Ha........ Nice one

Lady walks into an ice cream parlor on a hot day.

"I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream", she says.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we've had a run on chocolate in this weather and we just ran out. We've got 30 other flavours, so please pick one of them." replied the clerk.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have a quart of chocolate then."

"Ma'am, perhaps you didn't hear me. We are completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I'll be happy to sell you another flavour."

"Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then."

The clerk has had enough at this point and asks, "Listen, lady, spell the 'VAN' in 'vanilla'."

The lady is puzzled, but replies "V-A-N".

"OK, now spell the 'STRAW' in 'strawberry'. he says.

She slowly replies, "S-T-R-A-W", still not sure what he's up to.

"OK, now spell the "F*CK" in 'chocolate'."

She looks at him and says, "There's no 'f*ck' in chocolate!'

He shouts back, "That's what I'm tryin to tell you, lady! There's no f*ckin chocolate!"

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where the lord lived and died.

While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

:) That was some piece.......ha !!

Ha Ha..... this is crazy

Thx...

Dude, this is wild....

Thx

Hey Tex...

That was freakin hilarious !!

Must remember to include it in my orientation handbook

Thx

Good one....but......for 5 & 7......

In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God, nor Man has rested.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.

A grandmotherly, elderly woman, he approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

"She again replied, "Why yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge told both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that old b**ch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

It may be hard to believe how times have changed in the last 101 years.

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

Drive-by-shootings-in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy-were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide-which was thought to diminish sexual desire-into the women's drinking water.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.

Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.

Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

And we are still finding reasons to complain !!!

At this rate.... it should be "will-come"....... Shall contact each one of you and thank you later......until then hope this suffices.....


xx

Thanx...dude..... better start identtifying good skateboards....

Cool..... neat crop..... just as an afterthought....why don't women have hair on their chest....... 'coz...on the w-hole they have more.......!!! so dont worry...it's gonna grow faster that you imagined...... meeow !

Ooh......nice to feel wanted..... hopin to get to know you guys better !!!!!!

x

What are shrinkers for ..... Discuss it with them....perhaps it may lighten the load.....

Thanx guys........ kinda nice to note you guys takin time off for that short note..... But then, dont tell later, you haven't been warned..... Once again...... thanx dudes

Hello....Guess the riight thing to do would be to say hi as I am rather new here. Wish I had found it earlier...... Glad to be here ...

Hello the house. Where are all the people.....