Kermit the Frog just died of Swine Flu...his last words? That f*ucking pig told me she was clean!!!



hahahahha Just got that text and it cracked me up!

just wanted to say g'night minglers...dont do anything I wouldnt!!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.

He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law.

did anyone else get to see this flick?? super funny and made me fall in love with Jim all over again! If you havent seen it I recommend it big time.

cant do it lol He knows who he is tho so thats all that matters

one man has stolen my gaze since the first time I was on this site over a year ago...hes def got my crush vote its still gonna be a secret tho

I really try not too...but its sort of human nature to have a gut reaction to someone. First impressions are important

he loves them lol

lemme know what you think...also a few new pics come by and say hi

come check em out...my primary and the last 2 or 3 are the new ones! lemme kno what you think!

A small zoo in a Redneck village acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.


The zookeeper approaches a janitor with a proposition.
"Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?"

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.


"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.


"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.


The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.


"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.


Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on it's head."

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. "Dey makes you wild at sex.
"

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.


The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.


The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!"

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring hard at her.

When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”
The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had the fantasy of having a nun give me a blow job.”

She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. First, you have to be single, and second you have to be Catholic.”
Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”

The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alleyway over there.”
The cab driver pulled into the alleyway and the nun went to it. Soon after the nun was finished, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”

He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned.
I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”

The nun replied, “That’s okay.
My name’s Jeff and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist."

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw.
I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far.
When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”

Long but well worth it!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.


One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM.
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well…"

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question.
Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well…"

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian.
Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…"

DJ: "Uh huh…"

Brian: "…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is her."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo… do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)..
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright.
When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question.
How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well…"
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: "Ummm...................Up the ass…"


After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.”

Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”

“Bull****," says the girl.


“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”

“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”