An English guy is having a continental breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam)when a Scotsman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Scot who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Scot "You English folk eat the whole bread?"
English guy (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Scot: (after blowing a huge bubble)
"We don't.In Scotland, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England."
The 'Jock' has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Scot persists:
"D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Englishman: "Of course."
Jock (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling):
"We don't. In Scotland we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to England."
The English guy wipes his lips with his napkin, then asks:
"Do you have sex in Scotland?"
Scotsman: "Why of course we do",
the Jock says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Scotsman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Scotland."

Jajajajaja so funny!!!!!! LoL

Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean?
They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad.

Do I detect a disgruntled Scotsman?

From http://www.fionasplace.net/irishjokes/englishmanjokes.html

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

Never ask a foreigner where he is from. If he is not English, he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?

Have you heard about the Englishman who thought the world's most famous inventor was an Irishman called Pat Pending?

To be fair to the English, American humour does tend to rely on references that you are unlikely to get if you're not an American.

And I'm guessing that an American wrote that joke about Scots eating fresh fruit for breakfast. As if that's going to happen.

NEVER EVER expect a Scotsman to offer to buy you a drink
I USED to live 2 miles from the Scottish border, and knew a Scots guy who actually had a combination padlock on his wallet.

(Shame Hadrians wall wasn't preserved and built 30 feet higher)

On arrival at Glasgow airport, the passengers recieved the following announcement.


'Ladies an Gentleman, we have landed at Glasgow Airport.
Passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years!!!!'


To TawtStrat.

The gag about the fresh fruit breakfast first surfaced in the early 1980s in a show by the English comedian Jasper Carrot when he was heckled by a Scottish audience member.

Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The third Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'

He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'
To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'
The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'

The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'


[From http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_englishman_irishman.htm ]

SCOTLAND

Where the men are men and the sheep look nervous.

Why are Scotsmen fond of playing the bagpipes?

Answer: Because playing the bagpipes is guaranteed way to drive away Englishmen and other vermin.

[Courtesy of Mingle2 member HUST91]

TYPICAL. Scottish.
Violence is their only solution to almost every confrontation.

Typical Englishman. Doesn't know the difference between Scotsmen and a group of Scandinavians.

In the above cartoon, the three guys on the right represent Denmark, Sweden and Norway, and they are wearing Viking helmets.

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.
As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.

The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time.

Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

[From http://www.bikersweb.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=5861]

Scotsman 1 and Englishman 1

There. I corrected it for you.

Of course I know the difference between Scandinavians and Scots.

ONLY A Scot would be too cowardly to post an actual pic of a Scotsman posting such childish drivel.!!!!!
No score update required. It's not contest anyway.

Of course it isn't a contest. Since when can an Englishman compete against a Scotsman?

Englishmen don't need to compete against Scotsmen.
We have Nothing to prove.
We don't need to brag or harp on about it.
We ARE better.
PERIOD!!!