i don't think he's eating grain now...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

The man replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here, let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.” Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.

“You must be new here,” says the hairy man, “it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” she says.

The man yells, “Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours, you haven’t even had the chance to see all our facilities.”

The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 65 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!”

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

k.... so mine was a joke.. you on the other hand have rage issues... in a word... therapy :D

I wrote this one day as a commentary on all the online dating sites... it is a parody... not designed to actually offend anyone, i just realized that we're all in a turnstile waiting to get hooked like fish :D so I wrote a profile to match it... if any woman out there, with equal wit can write one equivelant to that of the majority of male profiles that you read, I'd love to read it :)

(----------- humour only : if this offends you, then it is you -----------------------)
well lets see...
obviously i'm looking for that typical woman that has blonde hair enhanced by highlights,
with the perfect figure, which is of course artificially augmented. And lets not forget
botox. One can never have too much botox!!

of course you have a perfect tan, and are bubbly and like to do all the boy stuff, so
that i'll read your profile, and obviously you're sweet! oh did i mention blonde with
blue eyes? there doesn't seem to be a lot of the blonde blue eyed, works out at the gym,
and is fit, wanting the man that "completes" her on this online dating site,
can you believe that? I know! It was a shock to me as well!

Oh! I love being with the woman that wants that hot guy! The same kind of guy she chases
in the bars and is now chasing online, because obviously if she hasn't figured out that
she'll end up with the same kind of guy online after getting hurt by them in the bars,
then that is the girl for me!!!

I know who you are by the wonderful cleavage shots and butt shots you give in your picture
choices, since after all, you want to be loved for your mind, not your body, as you
flaunt it in as many pictures as you can! Because that is what guys want! If you have
at least 1 picture with you holding some fruity drink or a martini glass with some
colored liquid within, then obviously you're the girl I want! Because it would be
horrid to have to leave you at the bar or club with the $5 you came with to buy your
first drink before you played the room and had the other boys buy you drinks!

it would be really helpful if you were shallow and superficially materialistic as well,
while declaring you're not, so that we both know that entitlement issues are first and
foremost.

If you're a narcissist, please do contact me so we can both spend the rest of our lives
making it all about you! If you use words like "princess" or "baby" or "material girl" or
"girly girl" to describe yourself, then you're the girl for me! I know that I'll have
a lifetime of you *****ing and complaining if everything isn't done just your way for
you and who cares if it inconveniences anyone else, because the sun and the moon rise
and set on your ass!!!

oh! If you're a bohemian vegetarian? Please! Be sure to wear your leather shoes, jacket
and gloves when we meet so I know you're steadfast in your convictions. After all, there
is nothing wrong with skinning the animal as long as you don't eat the meat right?

If you live in Eastern Europe currently, i would LOVE to fly you and your entire family
over to save you from the hardships, and of course I will love you sight unseen by the
first bulk email you send me! If you're a pornbot that wants me on messenger to pay 9.95$
to see your cam, obviously i am aching to have my CC billed by adult entertainment
charges over and over again!

For those of you that tell everyone that you know what you want, be sure to constantly
look over your shoulder and keep an online profile just in case something better comes
along, you know... so you don't miss out, and can trade in the guy you're with currently
equal to that of a drive-thru... because even though you know what you want, you might
actually be wrong in what you choose and what you want might be just around the corner
in your convictions of surety which in reality doesn't exist, but it sounds great in
your profile.

I would love if it you spoke your mind. Constantly giving your opinion on anything and
everything, telling everyone else that you don't agree, and that they're wrong, as you
give it! Make sure that you speak your mind at every unsolicited opportunity to be sure
that everyone around you as fully aware that you never filter anything that you say,
speaking before thinking, and never using wisdom or prudence. After all it is very
important to be sure that all whom are around you know that you have never heard the
phrase, "speaking is silver and silence is golden" and that you are incapable of ever
knowing that most times it isn't worth saying anything and that your opinion isn't the
be all and end all of life. Besides, I'd like to know that I have a woman that is totally
common and low class.

I want someone that travels. And by travels I mean goes to another country, stays in a
hotel. Brings a camera and brings all their preconceived idea's, hang-ups, bigotries,
and narrow-mindedness, taking pictures of everything and everyone as though you're
visiting a zoo.

It would be even better, if when you do go and you see them eating something that makes
you say "ewwww that's gross" and make it known that they don't do that in your country
so that everyone knows you're ignorant and a tourist. After all it is important to me
that we come off as shallow and narrow minded as possible while simultaneously telling
everyone that we're open minded and bohemian.

Please please please watch shows like big brother, or those pick a mate reality shows,
because it is important to me to know that your value system includes subversion, games,
sneakiness, and back-stabbing. How else can I be sure that you're going to treat me in
a manner that is in your best interest? Remember! we're making this all about you!

and last but not least! It is very important to me that you have a mundane cliche which
has been used a million times that you found on a website, or a hallmark greeting card,
in your blast or tagline or opening statement or even in your profile so that you at least
attempt to sound like you have some depth, even though we both know it's just not true
at all. Because dammit! It isn't about what you really are, its about what you say to
get what you want! And you are what we are here for aren't we now?

Yes!!! Lets hear it for you!!!!

(----------- humour only : if this offends you, then it is you -----------------------)

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man.
"I just came in my pants!"

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

Little red riding hood was walking through the woods one day on her way to grandma's house, when suddenly the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree, grabbing her around the waiste breathing bad breath from that mickey he had earlier, drooling and slurring said, "i'm going to have my way with you! I'm going to impregnate you, and sodomize you and do it over and over again until you pass out red"

calmy and collected Red Riding hood casually reached into her basket and pulled out a 357 magnum and shoved it in the snout of the big bad wolf, catching him off guard saying,
"uhhh no... you're going to eat me like the book says!!"

smarties... totaly about the smarties, and instead of throwing the green ones at traffic like normal... i'd try one... of course if it was as green as i thought, than i'd drop it on traffic...

ohohohohoh!!! i'd also say neener to everything... jsut cuz if you're gonna die, then who cares who you annoy to death right? hell you might be doing them a favor :D

just replace it, it isn't any money to buy a new one now, however if you're going to have to do this, i would be willing to bet that your motherboard is still under warranty. most people immediately think "oh oh oh!!! buy new board" except that the mother board has a different warranty than the actuat full oem unit itself does.

all computers are only made by three manufacturers world wide, including laptops.
period.

so go back to where you purchased the initial machine (must have receipt or you are hooped) and check with the techs there (do not talk to salesman) - that would be the first step :)

well i figure in a few years, we'll legally be able to order custom made clones... yup... i figure... true that!

which means that we'll all be perfectly happy dating replicants, and guess what! i bet that vegas will open the very first drive through buy a replicant!

sort of like online dating sites now

well those figures are averaged i'm thinking. When i do usa contracts i never get less than 75$/hr and when i'm here in canada my rate is 140/hr, and i get it.

the military contracts (i'm on one right now) for the usa is 65/hr which is what i'm getting right now, with full billable, and rebills on changes and edits...

so....

those are wholly innaccurate statistics... but then, most statistics are blanket washed anyway to fit the largest demographic...

lol, most guys don't even fill prescriptions, let alone take meds, so yeah this is going to work well... can you imagine? I bet that if a guy takes this pill its because a girl is carrying them in her purse, which makes you know exactly how many people she's slept with by the number missing from the listed amount on the bottle...

hmm, what a double edged sword that is going to be...

or worse... wifey makes hubby take the pill and he decided one day to randomly count them and 5 are missing :D heh... guess who gets **** for that one heh...