if this has been posted here before, but I just found it and found it facisnating:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpEnFwiqdx8
John

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna,
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping
in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, .........

/////////

...........
#




'He didn't hang himself.
I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

:) J

The Gunfighter

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter
recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the
reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink
and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give
me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease in the can over there? Smear your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, ....and it won't hurt as
much.'
:)
J

Mine is UL approved :)
John

How about let's roast Chetsnuts :)
Poor Chet :)
J

20 Things you can only say at Christmas


1. I prefer breasts to legs.

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

:) J

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

Welcome to the bad joke club!!!! :)
John

This is a so called actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.


CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting rat-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report


:)
John

I don't know how many of you can get Fox tv there, but this new series Fringe is awesome, totaly freaky!
Cheak it out if you can!
John

I CAN READ IT! CAN YOU ????

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

I read it like it was correct LOL been on the net too long! LOL
John

Its norsemen not norse, there is a serious disdection.

Governmentium

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

Forces, called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons, hold these 312 particles together. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, which would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons, exchange places. In fact Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, (Ld) an element that radiates as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
:)
John

as many of you have heard they are experimenting with recreating the Big Bang in Cern Switzerland.
Here is a link to their web cam, it it goes out grab the nearest one to you start making love and kiss your arse good bye!
http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html

John

He loves more than cars!

How many of you out there get these scams in you email?
If they were true I would be worth about 42 million now :)
John

TWO BLONDES
Two blondes living in Falkirk were sitting on a bench talking....... And
One blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is further
Away...London or the moon
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see London...?????'


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes,
It is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
He could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would
Get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
Today you expect me to show it to you!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
Another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
Get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down
The river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
Body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show
Me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
And screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she
Said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
Said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
Night!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question
Was,

'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

_________________
John

There once was an oyster who would not donate to charity.

Know why??

















Wait for it ........................














He was shellfish.
John

Brothar I feel your Pain! I spent five years chashing a Bi Polar love of my life! Found out this, simpily point out that they are screwing up in a lucid moment and you won the game Brothar!
She will lose it, because of the deep denial that they are in, they are in such a deep state of denial, that they tend to drag you along with them, everybody is out for me or the last BF beat her, they will sucker you just because they can tell they you are in love with them, I found mine had had 6 abortions, that was driving her guilt in her lucid moments, then she found out I was shooting blanks, then I was her sex toy, any way you divide it up you were used maniuplated and mistreated by by a not right mind, I guarentee there was never a true commitment from her to you there, took me 5 years off my career to find that one out, not to mention all the money I lost!
Brothar take that child and get as far away from her as you can! They won't fight you when it comes to a true confrontation, I know!
Sorry to be so honest here man but I truly have been there!
John

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,

who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country,

I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen,

so I outrank you . . . Tray-up, *****'

John