Lesson Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all
day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Learning:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
**************************************************
Lesson Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached
the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Learning:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
**********************************************
Lesson Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird
lay
there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The
dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and
soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Learning:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****,keep your mouth shut.

"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nailin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nailin Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'

"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama"

During the tea break , John and William were chatting:

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers', if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of 'Confessions', if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: 'And you, do you know who is George Hunt?'

John: No

William: He's the guy enjoying your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this...

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

You should be sure the person isdefinetly Blonde when she:
• puts lipstick on the forehead because she wants to make up her mind.
• gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
• sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
• tries to drown a fish in water.
• thinks socialism means partying.
• trips over a cordless phone.
• takes a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" she puts
"Sagittarius.".
• studies for a blood test and fails.
• sells the car for gas money.
• misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
• drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", she turns around and
goes home.
• gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the tea cup isn't it?

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the stopper. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you
get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe
that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says....
"HEBREWS"...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving president Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

joke..
a stupid guy: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
a stupid guy: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

n other
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

n an other
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ...........Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...

ate the cookies..... ......... .

drank the milk........ ......

sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....

screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......

put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ......!!! !!!!!!!

**Yesterday is history.
***Tomorrow is mystery
****Today is a gift.
*****Anger is only one letter short of danger.
******If someone betrays you once,
*******it is his fault;
********if he betrays you twice,
*********it is your fault.
**********Great minds discuss ideas
***********Average minds discuss events
************Small minds discuss people.
*************He,who loses money
**************loses much
***************He,who loses a friend,
****************He,who loses faith,
*****************loses all.
******************To handle yourself,
*******************use your head
********************to handle others
*********************use your heart.
********************** Take Care Sweet Friend

Ques. 1 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A TOMATO....... AND THE TRING TRING TRING WAS TO CONFUSE YOU......





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Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you......





Anyways... Here s one more....





Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A CAKE .... and both were to confuse you....






Anyways... Here's one more....

Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A Fire Brigade
WHY R U CONFUSED???

OMG that was a good collection

No Offense just realised that my reaction was not in the best spirit,by the way this one is for you

Q: Why did the Jews walk around the desert for forty years?
A: They heard that someone dropped a quarter

i am sorry about my reaction i realise now that i felt more offended rather than laughing of at that joke