Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and asked, "So why are you here?"
The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the
cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed".
The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down.

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the
hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great
big hole in my owners couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said..

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and
fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got
out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes... I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

"No" The Yellow Lab said, "I'm here to get my nails clipped".

;) J

Sometimes, life throws us a helping hand when we least expect it.

A few weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" It was then that I realized that absolutely no one could hear that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and made a run to my car.
:) J

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!
;)
J

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"

She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"



The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

" I 'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."

;) J

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy', the little girl asks,'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

;) J

My 2 lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday......
Well they gave me a Rolex, very nice gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"
;)
J

Before you criticize someone, make sure you walk a mile in their shoes...that way, when you finally DO criticize them, you'll be a mile away...and you'll also have their shoes!
;) J

Just bought a ticket to Rapid City! LOL LOL
J

3 people are found dead in a cabin on a moutain top, how did they die?




















































Plane chash!

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:



Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
on My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure
the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he
is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remeber these people vote! LOL LOL
John

For the Coup de gras:
Bald Knob Arkansas! :)
J

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

:) J

J

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,


and all the patients were shouting, 13... 13... 13.


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.


Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick. . . . . . . .




Then they all started shouting, 14... 14... 14.

:) John

The first affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded..
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying &@+=@@@!
You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home "I have something to show you, you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a friggin thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

J

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up.


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.


The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke
and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'


'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'


He lost 63 pounds that week.

:)
John

These guys are losing it!

http://s45.photobucket.com/albums/f59/m ... t=Oops.flv

John