the victim to throw ppl off.

Roy Im sorry. Ive been pretty self absorbed lately. Stressed to my breaking point again. I hope things mellow out for you.

I hear ya sista.....

Nope, he said yes he did but that it was consentual. My word against his. Now it is up to the DA if they even press charges adn i was warned by the detective that there were an overload of murders and assaukts that would probably come 1st. So likely he will walk away.

My landlord called irrate this morning. I told him i didnt know they would call him and that he wouldsnt be involved but he didnt believe me and still didnt know what this was about. He asked if he had this guy pay me back the money, would i drop the charges. I said it wasnt about the money and if i wanted it back i could get it cuz i have a cancelled check. He wouldnt stop so i just bluted out what he did and that stopped him in his trackes. I told him all the lies that were said about him and how he was being used and scammed.

He wanted to confront the guy right then but i begged him nt to. They guy didnt know what he was being charged with yet and this would tip him off. I was scared of him and his temper and the landlord knows his tem[er, so he agreed not to talk to him about it. At least for now. I was crying by then and he assured me that he wasnt going to evict me.

There is so much more to this but this is about as much as i can handle right now. Sighhhhhh

another rapist walks away.....this world sucks

I used to have a problem with trying to save everyone. Be the "protector" and always ended up pulling backa blody stump. I learned to let people deal with thier own problems. She wants to poke the tiger with a stick, just keep doing what you're doing and steer clear.

They are interviewing him today. I'm scared but nothing really I can do now. He's already messing with the landlords head and still hasnt paid me back the money he owes me. I gave up on that a long time ago. Karma is a bicth though. Sighhhh, I seem to be a drama magnet. I wish I could just have the normal life Ive dreamed of since I was a child, but I never had one to begin with hahaha. If Im lucky he will lie and then they have something to work with. If not then I will have to rely on the emails and other evidence.

I really want this fukcer to serve time for this. One way or another, he is going to pay for what he did.

Damn, I just wish I had never been married, Twice!

Awwwwwwwwww, (((marie))), I am so sorry these guys are such jerks but you have to stop beating yourself up. I have no idea what goes through a guys brain anymore and I have sworn off them for God knows how long.

I refuse to deal with them in that way anymore. I always either get taken advantage of or kicked to the curb when they are through playing.

Like they just up and say Im tired of you. Im taking my ball and go home.

Asses.

I have taken to wearing a small gold wedding band on my ring finger to ward off any unwanted behavior from the opposite sex. I have changed my profile and am just trying to get back into life again.

Very hard to do after what happened and what might still happen. Being manic has its perks and at first when i got like this this time, I thought kewl!

Now Im not so happy. Just hyper, cant sleep, spending money wrong, nightmares when i do sleep, anger issues and rude rude rude. This is not me. So I asked the Dr for something. Anything to help with this crap.

I hate thinking about being a zombie again, but i cant go around hurting others like ive been. She is going to start me on something called a alpha 2 something or other. Used for people with anger issues and high bloodpressure.

I am on beta blockers right now but i seem to have grown tolerant. More crap about school and book grants. Meds not going through my insurance and more crap on top of that.

I sure know how to fukc up my life when Im manic. And Im pretty responsible when im depressed but seems i always give up one for the other.

Be up and awake to my world and fukc up my life, or be depressed and suicidal and have a stable household for the most part. It doesnt make any sense to me..........nothing seems to anymore.

HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE!!!!!! RIGHT ON AMBER

ty ty.......

Wow! I'm gone a week and we have new people ! WELCOME! Very kewl.

Angie, sweetie, tell that dikchead to fukc off and hang up on him. What's he going to do? He ain't got no power over you, so stand up to him and hang up on his ass. It will make you feel better!

Hey spinal, i also have social anxiety and had to take the train to get to my parents house in Oregon. 12 hrs each way with problems on the tracks that lasted way too long. Thank God for iPods, hee hee......great for iggying ppl. Glad to hear you are hanging in there.

Marie......so glad to hear you got some extra work. And want you all to know that my parents finally got buyers for the property and will not have to deal with forcloser. They will get what they want and have enough to buy a new place in town.

Roy, wow again. Drone on bro.....you seem to be really great at what you do and hang in there with the best of them in your life struggles. Kudos!

Thanks for the support buttons! I think asses need some kickin too.

As for me, I had a reasonable time with my parents for my b-day. It was ok, but not what I expected. Did have a great time crabbing tho. Ate fresh dungoness crab for b-day dinner. Yum! The train ride sucked and I hope I never have to do that again. Normal problems with meds and Dr's and am losing my hearing due to something to do with my sinuses....have to see yet another Dr. UGH.......sighhhhhh

Things have to get better right? hahaha

Hugs to you all, sorry if I missed anyone.....just glad to be back home in my cave.

Well, Roy, sounds like someone has a wittle crush on you, heehee. That is sweet and I would take it as a compliment.

Got to the train station and found out that I was 10 hours early, hahaha. The time was 8:15 pm, not am, hahaha. Bummer my mom had to drive from the mountains to take me but at least I found out there was a problem with my ticket and was able to take care of it now rather than 45 min b4 I had to leave.

So now I sit here fat and bored, waiting till it is time to go again. Yeah 12 hours one way to Eugene Oregon. One tranfer to another train in Sacramento. I got an iPod for my b-day though, so at least I will have tunes and I won't have to talk to anyone cuz they will see that I have the earphones on and I can pretend I can't hear them hahahaha.

My puppie loves my bra's.....have no idea why....I think he was reincarnated from a boob man, hahaha. He doesnt chew them up, just drags them around and sleeps with them. I just can't find them when I need them. Silly dog!

Met someone wonderful but the reality of it is that it would never work out, but we stay friends and I don't think he even knows how I feel. But I enjoy the time we get to spend together online and on the phone, even if it is infrequent at the current time. I think that I have made the best friends of my life online and I love all my computer cuz all my friends live in it.

Dear Diary,


I hear crickets, chirping...

Hiya long time no diary....(((everyone)))

Vacation with parents in Oregon countdown....leaving on the 13th.
12 hrs of train ride one way. Then a week and birthday there with my parents! Yay. I'm really looking forward to seeing them after so long and being away from here on my b-day.
Assholes b-day is the same as mine so Im just glad to be gone.
My daughter was supposed to take care of my animals, but her car got impounded, so I don't know who is going to take care of them....I am trying to find a way around it.
I think they can go about 3 days alone then need someone to come freshen thier water and they have tons of food. They are on a free feed sched, so they are good with the food thing.
This is day 11 of no smoking. Yay.
I had 2 mo under my belt, then fell off the wagon for about 2 wks, then jumped back on and it has been 11 days. Feels great.
Tired from taxing my daughter around from two jobs and college. Wish she lived closer, but I don't mind. She has taken care of me so many times. Running errands, taking care of my animals when Im not around and such. Just tired, haha.
When you are 22 I guess you can work till 11 then get up at 4 to get to wrk by 5am then go to school then get ready and go to work for the night, hahaha. Damn, I remember the days. I have great respect for her. In March she will graduate and have a bachlors in Theatre and Arts. Yeah, Pround Mama here.
So living day to day with the damn nightmares and wierd dreams, manicky crap and trying not to be around people until this passes. Parents are different. Haha, they are constantly telling me Hey! We are on your side remember?

GOD, I so need to spill my guts, but everytime I think of doing it here I freeze. Then more crap happens and there is even more to spill but again I freeze. Marie knows most of it, but damn, I wish I could share. Being alone in this situation and possibly having to move again into a real bad neighborhood from this nice one is scary. But I guess it is better than living in fear all the time and feeling like I am going to be evicted at any time just for the lust of one man. It is sick.

Thanks Marie, Jax......I'm at a loss and impass in my life right now. I feel completely lost. While manic?!? That's just not like me. Not at all.

Sorry about your ex. I think he needs a swift kick in the ass for not at least being polite.

Yeah, the wieght thing sucks. I've given up on it for the time being. Good luck to you on it though. Especially if it helps you get your mind off the other things.

Jobs, jobs, jobs......damn marie. I just dont know how you do it. I really dont, but whatever good comes your way, you deserve it.

I think we all do.

I think we should all do just one little thing this weekend that we like. Nothing fancy, just one lil thing we enjoy and just fukcing enjoy it.

Hey ((Jax)) I know what you mean. I've been giving overdraft fee donations to my bank too. Been real manic. Sorry you have been feeling so low and I so feel for ya in the panic/anxiety area. I've been being a very bad girl and self medicating. I have to be careful. But I think I have it under control.

What have you been doing to help yourself. I could use some tips. Im on a waiting list to get therapy for what happened. I hope you can feel better and you know, I have been sounding a lot like someone who's name begins with a "D".......that's really sad. I feel like Ive lost touch with my ability to empathize....ugh.

Work. I just wish my mom could find some full time too. They are going to lose thier dream farma nd retirement home ( brandnew ) cuz they sent all the work where she worked over seas to India. Can you believe that? People 1/2 the world away are creating and planning our city...amazing and sick.

I only wish I could work. But, my Dr. says it is out of the question. Everytime I try, I end up in trouble financially and emotionally. That is amazing and sick too.

I wish you all the luck and prayers in eternity all of you. For those who hae the work, may it be better and worthwhile, and for those who don't, dear God I pray you find it.

Karen