Two men were driving on I-90 in Massachusetts when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK," the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Massachusetts, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Massachusetts, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd hell did you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say....." I wish that a$$hole would've tried that crap with me!"

LOVED IT!!!

OMG...I'm sooo excited, I just won Poison tickets on the radio.
Can't wait to go......now I need to go shopping. Does anyone know where I can get spandex leopard pants and 12 cans of aqua net???

YOU KNOW IT!!!!!

C'mon....this is called JOKE forum for a reason....lighten up!

A Red Sox fan was heading North and a Yankee fan was heading South on the George Washington Bridge...they get into a head on collision...both cars are totalled....the Red Sox fan get out's of his car and evaluates the damage....he realizes he is lucky to be alive...he then notices the Yankees fan who just got out of his car and also realizes how lucky he is to have survived the crash...he says to the RS fan."Wow, I can't believe how lucky we are ..this is incredible..maybe this is a sign to let bygones be bygones and drop this stupid rivalry...whadda ya say?" RS fan says" I agree, in fact..lemme see if something else survived the crash"...he goes to his trunk and pulls out a bottle of tequila..opens it up and offers it to the Yank who in turn guzzles half the bottle...Yank says "here you go...your turn' RS fan takes the bottle, screws the cap back on, throws the bottle over the bridge into the water and says................................."Nah, I'm good....I'll just wait for the cops"

CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
Monday April 21, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
Diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, There was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.. Sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a
special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too,
I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence" says the
man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens
become fertile?"
"I used a different ****," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

Cranberries Greatest Hits
Metallica Load
Korn Greatest Hits
Garbage Absolute Garbage
Rage Against The Machine Renegades

Frog Goes into a Bank!!


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

lmfao...you got ME beat boxer pup

Man, I still can't beat this song in Guitar Hero III

I'm not Jesus by Apocalyptica

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

25. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

24. Havng sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

23. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

22. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

21. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

20. You watch the Weather Channel.

19. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

18. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

17. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

16. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

15. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

14. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

10. You take naps.

9. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

8. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

7. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

6. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good s**t."

5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

2. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "What the hell happened?"

And the number one sign you are getting old is:

1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

30 things stressed women say at work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unscrew you.
2. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you
realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry, I forgot your ! ! name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like crap. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home!
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-crap?

You're absolutely right, MY BAD!

d'ya ever wonder why menopause has the word MEN in it?

lmao...love it!

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend


2. a companion


3. a lover


4. a brother


5. a father


6. a master


7. a chef


8. an electrician


9. a carpenter


10. a plumber


11. a mechanic


12. a decorator


13. a stylist


14. a sexologist


15. a gynecologist


16. a psychologist


17. a pest exterminator


18. a psychiatrist


19. a healer


20. a good listener


21. an organizer


22. a good father


23. very clean


24. sympathetic


25. athletic


26. warm


27. attentive


28. gallant


29. intelligent


30. funny


31. creative


32. tender


33. strong


34. understanding


35. tolerant


36. prudent


37. ambitious


38. capable


39. courageous


40. determined


41. true


42. dependable


43. passionate


44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


45. give her compliments regularly


46. love shopping


47. be honest


48. be very rich


49. not stress her out


50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself


52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself


53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:


* birthdays


* anniversaries


* arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Show up naked


2. Bring food and beer