An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but your're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a re-check.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

I have to go shove snow.

When will it end.

Know how ya feel.
I'd kill for a good nites sleep...

LMAO

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?" WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

LMAO

Cover him up!!

I'm glad you guys like it. I hope it does bless and bring some sort of comfort to you.

You're welcome. I got it from my sister. And i just had to share it.

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'


The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two a..holes.'

'What? He had two a..holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two a..holes.'

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It
is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about
what is going on in your life.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My
purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that
is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan
salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues
of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead
invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a
college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hati ng anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I
am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings.
You'll be smiling before you know it.

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot
> of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a
> much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.
> The following day he received following report:
>
> Most honorable sir:
>
> You leave house. I watch house. he come to house. I watch. He and she leave
> house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He
> kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she.
> She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off
> tree. I not see.
>
> No fee,
>
> Chen Lee

Nice