Sorry that the 2nd. part took so long, but hopefully well worth it.


When my son died my husband and I cried and held each other, My husband
then stopped crying, talking and laughing. I could not understand how he
turned off his emotions and I started to hate and blame him. He on the
other hand went more into himself. I was so caught up in myself that I
lost him. I could never go back to the way it was before. I was feeling
more alone than I had ever felt in my life, I now had to move forward. I
now know that parents each suffer a special burden at the time of loss,
but even in marriage, each parent must seek and find support in his or
her own way. It is difficult for parents whose agony seems to be
crushing their every breath to be thoughtful, compassionate, and
supportive of anyone else, including each other. We need to recognize
that grief is not a time when you can lean on your spouse or your
children. Give each other the space to individualize your sorrow.
From the moment a child is born, parents feel a sense of
responsibility. When your child dies, you blame yourself because somehow
you failed in this most sacred trust by not keeping your child out of
harms way. You feel that your child's death somehow resulted from a
failure on your part. Anger often mixes with this guilt and it is not
always clear where to direct the anger and rage you feel. My first
reaction was it should have been me, not my child and the other reaction
was how can that one be having a child, she is not as good a person or
mother as I would have been. Why God can she have all these children and
my child was taken. So many questions, no answers. A baby shower was the
worst thing that you could ask me too. My anger and hatred was so deep
that I constantly thought this is not fair. Why them and not me. Who
could be happy for someone else, when so many emotions are running
through your mind. I have been told by other parents who lost children
that they are angry at the child for going away and leaving them with
all this suffering. I have also heard and felt that a new child in the
family was the worst thing that could happen to me. How could I feel joy
for them and their new child when I was so unhappy. As soon as these
thoughts surface, however, the guilt they produce pushes them back
inside themselves. Confusion is another emotion that we deal with. When
all these emotions are vented in a safe way, anger can and is a healthy
emotion. Anger is essential to express without causing danger or harm to
yourself or others. Some people feel better if they can make a lot of
noise. One mother told me she could not stand being alone and quiet.
Some people feel better if they have a lot of noise around. It is
understandable to feel tremendous anger toward God for the tragedy that
has fallen on you. I would go to Church and cry all the way through
Mass. Write a letter to God expressing your anger, with time you will
come to realize that God did not cause your suffering but rather suffers
with you. I wrote many letters to God during my grief and then would sit
with a big ashtray and burn them. It made me feel better that no one
would see the terrible thoughts and feelings I was having towards God,
but burning them also gave me a sense of freedom. Keep a journal,
express your outrage, your guilt, your fear. Whatever you are feeling,
it will take time to work through all the powerful emotions of grief. In
the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Allow others to help. Try to find
a trusted and understanding friend, tell them how you feel, share your
fears, grief and feelings that you think are utterly stupid. You will
have found the right person when you can say over and over how you feel
and that person just listens, cries with you and then reaches out to
you. No one will be able to take the pain away, but for someone to just
listen helps you to hear yourself also. Healing can only happen when we
can talk openly about our heartache and memories. I found that when I
spoke to other people who suffered my pain I found it helped my pain.
The biggest piece of advice I have learned in all of this is to face
fear and learn to trust again. Fear often lurks in shadows and we who
mourn frequently feel vulnerable and defenseless. I was afraid that my
child would be forgotten-never by me but perhaps by others who had not
held him close to their hearts. People would tell me to "let go" it
sounded so cold and mean. I thought this is so easy for them to say,
since most people do not understand the depth of your pain. The thought
of letting go felt like I was abandoning my child and all this child had
meant to me. Never would I forget and never would I stop loving. My
biggest fear was I would forget what my child looked like, remember his
presence, his voice, his smile. 23 year later I still remember my son,
not the tubes, not the hospital, not the staff, but a beautiful little
boy who would hold my finger and make my heart leap with love and joy.
The hardest part for me is not having a picture to look at, only the
memories pasted to a mothers heart. My son died at 6 weeks but that
will never change the pain and grief I have suffered. I have spoken to
parents and have a parent who lost a son or daughter as young adults,
they feel the same pain as a parent who lost a newborn, love is love and
loss is loss no matter the age or circumstance. A grieving parent feels
like they are going insane and is especially vulnerable to anxieties
about remaining children and loved ones. Will they be safe? What can I
do to keep tragedy from striking again? How could I bear another loss?
When my second son was born I would not bathe or carry him because I was
afraid I would hurt him. When I held him I was afraid he too would die.
I was afraid to love him for fear he too would leave me. The fears I had
were so real I thought I was going to have to be put away. There are no
magic words or responses to these anxieties. But you will work through
your feelings, you will actually find that healing gradually and
mysteriously begins to occur. Your anxieties will slowly fade into the
background and life will resume some balance. With time you will
discover that even though you have been changed in deep and lasting way,
you will learn to trust life and God once again. When my son died I was
awoken in the middle of the night by a presence, I sat alone in my
living room and could see nothing but a bright light. I did not see
anyone or anything just a great white light, but the words I heard and
walked away with on my heart will be there forever, I to this day
believe that God spoke to me and to other parents who have lost, God
told me that he loved me and suffered with me at this time, he told me
that even though we look for answers to our loss here on earth, the
answers are not to be found here, he said when I felt the most alone to
look for him that he was with me, and that I should always believe in
him no matter how hard times and days would be. At the time I did not
think I could ever believe again, but as days and years went by I
realized that God was the one constant in my life, I found myself
talking to him in a whole new way. He was not some great face that I
saw in pictures, he was not in the bible I neglected to read, his love
was constant, he was with me always, and he reminded me he was with me
daily, God never left my side whenever I doubted or cried, I cried out
in his name, I found words of comfort that I still feel were not mine
but his, I found a gift to put my thoughts on paper, this gift helped me
through long days and lonely nights. God did not give me great words of
advice, but I did feel warmth in his presence, I felt sorrow and loss
but at the same time I felt peace. No mind boggling miracles happened
that night as in burning bushes or waters parting, but a miracle of
peace happened, a peace that let me continue on in my pain, a peace
that allowed me to smile when someone needed a smile, a peace that
allowed me to speak with others who suffered and understood my loss, to
cry with them and laugh with them over memories that only a parent can
share.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my child, and after
much time on your journey you will celebrate your child's life instead
of dwelling on their death. I still have moments of intense pain, but
many more moments of love, contentment and peace.
P. Christopher
to be continued.....

And this moment shall be forever...

These I can promise...

I promise to give you the best of myself
and to ask of you no more than you can give.

I promise to respect you as your own person
and to realize that your interests, desires and needs
are no less important than my own.

I promise to share with you my time and my attention
and to bring joy, strength and imagination to our relationship.

I promise to keep myself open to you,
to let you see through the window of my world
into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.

I promise to grow along with you,
to be willing to face changes in order to keep
our relationship alive and exciting.

I promise to love you in good times and bad,
with all I have to give and all I feel inside
in the only way I know how,
completely and forever.

I can promise all my heart's devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

Yes, I'll Marry You,
I love you.
P. Christopher

going ok, except for the fact that with what I do, people seem to,
shall I say " FREAK OUT"
I know and expect them to, but doesn't always sink in til it happens.
And How are you??

So I hope that everyone is doing well and that you'r New Years has given
what you expect, or at-least has started...

P. Christopher
Until...

To everyone of you, whom sent e-mails the last couple of days while I
was in Samolia,Africa and Caracasas,South America the last couple of
days, THANK YOU.

P.Christopher
Until...





It meant alot, again thanks... What a quick trip.

Jeff,
I hope you learn from your mistakes and I hope that this letter I wrote
for the both of you helps you to understand that you cant keep pushing
people away, just because you get afraid.
Take heed in knowing you deserve happiness, you just need to accept it.
And, Teri will be back...

P. Christopher
Until...

What I lost...


Dear Teri,

I didn't realize until now just how badly I mishandled our relationship
and my feelings for you. By being
apart and not talking for so long, I quickly learned that you were
everything I ever wanted and by being so
afraid of losing you, I ended up chasing you away by scaring the heck
out of you. It wasn't until now that
I've realized that instead of complaining about the time I didn't have
with you, I should've cherished the
time I did have, because it was real and filled with affection. I didn't
realize until now ....

I was never alone when we were apart, because just as you were on my
mind, I was likely on yours. It
wasn't until now that I've realized how special it was to hear your
voice even just once a day, let alone
several times a day, instead of pouting that you may have fallen asleep
without calling first.

And finally, it wasn't until now that I've realized that it wasn't the
late phone call for me to come over
because you missed me, or to stay overnight that I miss so much ... what
I do miss is the feeling behind the
way you always stared at me and kissed my hand in the car. The way we
looked into each other's eyes and
spoke without saying a word. The way you wrote I love you on a steamy
window or mirror only to show up
again and again for me to see when we were apart. The way you signed to
me that you loved me or snuck a
kiss or hug in while the kids weren't watching. The way we joked that we
were attached at the hip while

fixing supper. The way we wrestled while tickling each other. Teri, I
could go on and on but you know
what I'm saying. Yes, it's the little things I miss the most. The little
things that I so recklessly took for
granted. All the other was purely a bonus that I overreacted on,
eventually destroying "Us."

The promise I made to you is a promise that I will keep forever no
matter what. You will always hold a
special place in my heart. Even though I'm dating here and there, I seem
to end up comparing them to you.

You've set the bar very high for me and that's a good thing because I
refuse to settle for less than the
standard you've set. On that Thursday (July 6th.) when I returned home
and found your e-mail, it was the
happiest I'd been in that 8 weeks. I so applaud you for making that move
because at the very least, I
regained a friend. One that means the world to me.

So, here's the reason I had to tell you this; if that man in your dreams
vaguely has a name and a face,
resembling mine, tell him to chill for a bit, so he doesn't make another
life altering mistake by moving on,
possibly settling for less. You can be assured that this time, he will
take the proper time for you to be ready
to accept it, however long that may take.

Before I close I want to sincerely say one last thing straight from my
heart ... I'm very sorry I tried to force
you play by my rules, and I realize now what I miss the very most is
you!

Forever my love,
Jeffrey

I wonder...

Wonder, to ponder or deliberate at length.

As you might know, deliberating at length often leads us down any
variety of intriguing mental pathways in the altered state and into the
most delightful past time known as day dreaming. I remember one time
being told that as long as I daydreamed, I would never amount to
anything, and I was just wasting my time.
It is precisely during one of those glorious forays that I chanced
upon a little known pathway, of my mind. Not expecting to find another
soul in MY secluded world, I asked who are you...
I wonder.
You wonder who you are; don't you know.
Of course, I wonder.
Well, of course!
Suddenly it was all so clear; I wonder.
That part of us that somehow never looses our child-like curiosity. That
part of us that somehow remains the innocent, in awe of a raindrop, or a
snowflake. It is that part that is surprised, believes in Santa... that
dares to dream...to feel... to risk being hurt, and yet knows it will
survive, even triumph.
It is that part of us that says: I wonder what would happen if;

I wonder what would happen if someone said, Have a nice day, and
really meant it.
I wonder what would happen if the sky was red instead of blue, and
if birds swam and fish flew.
I wonder if I look inside myself, will I find divinity, or a dark
shadow.
I wonder if I close my eyes real tight, will the world disappear.
Will I be all right?
I wonder what would happen if we humans could truly love
unconditionally, like a puppy or kitten. Would society go to the dogs?
I wonder what would happen if all the clocks in the world, really
stopped. What would it feel like to really be in the moment?
I wonder what would happen if the sky really fell. Who would be
there to pick it up? What would happen to today?
I wonder what would happen if I truly believe that I have no limits.
What excuse would I have for achieving less than miracles? Would I even
need one?
I wonder what would happen if, in middle age, I realize that I
didn't become my parent. I became me.

I wonder if Mother Earth's children can move from evolving through
pain, misery and suffering, to evolving through love, joy and
compassion.
I wonder when we are going to realize, that we think about
ourselves. I wonder if we can save us from ourselves.
I wonder what would happen if I said I love you instead of thank you
and goodbye.

I wonder is the ultimate expression of self... it's when you take I
wonder and turn it into; I am. It's the power to take your world and
make it what you envision the world to be...
Just think what would happen if everyone did this.

P. Christopher
Until...

it has to do with relationships, if you really read it.
Sorry, if I offend some people, by my writings.
I just write, hoping someone uses my words to keep hold of someone
else, so that they dont end up on this site, looking for "completeness".

P. Christopher
Until...

So soft
the brief touch of your lips
on my cheek.

Was I almost intruding?

"Look after yourself "
should have been
"I love you!"

Then the Jumbo flew over
my head
and I shouted my love
above the roar
and thundering thrust

. . . as if you'd hear.

Through the clouds in my eyes
I watched you fly away
and wished I'd been born with wings.

P. Christopher
Until...

sluggo, I know your kidding and I thank everyone for thier advice.
P. Christopher
Until...

So, I travel this Country all the time and was just wondering,
something. How do you get the gut's up to ask someone out on a date?
I have met a few very proper, and wonderful women on here, and rather
than ask one out, I just listen and go on. Anyways, was just wondering..
P. Christopher
Until...

Sugargirl,
I must say that you have a very beautiful glow aroud you.
P. Christopher
Until...

Iceprincess, T-Y.

The day I will never forget...


I have been with my boyfriend for almost 1 year and 3 months now. To
this day, I can never forget when he had asked me out for the first time
to be his girlfriend. My boyfriend and I met in September of 2001. We
met through an ex-friend of mine. I actually met him at the bowling
alley. Weird place to meet your soul mate huh? Anyway, the second he
walked through the door, I thought he was kind of a punk because he
acted and dressed like one. Little did I know he would fall just as hard
for me as I did for him. After I got to know him, he was a really sweet
guy who, like me, had no luck with relationships. They were always using
him for something or treating him like crap. Kind of like most of my
relationships were in the past. For the next 3-4 months we called each
other on the phone and chatted online here and there and sometimes I
went up to his work when he had his break and saw him and he would come
down to my house to see me when he got off of work. I was seriously
falling in love with this guy and he was falling in love with me. He
hadn't asked me out at all though and I was waiting for it because I
wanted so badly for us to be together. I thought he would never asked me
out. He came up to my house on Christmas of 2001 and we were just
sitting on the couch watching tv and out of the blue he whispers in my
ear "Would you go out with me?" My heart jumped! I think I said 'Yes'
before he even got the whole question out! Our relationship has been
great since then. We are happy and doing great together. I couldn't be
happier and I couldn't have a better boyfriend. I know what helped us
was being friends first and then slowly we evolved into a relationship.
All I know is that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have such a
caring, sweet, and respectful boyfriend. I'm so glad he asked me out.
That's why every year, I can't wait for Christmas to come so we can
celebrate our anniversary. :)

P. Christopher
Until...

I was asked t write this for a friend whom fell in love with her
"soul-mate"
What a great christmas gift...

thanks lamom. I appreciate that very much.
P. Christopher
Until...

You just can't imagine
how much I miss you sometimes!
Oh, I know you're not in Timbuktu or anything,
but there are times
when not just anyone will do-
times when I really wish you were
right here, right now
to confide in, laugh with, and talk to.

It's amazing how often I'll wonder
what you'd think about something
or what you'd advise me to do
in certain situations.

Or I'll see something
and just know that nobody else
would think it's funny...
except you.

I guess what I want you to know
is that even though we apart now,
I still feel closer to you than I do
to many people I see every day.
That's just a fact.

And I thought it might
make you feel good to know
How very important you are to me...
no matter where life finds
either of us !

P. Christopher
Until...



ps: someone sent me a e-mail and asked for inspiritation for a friend.
thats all

what I was saying girl, is that you have a HEART of gold, but sometimes
you wear your heart on your sleeve and that in it's self makes you a
beautiful person, let alone, your looks.
P. Christopher
Until...

who was you talking about when you said not bad looking and so sweet??
Just curious

very nice looking, and a little secretive in sorts. And what is on the
in-side is the same. Pretty
P.Christopher
Until...