Spring, and now summer.....finally feels like it's here in North East Wisconsin. At least an occasional day here and there with wild fluctuations into all too familiar sub normal temperatures. I didn't realize how the long, dreary winter had taken it's toll on me until I started to come out of a depression about mid-March. So, I'm back to being my cheery, little self.......which, even if no one else is relieved....I am!

I decided to celebrate spring by getting a new wardrobe. Since Omar the Tentmaker has gone out of business, I have had to resort to Fashion Bug and Lane Bryant to supply me with my stunning wardrobe selections. New on the list was a replacement for my old faithful 18 hour Playtex Bra's, size 44DD, available at all retail chain stores. Though they have served me well these many years, I decided something perhaps more sexy? feminine? was in order. I don't know who's order, exactly, but it was at the top of the list, neverthless. AND, I have become increasingly concerned that I may have to install a GPS unit to find them, as they appear to have disappeared south somewhere. One guy, with forward thinking, asked what he would say when (more like IF) he removed my bra and I responded...."what are they going down there!!"

Actually, daughter Heather had insisted on meeting me to take me shopping, but I know what that's all about! She and her sister, Jamie, may have the best of intentions, but they spend most of their time laughing hysterically as I squeeze in and out of the totally inapproriate selections of clothing they have chosen. So the plan was to get the jump on the new wardrobe withOUT her assistance......

Fashion Bug was my first stop. Such a wonderful variety of lacy bra's. Colours and fabrics to rival all the 32 A's and B's. That is exactly where the comparison stops, because what works for A's and B's definitely does NOT work for DD's! I have come to take the comfort of my beloved 18 hour Playtex Bra's for granted! I thought perhaps a foray into an under-wire push-up bra would feature my finer assets, but these bra's are more or less torture devices! What was firm and perky at 1/2 my age, and would have shown off beautifully with one of these devises, shares no resemblance to the mass of tissue I have faithfully kept shrouded from public view for the past 25 years, and which I was now contemplating of putting on display once again.

I believe bra designers intentionally chose the roughest, most abrasive fabric they can find to put in these bra's! You know how it works ladies. You put the bra on backwards and fasten the hooks and eyes, then turn the bra around and pull the straps over your shoulders, adjusting the mammarial tissue to fit in the space reserved for their presence. With the excess of adipose tissue I have acquired over the years, there was not, I repeat, NOT NEARLY enough space reserved for their presence.......it didn't matter which size or style. It didn't help that the lighting was the glaring, overhead lights that make the slightest shadow look like the dark side of Mt. KcKinley. And all the twisting and turning required to get the contraptions into the right place was taking a toll on my tender skin. By the 4th or 5th bra, it looked like I had a terrible case of road rash, around my mid-section ONLY. How would I explain THAT if I got in an accident and had to go to the hospital?

Finally, I couldn't take any more and ventured off to Lane Bryant. Quite a different atmosphere here. They actually have trained bra fitters. When she took my measurements, she said, 'Don't be scared by this, but you need a 44G'. WHAT? "G' as in Gargatuan, Gi-normous?" Okay...whatever.....as it turned out, I actually fit into a 44F! What a relief! I was beginning to feel like Dolly Partons wannabe! AND the good new is, I will be able to get double duty out of the softly padded cup by using it as a helmet liner in the event that I ever need one, it is THAT big. I understand where all the tissue is coming from, but to have it properly corralled in one place is quite impressive if I do say so myself. I tell ya, these new bra's are really something, even I enjoy looking at the twins now that they aren't at waist level and I can see them! Over all, it was a very successful shopping trip. I think I'll buy stock in Lane Bryant......Y'all have a good day now, ya hear??.......Sue