lol ya never know


yea scoundrel i was born and raised in colorado ive been everywhere. i can relate to this list 100%

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Yes i ment fat tire my bad lol

"well you might as well sleep with me because tomarrow im going to tell everyone that we did anyway!!"

... You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

... You thought "Californication" would be banned by Amendment 2.

... You think "South Park" is a place to stop for gas on your way to Buena Vista.

... You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail.

... You have a flat tire in your refrigerator and your garage.

... You tell your husband to pick up granola on his way home from work and he stops at the day care.

... You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.

... You cast out your fishing line while white-water rafting.

... You've never seen the tourist attractions in your own city.

... All summer you thought a redneck named "Bubby" was gonna be your quarterback.

...You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman.

... You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.

... Your SUV tire size exceeds your IQ.

... Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.

... The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

... You personally wouldn't pay $10 per head to drive up Pikes Peak unless it was the only mountain on earth, but you tell all our house-guests to do it.

... You can recite the entire Bible from memory, but can't remember to use your turn signal (CO Springs).

... You get depressed after one day of foggy weather.

... You wear the latest fashions a year after they went out of style.

... You think that formal wear is ironed denim.

... North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right;" and east and west are where all those damned liberals keep moving in from.

... You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

... You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.

... You see your East Coast relatives now more than when you lived there.

... You think gun control is not dropping it.

... Your bridal registry is at REI.

... You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.

... You've ever stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.

When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

Swat at flies that don’t exist.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”

Fart loudly then exclaim “Was that you. There’s no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don’t come out loud.”

Before the elevator door opens shout “DING” and then laugh and say “beat you again Mr Elevator.”

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger’s direction.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “that’s mine!”

Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Bada Bing!)

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.

At a hearing aid center: “Let us give you some sound advice.”

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn’t finish the last movement.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.

I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

an american canadian and a jew where standing at the pearly gates and st. peter says, "you three men arent suppose to die yet your too young. so for a fee of 150 dollars you can go back. well the american pulls out his wallet and give him 150 dollars. next thing he know he is waking up at the hospital. the nurses where baffled. they asked the american what they saw and he told them the story. they asked about the jew and the canadian and the american replied, "well the last thing i remember was the jew was haggleing over the price and the canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

So there is this big mexican sitting at the bar. He is getting really f*cked up. He looks over his shoulder and see's this skinny guy dancing with a bunch of other dudes. The skinny guy keeps looking at him throwing a wink at him every now and then. The drunk mexican just turns back to the bar and shakes his head. about that time the skinny guy comes and sits next to him. orders a cocktail looks over at the mexican and giggles. the mexican says, "whats so funny" the skinny guy leans in and wispers into his ear. about that times the mexican just starts kicking the **** out of him and throws him out of the bar. he sits back down and finishes his beer. the bartender goes, "geeze what did that guy say to you?" the mexican replies, " oh something about a job."