A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Bada Bing!)

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.

At a hearing aid center: “Let us give you some sound advice.”

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn’t finish the last movement.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.

I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

Those are cute!!

Me like funny stuff and I'm not joking around He He He !!!