A blonde cowboy was walking thru town wearing nothing but his hat. A cop pulls up besides him and asks "son why are you walking out here naked?" The cowboy replies "well sir I was at the bar last night and I hooked up with this beautiful redhead, she asked if I wanted to go for a ride in her pick up truck, I said" yes mam I would." So we left and took a drive out into the country. Once we got out there she stopped the truck, got in the back of the truck and took all her clothes off. I said "damn your beautiful!" She looked at me and said " son why don't you take off your clothes as well and go to town."
Hence here I am!

this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook off in texas.
pay attention to the first 2 judges as the 3rd is evan better.
judge #3(frank) was an inexperienced chili taster from springfield ill.
Frank" recently, i was honered to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. the original person called in sick at the last moment and i happenned to be standing there at the judges table, asking for directions to the coors light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native texans) that the chilli wouldnt be all that spicy; and , besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became judge 3"

here are the judges comments
CHILI #1 MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
judge 1- a little too heavy on the tomatoe. amusing kick.
judge 2- nice, smooth tomatoe flavor. very mild
judge 3-(frank) holy crap, what the heck is in this stuff? you could remove dried paint from your driveway. took me 2 beers to put the flames out. i hope thats the worst one. these texans are crazy!
CHILI #2 AUSTINS AFTERBURNER CHILI
judge 1_ smoky, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang.
judge 2- exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
judge3- keep this out of the reach of children, i'm not sure what i am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to waive off 2 people that wanted to give me the heimlich maneaver. they had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI#3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
judge 1- excellent firehouse chili, great kick
judge 2-a bit slty good use of peppers.
judge 3_call the EPA i have located a uranium spill. my nose feels like i have been snorting DRANO.get me more beer before i ignite. barmaid pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. i think i am getting drunk from all the beer.
CHILI#4 BUBBAS BLACK MAGIC
judge 1- black bean chili with almost no spice, disapointing.
judge 2- hint of lime in the black beans, good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
judge3- i felt something scraping accross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. is it possible to burn out taste buds? sally the beer maid is standing by with refills.
CHILI#5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
judge 1- meaty, strong chili. cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. very impressive.
judge2-chili using shredded beef, could use more tomatoe, must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
judge 3-My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. the contestant seemed offended when i told that her chili had given me brain damage. sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it from the pitcher.i wonder if i'm burning my lips off. it really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI#6 VERAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
judge 1-thin yet bold, good balance of spices and peppers
judge 2-the best yet. aggressive use of peppers, onions , garlic. superb
judge 3-my intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. i crapped on myself when i farted, i am worried it will eat thru the chair. no one seems inclined to stand beside me except sally. cant feel my lips anymore. i need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI# 7 SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
judge 1- a mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
judge 2-ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment**i should take note that i am worried about judge #3. he appears to be a bit distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
judge3-you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and i wouldnt feel a thing. i've lost sight in one eye , and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. my shirt is covered with chili,which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. my pants are filled with lava to match my shirt. at least during the autopsy they will know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- its to painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway . if i need air i will suck it thru the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 BIG TOMS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
judge 1 the perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili
judge2-this final entry is a good balanced chili. niehter mild nor hot. sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.not sure he is going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
judge 3- no report

A man was standing in front of a judge, the judge looks at him and says "can you explain to me what happenned with your marriage?" the man say " well judge I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, she said she didnt care what color it was, but as long as it went from 0-200 in under 6 seconds she would be happy" the judge looking a little perplexed says " well what did you get her?" the man looks at the judge and says " a bathroom scale" GO FIGURE!!!

A gentleman walking along a beach finds a bottle, while cleaning the bottle up, a genie pops out. the genie vows to grant him one wish. the gentleman thinks and says " i would like a bridge from california to hawaii". the genie thinks about that for a moment, then responds " that is way to difficult for him" and asks that he choose another. the gentleman thinks and then says " ok i would like to understand women". the genie thinks then says " would you like that bridge 2 or 4 lane?"

bob went to his doctor and asked "is there anything a man can do to get his wife to climax at the same time as him during sex?" the doctor replied"sure, the next time you have sex and you feel yourself starting to climax, just reach down and poke her in the ribs. she will climax just like that , with a snap of his fingers".
bob went home that night and tried what the doctor had said. the very next morning bob returned to the doctors office. the doctor took one look and said "so how did it go last night?" bob replied " not what i expected." the doctor says "how so".
bob says "well my wife and I were having sex and it was good and hot, I got to that point of climax and i reached down and poked her in the ribs............AND OH MY GOD SHE DAMN NEAR BIT MY **** OFF!!!!

A blonde cowboy was walking thru town wearing nothing but his hat. A cop pulls up besides him and asks "son why are you walking out here naked?" The cowboy replies "well sir I was at the bar last night and I hooked up with this beautiful redhead, she asked if I wanted to go for a ride in her pick up truck, I said" yes mam I would." So we left and took a drive out into the country. Once we got out there she stopped the truck, got in the back of the truck and took all her clothes off. I said "damn your beautiful!" She looked at me and said " son why don't you take off your clothes as well and go to town."
Hence here I am!

A little boy walks in on his father, while he is trying a condom on. The little boy asks" what you doing dad?" the boys father thinks then says" I am getting ready to catch a mouse" the little boy looks at his dad and replies" Are you gonna f**k him when you catch him?"

this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook off in texas.
pay attention to the first 2 judges as the 3rd is evan better.
judge #3(frank) was an inexperienced chili taster from springfield ill.
Frank" recently, i was honered to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. the original person called in sick at the last moment and i happenned to be standing there at the judges table, asking for directions to the coors light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native texans) that the chilli wouldnt be all that spicy; and , besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became judge 3"

here are the judges comments
CHILI #1 MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
judge 1- a little too heavy on the tomatoe. amusing kick.
judge 2- nice, smooth tomatoe flavor. very mild
judge 3-(frank) holy crap, what the heck is in this stuff? you could remove dried paint from your driveway. took me 2 beers to put the flames out. i hope thats the worst one. these texans are crazy!
CHILI #2 AUSTINS AFTERBURNER CHILI
judge 1_ smoky, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang.
judge 2- exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
judge3- keep this out of the reach of children, i'm not sure what i am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to waive off 2 people that wanted to give me the heimlich maneaver. they had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI#3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
judge 1- excellent firehouse chili, great kick
judge 2-a bit slty good use of peppers.
judge 3_call the EPA i have located a uranium spill. my nose feels like i have been snorting DRANO.get me more beer before i ignite. barmaid pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. i think i am getting drunk from all the beer.
CHILI#4 BUBBAS BLACK MAGIC
judge 1- black bean chili with almost no spice, disapointing.
judge 2- hint of lime in the black beans, good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
judge3- i felt something scraping accross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. is it possible to burn out taste buds? sally the beer maid is standing by with refills.
CHILI#5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
judge 1- meaty, strong chili. cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. very impressive.
judge2-chili using shredded beef, could use more tomatoe, must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
judge 3-My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. the contestant seemed offended when i told that her chili had given me brain damage. sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it from the pitcher.i wonder if i'm burning my lips off. it really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI#6 VERAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
judge 1-thin yet bold, good balance of spices and peppers
judge 2-the best yet. aggressive use of peppers, onions , garlic. superb
judge 3-my intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. i crapped on myself when i farted, i am worried it will eat thru the chair. no one seems inclined to stand beside me except sally. cant feel my lips anymore. i need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI# 7 SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
judge 1- a mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
judge 2-ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment**i should take note that i am worried about judge #3. he appears to be a bit distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
judge3-you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and i wouldnt feel a thing. i've lost sight in one eye , and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. my shirt is covered with chili,which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. my pants are filled with lava to match my shirt. at least during the autopsy they will know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- its to painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway . if i need air i will suck it thru the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 BIG TOMS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
judge 1 the perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili
judge2-this final entry is a good balanced chili. niehter mild nor hot. sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.not sure he is going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
judge 3- no report

a teacher asks little johnny, " If there was 3 birds on a wire and you threw a rock at one, how many would be left?" johnny thinks then responds "none" the teacher looks at johnny and says "no that is incorrect , there would be 2 left, but how did you come up with that answer?" Johnny thinks then says "well teacher if you throw a rock at one bird they all fly away" the teacher thinks and then says" well i like your thinking." johnny says "well teach i got one for you." " there are 3 women sitting in a park eating ice cream, one woman licks from the bottom to the top, one licks all the way arround the side of the cone , and one woman just goes right down over the top of the cone." " so now which one is married?" the teacher blushes and then responds" why i guess it would be the one that goes right down over the cone." johnny looks at her and says " nope teach it is the one with the wedding ring, but i like your thinking!"

a man walks into a bar and sees a sign the reads "$10,000 for passing the test." the guy asks the bartender "what is the test?" the bartender replies "it has 3 parts, the first part is to knock old bubba clean off his stool and at 400 lbs that dont come easy" the guy then orders a shot of wiskey. He then asks "what is the 2nd part of the test?" the bartender replies " there is a grizzly bear out back with a bad tooth and a bad disposition, you need to pull that tooth." the guy then orders 2 shots and downs them.
The guy asks " what is the 3rd part of the test?" the bartender replies "there is a 500 lb woman upstairs just waiting for the man that can satisfy her in bed." the guy shakes his head a bit orders 3 more shots and and 2 beers, then sits down at a table. an hour later that same guy staggers back to the bar and says " ok wheres bubba?" the bar tender points at bubba and the guy walks over, grabs a pool cue and knocks him clean out and off his stool. the guy then looks at the bar tender, visibly he is intoxicated and says "now where is that bear?" the bartender says "out the back door, in the big cage you will find him." the guy goes staggering out the back door, soon afterward you hear the bear growling and the guy is screaming and this carries on for a good half an hour. soon the guy comes staggering back in and says "now where is that ***** with the bad tooth!!!"

ole comes home from work one day to find the car in the drive with a puddle of oil underneath it. he asks lena "whats wrong with the car? she replies "its broke can you fix it? he says " do i look like gm goodwrench to you? she says no and he says then leave me alone. the next day he comes home and there the vacume cleaner is in the middle of the floor, he asks " why is the vacume cleaner in the middle of the floor?" and lena responds" it is broke can you fix it?" ole says " do i look like mr hoover to you?" she says "no" he says "ok then leave me alone." the next day ole comes home and all the laundry is laying in piles on the floor. he asks "why is all the laundry on the floor?" she says "the washer is broke can you fix it?" he says " do i look like the maytag repairman to you?" she says "no" he says "then leave me alone."
4th day ole comes home the car is fixed , the vacume is fixed and all the laundry is done. ole asks lena "who fixed everything?" lena says "your brother." he says " how did you pay for it?" she says " he told me i could bake him a cake or give him sex." ole says "what kind of cake did you bake him?" lena says "DO I LOOK LIKE BETTY CROCKER TO YOU?"

A boy comes to his mother and asks "may I walk the dog?" mom replies " no the dog is in heat" the boy then asks " what is in heat mean?" the mom not wanting to discuss this with her young son sends him to his father whom is working in the garage. the boy goes to dad and asks"what does it mean when the dog is in heat? mom wont let me walk the dog." the dad in his wisdom says " go bring the dog here and i will take care of it" so the boy goes and gets the dog and his father puts some gasoline on a rag and rubs it all over the dogs behind. the dad then says " go ahead and walk the dog now" so the boy leaves a half hour elapses and soon the boy reurns, but without the dog. the father says to the boy" son wheres the dog" the boy replies " we got half way arround the block, the dog ran out of gas and another dog is pushing her home!!!!

A man went to visit his dad in an elderly care center, it was late and his father was tired. before he left his dad, the nurse came in with a tray, with a hot cocoa and a viagra. The man said "what is the cocoa for?" The nurse said "it will help him sleep" The man said "then what is the viagra for, he is 98 for gods sake" the nurse replies " it will keep him from rolling out of bed!!!!!"

too funny

funny thing as a dj, i was setting up a playlist. This beautiful girl walks up, leans in close so that i might hear her, then asks for a couple of songs. After her requests, she sniffs me and asks what i have on? I calmly look at her and say "why i have a hard on but i didnt know you could smell it" the rest is history!!!

angus the scottsman was sitting at a bar talking to the bar tender and he says "i remember when i was a we lad and we built da road in front of da bar, and it is a fine road too. did i get any credit for dat? NO!!! and a few years later I helped build da bar we are sitting at. did I get any credit for dat? NO!!! A few years ago I helped build da pier down at da ocean, people love dis pier. Did i get any credit for dat? NO!!!

But you F*** one goat!!! and then what happens!!

this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook off in texas.
pay attention to the first 2 judges as the 3rd is evan better.
judge #3(frank) was an inexperienced chili taster from springfield ill.
Frank" recently, i was honered to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. the original person called in sick at the last moment and i happenned to be standing there at the judges table, asking for directions to the coors light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native texans) that the chilli wouldnt be all that spicy; and , besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became judge 3"

here are the judges comments
CHILI #1 MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
judge 1- a little too heavy on the tomatoe. amusing kick.
judge 2- nice, smooth tomatoe flavor. very mild
judge 3-(frank) holy crap, what the heck is in this stuff? you could remove dried paint from your driveway. took me 2 beers to put the flames out. i hope thats the worst one. these texans are crazy!
CHILI #2 AUSTINS AFTERBURNER CHILI
judge 1_ smoky, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang.
judge 2- exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
judge3- keep this out of the reach of children, i'm not sure what i am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to waive off 2 people that wanted to give me the heimlich maneaver. they had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI#3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
judge 1- excellent firehouse chili, great kick
judge 2-a bit slty good use of peppers.
judge 3_call the EPA i have located a uranium spill. my nose feels like i have been snorting DRANO.get me more beer before i ignite. barmaid pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. i think i am getting drunk from all the beer.
CHILI#4 BUBBAS BLACK MAGIC
judge 1- black bean chili with almost no spice, disapointing.
judge 2- hint of lime in the black beans, good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
judge3- i felt something scraping accross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. is it possible to burn out taste buds? sally the beer maid is standing by with refills.
CHILI#5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
judge 1- meaty, strong chili. cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. very impressive.
judge2-chili using shredded beef, could use more tomatoe, must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
judge 3-My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. the contestant seemed offended when i told that her chili had given me brain damage. sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it from the pitcher.i wonder if i'm burning my lips off. it really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI#6 VERAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
judge 1-thin yet bold, good balance of spices and peppers
judge 2-the best yet. aggressive use of peppers, onions , garlic. superb
judge 3-my intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. i crapped on myself when i farted, i am worried it will eat thru the chair. no one seems inclined to stand beside me except sally. cant feel my lips anymore. i need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI# 7 SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
judge 1- a mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
judge 2-ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment**i should take note that i am worried about judge #3. he appears to be a bit distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
judge3-you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and i wouldnt feel a thing. i've lost sight in one eye , and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. my shirt is covered with chili,which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. my pants are filled with lava to match my shirt. at least during the autopsy they will know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- its to painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway . if i need air i will suck it thru the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 BIG TOMS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
judge 1 the perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili
judge2-this final entry is a good balanced chili. niehter mild nor hot. sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.not sure he is going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
judge 3- no report

DULLY NOTED MY FRIEND!!! AND THANKS

a blonde is driving down an old dirt road when she happens apon another blonde sitting in the middle of a field , in a canoe, and rowing madly trying to get the canoe to move. the blonde gets out of her car walks to the entrance of the field and yells " IT IS STUPID BLONDE WOMEN LIKE YOU THAT GIVES US A BAD REPUTATION....IF I KNEW HOW TO SWIM I WOULD COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!

NEED I SAY MORE????

A little boy walks in on his father, while he is trying a condom on. The little boy asks" what you doing dad?" the boys father thinks then says" I am getting ready to catch a mouse" the little boy looks at his dad and replies" Are you gonna f**k him when you catch him?"