lol yea i fig you did thanks i try

[innocent child] "Daddy, what's the difference between potentially and actually?"

[jaded father] "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars"

"Mom, would you sleep with another man for one million dollars?"

[jaded mother] *snort* "Of course I would, and for much less"

"Daddy, mom said she would"

"Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars"

"Dear sis, would you sleep with a stranger for a million dollars?"

[jaded sister] *snort* "Of course I would, and for much less"

"Daddy, dear sis said she would"

"See, son, we potentially have got two million dollars, but we actually have got just a pair of wh****"

no they where train tracks lol

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in this type of weather?"

Ok. 2 people are walking in a forest.

They look down, and they see some tracks.

Person #1: It's wolf tracks!
Person #2: It's deer tracks!
Person #1: No, it's wolf tracks.
Person #2: Are you blind? It's obviously deer tracks...

Half an hour later, they are hit by a train...

for those of you that forgot about this joke your freindly neiborhood pain in the ass has brought it back to the front of the line. enjoy and your welcome t-bone

it never ends lol
haha

man i thought this was a damn good one so im just going to move it back to the front.

every time i talk to grandpa he gives me most of these

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.



‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”



I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.



“And what do you deduce from that?”



Watson ponders for a minute.



“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.



“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”



Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”



The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”



There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

if only all dads where that understanding lol

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 ****, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

holy ****ing ****

hahaha

Ask him what he is doing out so late.

Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to “spice up” your takeout.

Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.

Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.

Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.

When he ask you for your licence say, “Oh sure officer, could you just hold my beer.”

Explain speeding with, “See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal.”

When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.

When he ask you to walk the straight line, “Riverdance” instead.

When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.

Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.

Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.

Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that “with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents.”

Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head.

Pay all your ticket fines with pennies.

Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.

When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say “I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop.”

Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute.

Ask him to prove it.

Say to him, “Don’t cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout’s honor.”

When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin’
Donuts and you know he’ll understand.

When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.

Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.

Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.

Throw the cop’s nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.

Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.

When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.

When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter, “If I don’t see you I can’t get a ticket.”

When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.

Say to him “Darn, you must of been goin’ realluy fast to keep up with me!”

Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin’s law to take effect…

When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.

Keep his pen.

If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the
Police Dept.

Instead of pleading the fifth admendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.

Say “Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don’t hurt yet.”