Going on to another question...It would be hard for me to be with a man who needs to play "king of the hill" or "top dog" or boss or the absolute and final "authority" of the family...If I tried to be with a man like this our life together would make good "material" for a sit-com or "Saturday Night Live" skit...In "closed systems" (like this) everyone is suppose to go along with the "existing order" and play out their "assigned roles" and never question any of it...I ask too many questions...I don't want to live my life playing out "set roles" forever and ever. I want to "grow beyond" who I used to be yesterday and who I am today...This isn't possible in a "closed system" with "set" rules and roles.

I think we can "program" and "condition" the people in our lives by our comments and compliments. (Or by not saying anything.)...I was definitely aware of this when I was raising my sons...I didn't want to make them fit into my "mold" by only noticing certain things they did and ignoring everything else...If a man only compliments me about my "looks" or my cooking or my so-called "feminine traits" I feel like I'm being pushed into a "mold" and told who I'm expected to "be."...And it won't work-out because I don't want to limit myself to "kitchen tools" or pots and pans...My husband didn't want to be stuck or confined to a "man cave." He wanted to feel free to "spread his wings" and venture into many different areas...I'll never be some man's doll or "pretty little thing." But I make a good "partner" to have around when any kind of work needs to be done.. And when problems need to be solved.

I don't want to be put in a "mold" or confined to a "cage" based on my gender...When I was born my parents didn't surround me with the color pink or dolls and play kitchen sets...They had a bat and ball and chemistry set waiting for me and a tool box..I was free to explore all areas...So I wouldn't do well with a man who expected me to play "Sally Homemaker" today...My husband felt free to be "all" he wanted to be (too) so we were a good "match."...Neither one of us wanted to be pushed into a corner and told to play out assigned roles based on our gender.

I believe in chemistry...I'm not one to leap or rush into anything but if I feel a certain chemistry with someone I'm going to stick-around and try to learn more about them...I felt this chemistry and attraction the night I met my husband and he said he felt this same way about me too.

I asked my husband a lot of questions about his first marriage because it was all part of his history and past to me...And he enjoyed learning about my past too...Neither one of us felt jealous or threatened because we were secure in our love for each other...And neither one of us felt any desire to "go back" to anyone else...These people were just part of our past and history and earlier life...They were part of our evolution and growth-path and process...I actually enjoyed hearing about how my husband met his first wife. They met at a USO dance. And the first song they danced to was "The Duke of Earl."...Later in life they "outgrew" each other but I enjoyed hearing about their "happy years" together.. And I'm proud of the way my husband handled their "end times" and their divorce...He didn't turn bitter and angry and hateful and blame his ex for all the problems...He owned-up to the mistakes he felt he made through the years too. And tried to learn from his mistakes.

Maybe it's good to ask the women how they feel about your compliments. I'm sure a lot of women really enjoy them...I get a little uncomfortable if a lot of compliments are focused on my "looks" because I don't wrap my identity around my "looks" like some women may do...I'm used to compliments like: "You definitely know all the short-cuts around here. Good for you."...Or: "That was a great idea!" Or: "I admire your strength and stamina. You lost your husband and both your sons and you still manage to get up every morning and do what you need to do each day."...When I compliment people I tend to focus on their "strengths" and ideas and insights and their accomplishments. (Big and small.)...But this is just me! I know we're all different.

I enjoy being here too. And I've learned a lot from reading posts and interacting with others...Women deal with the "flattery stuff" more than men probably do. But it's part of dating and male/female relationships. So I thought it might be a good topic to discuss.

I think it's good to remember that we all come from different cultures. Something that we consider "being friendly" or polite may be viewed in a different light by someone from another culture...A couple of years ago my friend's husband went online to get a quote from his insurance company for me and my son...My friend's husband turned to my son and said: "What year is your pile of crap out there?" He was talking about my son's car...After we left my son asked if my friend's husband was in a bad mood or ?..Nobody had ever called his a car a "pile of crap" before or talked that way to him...I told my son that it was probably a "guy to guy" thing in my friend's husband's culture. And it was probably a sign of "closeness."...Sometimes it can take awhile to interpret and understand other people's cultures!

You're right...Some people are actual "scammers." But it's just amusement for other people. Or a personna or identity they've adopted and enjoy playing-out...I'm more of a "let's cut to the chase" kind of person...I learned to be this way with my kids. If I thought they were trying to "butter me up" I'd say something like: "Spill the beans. What do you want?"

You're right...Flatterers seem to be the ones who are passing-out attention and compliments but in reality it bring them a lot of attention and "thank you's" and compliments in return...Plus they come across as "oh-so" nice and caring...My Mom was blunt in humorous ways when people tried to "butter her up." She'd say: "Oh you're full of beans!" Or: "You must need new glasses!" She had tons of "come-back" lines.

So basically you're a defender of "excessive flattery?"...And it's hard for you to understand why someone may not like it?

I don't assume that all men or all women want the exact same things. (Or the same "treatment.").. If this was true life would be simple and easy and the divorce rate would go way down!

We're all different...I tend to be pretty low-key...I don't want or expect to be complimented on my "looks." The only exception is when I've gone the extra-mile to get dressed-up for a special event and definitely look "different" than normal.. But even then I prefer a simple compliment. (Nothing lavish or extravagant!)...I don't "market" myself based on the way I look on my "outside." My focus is more on who I am on my "inside."...So lavish compliments about my outer appearance seem odd and foreign to me...And lavish and extravagant compliments in general seem foreign to me...In my family we tend to say "good job" or "good idea" and keep things simple...We don't hold back on praise or compliments when we feel they are deserved. But I guess we're just low-key versus "grandiose" or ? Anyway we're all different. (That's for sure!)

Great post! And I'm not just trying to "butter you up" either!..You're right...I was talking about manipulation tactics in general..Recently another widow befriended me in the grief section of another forum and she "went crazy" complimenting me on and off the forum...I asked her to stop many times because it was just "too much" for me and I felt embarrassed...She keeps choosing a new "best friend" of the month and "pumps" each new friend "way up" and puts them on a pedestal...The trouble is that she gets bored pretty fast and keeps moving on to "score" with someone "new!"...I guess this is what "one-night stands" are all about...No one wants to stick-around to have a "real relationship!" It's all about the "art of seduction!" What do you think?

AthenaRose...My first husband (way back when) went "all out" to hold on to me when our divorce was in the "works."...This would have been great if I felt his intentions were sincere. But I had a chance to get to know him pretty well through the years and he relied on his so-called "charm" and manipulation tactics when all else "failed." So I didn't "buy" any of it or get "sucked" back "in."...We had kids together and through the years we developed a "truce" and became friends. (We had a brother/sister or cousin type of relationship since we were both "only children" who didn't come from large families.)...Anyway my first husband came to holidays at my parent's house along with my "new" husband. (They became friends.)...And we always spent Christmas Eve at my first MIL's house every year...My first husband's Mom treated my "new husband" like her beloved nephew...This set a good example for my sons. And they had a chance to know and love and enjoy 2 Dads!

I agree....There are "two sides" to every coin..I think it's probably easier to manipulate people with low self-esteem who are "needy" and vulnerable. Don't you?...My younger son had a lot of health issues starting when he was small. So he lived more of a "sheltered life."...When he finally went on dates (a little later in life) he was a bit naive...I had to give him a "crash-course" about women and possible manipulation tactics. He had a tendency to take everyone at "face value" at first...It was sad to "burst" his "bubble" but I just wanted him to be a little wiser and more "savvy" so no one would take advantage of him.

Will respond to questions one by one...I've never had much luck going back to an "ex" or trying to start over...But I've stayed friends with some of the men I was involved with in the past..And through the years I worked to "heal" any "bad feelings" I had when the relationships ended...I don't like to carry around a lot of "old baggage" or grudges..I don't want anger or hate from the past to "eat me alive" or turn me into a "vigilante" or "terrorist" today. (Where I'm out for "blood" and ready to "do battle!" And eager to "take revenge" against anyone who just happens to be a member of the opposite sex!)

I tend to be suspicious of men or women who "lay it on thick" and shower me with compliments right off the bat..Or people who express a great deal of interest in me (and what I say) when it just doesn't seem totally "real" or sincere...I don't want to be an "easy mark!".. Some people are "brown-nosers" and they rely on manipulation tactics to "get ahead" or "gain favors." (Or get attention etc.)...Have you noticed this?...They are "salespeople" in disguise! But what happens after they get their "sale?" Will they still act the same way? Or will they grow bored and look for someone new to "butter-up" and impress?

Some men (and women) may not cry or express their vulnerable feelings in open ways...But they make it okay to "gripe" or complain...Or they use sarcasm or "snide-remarks" to express some of their feelings...Getting angry (and defensive) and taking a belittling tone seems safer than talking about "feeling hurt." (To some people.)....I had quite a few "macho women" in my family who relied on sarcasm. It was rare for them to admit to "feeling hurt." (Because they didn't want to be viewed as "sissies" or "softies.")...Channeling everything through anger or "snippets" or "gripes" or cynicism doesn't seem as threatening compared to saying: "I feel hurt. Or I feel sad" etc.

The word "serious" can probably be a turn-off...If I was ready to date and meet someone new I might pass-over a man who used the term "serious" (a lot) in his profile...Hearing "serious" brings back memories of being in school again...Being told to be a "serious student." And when I hear "serious" I think "strict." Or "somber."...I think about having to adhere to rules and regulations...Being controlled or "pigeon-holded" and told what to "do."...I understand that a lot of people "play games." And some people might be after "casual affairs" etc...So maybe it's a good idea to "spell-out" what we want. (And don't want etc.)...But still if a man used the term "serious" a lot in his profile or talked about definitely aiming (and intending) to get married (or get married again) I'd probably pass him up...I have no idea what the future might hold in store for me right now. So I wouldn't want to disappoint a man who was definitely "shopping" for a wife or a "serious relationship" right now...I don't want to do "affairs." But I don't want to think in terms of marriage right now either. Maybe just a relaxed and casual (and fun) "play-it-by-ear" friendship with no pressure for "more."