Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.


My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.


As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.


And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:

Devil: Hey, whatcha lookin so down for?

Man: If you died and went to Hell, you’d be feeling down too!

Devil: Hell ain’t what you think it is. It’s fun down here.
Say, do you drink?

Man: Sure, I love to drink.
Why?

Devil: Well, you”re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka, all the booze you wanna drink. We drink til we puke and then we drink some more.


Man: Ah, that sounds great.


Devil: Do you smoke?

Man: Damn right I do.


Devil: Cool! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don't have to worry about getting cancer because you're already dead already, haha.


Man: No ****!

Devil: You like gambling?

Man: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, hold-em, a dog track, horse racing, you name it we got it.


Devil: You like to get stoned?

Man: I love getting stoned! You mean…

Devil: That's right man, because on Thursdays, it’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don't have to worry about overdosing because you're already dead already.


Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?

Man: Uh, no.


Devil: Oooh...

You’re gonna hate Fridays...

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job”.


The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.


You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.


The guy says, “You’re bull****ting me!”

The social worker says, “Yeah, well, you started it.”

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.


When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.
"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle...".




...The old woman fainted.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he ****s the bed.


The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

lol thanks

thanks for standing up for me lol you rock

u didnt actually look then bc I AM smiling lol 2 of them are serious and the last is a big ole smile

lemme kno what u think!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.


"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

nah...he was just lookin for a laugh lol and seeing the kinds of answers people would come up with hahaha he doesnt seriously want it to be honest it was just for a laugh

no pay lol just the pleasure of his very special company hahahaha

LOL my bestfriend just made that freakin thing hahaha I laughed so hard when I read it I figured I had to post it for you all to see hahaha he posted it to a site hes on and is just looking for someone with a sense of humor to reply to it

1. Full name (You want me to know right now)
2. Age
3. Height
3a. Is it in proportion to a medically acceptable body weight? (Y/N)
4. Eye color
5. Natural hair color
6. Current hair color
7. Have you ever had a sex change?

CONTACT INFORMATION
8. City of Residence
9. Best Contact Phone Number
10. Cell Phone (if different than above)
11. Open to text messages (Y/N)
12. AIM:
13. Email:

FEW WORD ANSWERS
14. Do you have any siblings?
15. What is your religion?
16. What is your political persuasion?
17. Do you have a history of mental illness?
18. Have you ever cheated on a partner?
19. How many piercings (not including ears) do you have?
20. How many tattoos do you have?


MULTIPLE CHOICE Answer the most fitting answer

21. Do you currently have a source of income?
A. Parents, I'm going to school and they help
B. Parents, I'm a trustafarian.
C. I'm unemployed and waiting for my gov't check
D. I got a job til I find a career.
E. I got something pays my bills.
F. I got something that pays my bar tab.

22. Furthest level of education?
A. I dun dropped out of skool.

B. I learned enough to make a living.
C. I went to college and I still work at a gas station.
D. I'm actively furthering my education.

23. What kind of car do you drive?
A. I prefer people power (walk/ ride bike/ rollerskate)
B. I take the bus
C. It gets me to where I need to get to.
D. It gets others out of the mud and snow drifts

24. How many past sexual partners have you had?
A. None
B. Very Select Number
C. A number I personally find acceptable
D. Unacceptable amount

25. Do you smoke? (please choose from following)
NO
A. NEVER EVER EVER!!
B. No/ Not anymore
C. Seldom
YES
D. Only when I drink
E. About one or two a day
F. +5 a day

26. Do you drink? (Please choose from the following)
NO
A. NEVER EVER EVER!!
B. No/ Not anymore
C. VERY Seldom
YES
D. Only at Sunday dinner
E. Just a couple when I pop down to the pub.
F. I get tipsy weekly
G. I get drunk monthly
H. Only on days that end with "Y"

27. Do you have kids?
A. Never Ever Ever
B. Not yet but maybe
C. Yes, they live with me most always
D. Yes, they live elsewhere sometimes
E. Yes, they live elsewhere most always

28. Do you workout?
NO
A. NEVER EVER EVER!!
B. Walking to fridge, tires me
C. I do progressively easier 12ounce curls
D. I just try to eat healthy and avoid exercise
YES
E. Jumping to conclusions, running my mouth, and backstabbing while climbing the corporate ladder is enough for me.
F. Once a month
G. Once a week
H. A few times a week
I. Daily

29. What kind of sense of humor do you have? (Choose ALL that apply)
A. Baby's doing baby stuff.
B. A picture of a cat and a garbled mispelled phrase
C. Knock knock...
D. Knock knock.... Someone just got hit in the balls
E. Knock knock... That's the sound Knoxville's balls made when he got tasered.
F. I like a witty turn of phrase
G. A man walks into a bar....
H. A Kike, A Spic and a Dothead walk into a bar
I. A dead baby walks into a bar....

30. Whom do you currently reside with?
A. By Myself
B. With the parents/ parent types
C. With a roommate or two
D. My kids.
E. My cat army

31. Do you cook?
A. I burn water
B. I stop at toast and coffee
C. Frozen Dinners
D. I can pair my EZ Mac with some Tuna Helper
E. I can follow a simple recipe
F. I can take raw veggies and meat scraps to make a tasty stew
G. The Iron Chef has me on speed dial.

SHORT ANSWER (CHOOSE 2)
32. Favorite book & subject matter?

33. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?


34. Do you have any irrational fears? How irrational?

35. What is your current favorite movie of all time?

36. List your favorite few genres of music:


SHORT ESSAY (Please do ALL)
37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or more?


38. Explain why I should pick you as my partner:

39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position:

40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me?

RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent.
Duration:
Were you in love?
Reason for breakup:

Duration:
Were you in love?
Reason for breakup:

Duration:
Were you in love?
Reason for breakup:

CERTIFICATION
I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.

Date Applicant Signature

Do not write below this line, this area will be used to take notes when conducting interviews.
_____________________________________________________________

water loves the attention! ::

Im not gonna lie...I have a hard time dating a guy who is shorter than me...it just doesnt feel right...I enjoy being able to look him in the face or look up at him...its a protective thing I like...knowing someone is bigger than me and can take care of me. Girly I know lol but I cant help it!

aww hi hunny! Im good...yourself???

hahaha ok ok...sounds good

aww Lex...you wouldn't even consider marrying me??

aww lol sounds like that could be fun hahaha