A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired
The pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

3 fellows died & met at the Pearly Gates about the same time. The Guardian of the gate asked the first man what he did while on Earth that made him think he deserved to enter the Pearly Gate. He said," Why, I was a Minister & I converted many people into Christians". The Guardian said, “Okay, go sit on that bench over there". He asked the second man the same question & he replied," Well, I was a Priest & also spread the word & did a lot of good deeds. He also was told to go sit on the bench. “When he asked the third man the same question all he said was, “Well, I was a trucker”. The Guardian of the Pearly Gate upon hearing that, swung open the door & said, “Come in, Come in”. The Priest & Minister immediately questioned, "Why was a trucker admitted before two men of God?" The Guardian on the Gate answered," This ONE trucker scared the Devil out of more people in one day then you did in your ENTIRE lives".

Miss Smith is a kindergarten teacher
and today is her birthday. As she walked
into her classroom one of her students, Sally,
had brought a gift up to her desk.

"Guess what it is!" said Sally
Knowing that Sally's father owned a bookstore
she guessed, "A Book?"

"How did you know?" asked Sally

Next Dillon brought a gift up to Miss Smith.
"Guess What it is!" said Dillon.
Knowing that Dillon's parents owned a
florist shop, she guessed, "Flowers?"

"How did you know? asked Dillon
Finally, Joey brought up a gift for Miss Smith.
"Guess what it is!" said Joey.
Knowing that Joey's father owned a liquor store,
and seeing that the bag was wet, she placed her
fingers on the liquid and then licked them.

"Rum?" guessed Miss Smith.
"No" said Joey
She tasted again, "Vodka?" she guessed.
"No" said Joey.
Once again she wet her fingers and tasted,
"I know," said Miss Smith, "It's wine."

"No!" said Joey, "it's puppy!"

MM is the most irritating thing about JSH. you spend time going through bunches of matches, say yes, no or maybe, (maybe is the same as yes by the way) and you get a few that said yes or maybe to you.... GREAT!!! right? NOT. if you should dare to send an email to someone you assume might be interested in you, you are either shot down or ignored. The theroy is they said yes or maybe on you too right? I'm not sure. I get emails saying that someone wants to meet me, then when I do MM I sometimes get the notification that I have a MM. I have never gotten a message from a MM. I'm thinking that there is something not working right.

no problem. I have it all in word files... so I just copy and pasted it....

neither were written by me. one the author is listed, the other the author is unknown. I didn't think you were trying to convert me.... that one was in response to Enya's response to you.

Are Witches Satanic

An Open Letter from a Witch:

I am a witch. I do not worship Satan; I am not interested in Satan. Satan was invented by the Christians. Satanism is a form of Christianity. I am not a Christian. I don't go to church on Sunday. Jesus is NOT my savior. He was simply a holy man who lived 2,000 years ago. I am not afraid of going to Hell because I don't believe in Hell any more than I believe in Satan. I believe in reincarnation; that I will come back to this world or another and live out another life. I am not evil. Telling people I am a "good witch" or asking me if I am a good witch implies that there are evil witches. There are evil people in the world and there are people who chose to work with the forces of nature in a way that harms others; those people are NOT witches.The central law of being a witch is: "if it harms none, do as you will." Please don't ask me about sacrificing cats or desecrating churches. I love my cats! And I don't go into churches or synagogues unless a friend from that religion invites me to some special occasion. And if I DO enter a church, I am not struck by lightning. If a Christian or a Jew or a Buddhist came to a pagan ritual, our gods would not strike them dead either. Isn't that something to think about?Wearing a pentacle is no different than wearing a cross, crucifix, or Star of David. If you want me to take off the symbol of MY religion (and Wicca is a religion, protected by the same First Amendment rights as other religions) because it's offensive, you need to make everyone of every religion do that. The five points of the star signify the four elements of Earth, Air, Fire & Water, and the fifth point is Spirit; encircled by the World. How that can offend anyone boggles my little pagan mind. An image of a tortured, dying man is more offensive, yet thousands of people openly wear crucifixes every day. Please don't ask me if I'm in a "coven" in that half-horrified, half-fascinated tone of voice. If I want to talk about my coven, I will bring it up. If I am a solitary practitioner, I have no coven to discuss. In any case, our rituals have candles, food, drink, poetry, dancing...yes, there is a knife but it only cuts the air, not anyone's flesh.I don't drink blood. I am not some kind of vampire. I wear black because it keeps negativity away and to tell the truth...it looks better on me than pink, orange and purple polka dots!If you want to ask me something related to MY religion, ask me when the next full moon is. Or the next blue moon Or what a blue moon IS! Ask me about herbs. Crystals, Healing, Even ask me to make you a love potion.I don't cast spells on other people and I won't cast a spell on you to make you prettier, thinner, more desirable. I won't cast a spell on your quarry to make him/her love you. Trust me, you don't want that, you don't want the Karma that involves and neither do I! That's a form of manipulation, taking away someone's power, infringing on their free will. Not nice at all.I also won't cast a binding spell to make someone STOP doing something to you. Spell work is about co-creation. A witch works with universal energy, with the gods, to tilt the engine of probability somewhat.Need money? Don't try to ensorcel your boss to give you a raise. Simply ask the universe to increase the flow of abundance in your direction. That infringes on NO ONE's free will.Giving me a book about the Burning Times is like giving a book on The Holocaust to a Jewish person. It's not funny and is rude!Yes, I do go to Salem, but not because any of those poor executed people were witches(the jury is still out on some of them), but because there's cool pagan shops there. If there were cool pagan shops in a town called East Cowflop, I'd go there as well!Don't try to make me ashamed of who I worship and what I am. Please don't try to convert me or "save" me. Don't throw holy water on me. Don't leave little pamphlets on my desk or windshield. I don't need to be saved.Witches are proud of the fact that we don't recruit people to become witches. We simply ARE and those around us see how we think, how we act and our inner peace and only when someone says "how do I become a witch?" do we take them into the fold with us.I will NEVER leave a religious tract with anyone. I don't have one, unless you count this letter. I am not asking you to convert. I am only asking you to pease understand. If you don't want to understand, well then just leave me alone

~Author unknown~

BLESSINGS

The Wiccan Rede

Bide the Wiccan Laws we must
In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust...
Live and let live,
Fairly take and fairly give.
Cast the Circle thrice about
To keep the evil spirits out.
To bind the spell every time
Let the spell be spake in rhyme.
Soft of eye and light of touch,
Speak but little, listen much.
Deosil go by waxing moon,
Chanting out the Witches' Rune.
Widdershins go by waning moon,
Chanting out the baneful rune.
When the Lady's moon is new,
Kiss thy hand to Her, times two.
When the moon rides at her peak,
Then your heart's desire seek.
Heed the North wind's mighty gale,
Lock the door and drop the sail.
When the wind comes from the South,
Love will kiss thee on the mouth.
When the wind blows from the West,
Departed souls will have no rest.
When the wind blows from the East,
Expect the new and set the feast.
Nine woods in the cauldron go,
Burn them fast and burn them slow.
Elder be the Lady's tree,
Burn it not or cursed you'll be.
When the Wheel begins to turn,
Let the Bealtaine fires burn.
When the Wheel has turned to Yule,
Light the log, the Horned One rules.
Heed ye Flower, Bush and Tree,
By the Lady, Blessed Be.
Where the rippling waters go,
Cast a stone and truth you'll know.
When ye have a true need,
Hearken not to others' greed.
With a fool no season spend,
Lest ye be counted as his friend.
Merry Meet and Merry Part,
Bright the cheeks and warm the heart.
Mind the Threefold Law you should,
Three times bad and three times good.
When misfortune is endow,
Wear the blue star on thy brow.
True in Love ever be,
Lest thy lover's false to thee.
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill:
An' it harm none,
Do what ye will.
Blessed Be to thee.
by Adriana Porter

I would goto the sender and report it as spam....there should be a button...... I think its the abuse button?

I feel the same way about myspace!!!!! Its all about Me, Myself, and I. I connect with all kinds of people, old friends, new friends. I searched for my BFF from HS for yrs... finally found her on MS!!! I just love the way you can let your creativity out too.
myspace.com/shutup_stipid

You are not the only one this has happened to. I have seen it from the other end. I was having nice conversations with a gentleman here. (I am well aware that everyone talks to more than one person at a time on these sites.) The "other" woman he was chatting with demanded he delete all his friends, or she wouldn't talk to him any more. I was one of those 5 or 6 friends. (When you delete your friends the Testimonials you left for them dissappear too.) I guess I'm not a normal female. When I see someone has friends, and they write a book on how nice you are, I see a person that is well liked... NOT a player!!! Well, I was quite upset at being deleted. And the excuse that this other person made such a demand, and it was followed.... well it p1ssed me off. It made me feel VERY insignificant. I told the gentleman to watch out for this other person to make other demands... like... STOP TALKING TO YOUR FAMILY!!!! Insecure people tend to be very controlling. Is this who any one of us want to be our happily ever after?

How to Give your Cat a Pill



1) Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That’s a nice kitty."
2) Drop pill into its mouth.
3) Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
4) Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
5) Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
6) Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
7) Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
8) If you're a woman, have a good cry.
9) If you're a man, have a good cry.
10) Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
11) Retrieve cat and pill.
12) Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops! This isn't working, is it?
13) Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
14) Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
15) Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
16) Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
17) Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
18) (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
19) Roll cat in towel. Work fast: time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
20) Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head.

21) Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

22) Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
Vacuum up loose fur, (cat’s).
23) Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
24) Take two aspirins and lie down.

20 things to say in the bathroom


1) Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2) Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3) Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4) Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5) Drop a marble and say, "Oh ****! My glass eye!"
6) Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7) Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8) Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9) Say,” Humus, Reminds me of humus."
10) Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11) Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12) Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say,” Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13) Say,” C’mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14) Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15) Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16) Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17) Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18) Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19) Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,” Peek-a-boo!"
20) Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

At least you got a text message! Think about it. It is better than being ignored. At least now you know what he is all about. He could have used you a few more weeks to make her jealous.

I seem to have the same problem. In the beginning I got lots of views, and even a few messages. Now NOTHING for a week or 2. I have seen this happen on all the sites I belong to. I guess you are only interesting when you are new.....

I sort of agree with you..... If a profile is really bad, I don't care how cute he is, I won't message him.

OK. WARES () THE WILLOW SWITCH?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I thought Twitterpated was the oddest word they made up!!!!

i like mean people. they are fun. you never know when they are going to floor you with a comment. they never let others walk on them then whine about it. yup, mean people are ok in my book.

ty and yw to all who responded... lol