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Community > Posts By > mountainwatergirl
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
Edited by
mountainwatergirl
on
Tue 02/12/13 10:48 AM
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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I think it should raise a flag but the person could still be a nice person just not sure what they want in life. 
Yes, but usually intelligent people don't get married twice because they don't know what they want in life. |
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Topic:
How many kids is too many?
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All kids isn't the point. Like I said, I have a very well mannered teenager in my home. His mama doesn't live here. We be two bachelors. I did have another one here a few years back. That's when the wife and I were together. The little basterd was a rebellious prick. Dishonored me, my wife, and the neighbors. I sent his a$$ down da road. The wife chose to go with him. She came back a month later without the POS. I love being a Grandpa. I can always give the kids back to the parents. My point is...you speak ill of some children...whether they are well behaved or not....they are still someone's children. I wouldn't have anything to do with a man that speaks about children like that. There are good reasons some children behave the way they do...and it's usually the parents that are lacking something they need...last thing these children need, is a man that isn't their father, behaving towards them the way you did. "The wife" ought to be ashamed of herself. |
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I like friends from both genders And i would hate to think i am too shallow and one track minded To have friendships with women as well Friendship should come with HOPE but not EXPECTATION in my opinion And though i have been disappointed once or twice if i find a "Friend" i am attracted to does not return the same attraction for me I value that friendship MORE than some urge to have a physical relationship ruin it for us I don't ever want to go where i am "NOT wanted" 
KiK There is MUCH to be said for "No means No" or "I just don't feel that way for you" Real friends should be able to SAY so and still remain friends JMHO
....but you did say you were attracted....and hoping. Exactly. |
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I will bet my pay that my male friends would say the same thing. Not every man thinks with his penis and bottom line not all men are attracted to all women; so there is certainly room for frienship. Karielteone nailed it when he said it was a small percent that was surveyed out of the billions on this planet. I'm not talking about you and your friends. I'm talking about men and women in general. Generally speaking, men and woman cannot be true friends because one is secretly sexually attracted to the other. I guess it depends on the maturity of men and women in general. They work together in regular jobs, cops, firefighters, military, etc and they become friends with no hidden agenda. i guess i'm not very mature, because i'm only friends with women that i'm attracted to, even tho i know nothing will ever come of it... kind of like  ... stupid, i know, but it is what it is
Really? I have a friend of mine that I have known for 33 years and there has never been an attraction between us as we just served together in the military. I have another friend who lives a few blocks from me that I have known for 16 years who is 15 years younger than me and we became friends from a Sci Fi club. He likes women his age so I know there is no attraction between us. I am dear friends with a guy and his wife but there is not attraction as he is married and he loves his wife dearly. I guess I am fortunate that my male friends and I have a friendship that goes beyond a sexual attraction. I will accept anyone as a friend and I don't have to be attracted to them; as we can just share a general interest. Oh well; to each his/her own. how do you know whats on his mind? 
We do this amazing thing called talking. This discussion came up and though he thinks I am great as "one of the boys", he could never have romantic feelings towards me. I just saw him and his wife a couple years ago as they visited me here in Calgary. Navy, I don't think this is the type of friendship that is meant in this post. I think maybe, what is being referred to is a friendship where they see each other on a regular basis, and do stuff together a lot. Call each other, share with each other... this closeness. I have a friend of mine that lives a block and 1/2 away from me. We just went for lunch on Saturday and we call each other at least 2 to 3 times a week. We camp and go on local trips together. Is this the type of friendship you are talking about? He still has no romantic feelings for me as he prefers women his own age. Our age difference is 15 years apart. How about friends with my co-workers? I see them 40 hours a week and sometimes we will have lunch or even drinks after work together. Still; they are not attracted to me other than a co-worker. The topic says men and women can't be friends. As one poster brilliantly put; there are different levels of friendships but they are none the less friendships. Great! Sounds wonderful. But, how do you know he doesn't want you sexually? That's just it... they don't say. So you will not know it. |
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Topic:
How many kids is too many?
Edited by
mountainwatergirl
on
Tue 02/12/13 09:45 AM
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I won't date men that seem to be put off by children, no matter what the number. It's instinctive automatic reaction for me. If he doesn't care for all children, he's not an option, and I don't want anything to do with him.
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I will bet my pay that my male friends would say the same thing. Not every man thinks with his penis and bottom line not all men are attracted to all women; so there is certainly room for frienship. Karielteone nailed it when he said it was a small percent that was surveyed out of the billions on this planet. I'm not talking about you and your friends. I'm talking about men and women in general. Generally speaking, men and woman cannot be true friends because one is secretly sexually attracted to the other. I guess it depends on the maturity of men and women in general. They work together in regular jobs, cops, firefighters, military, etc and they become friends with no hidden agenda. i guess i'm not very mature, because i'm only friends with women that i'm attracted to, even tho i know nothing will ever come of it... kind of like ... stupid, i know, but it is what it is
Really? I have a friend of mine that I have known for 33 years and there has never been an attraction between us as we just served together in the military. I have another friend who lives a few blocks from me that I have known for 16 years who is 15 years younger than me and we became friends from a Sci Fi club. He likes women his age so I know there is no attraction between us. I am dear friends with a guy and his wife but there is not attraction as he is married and he loves his wife dearly. I guess I am fortunate that my male friends and I have a friendship that goes beyond a sexual attraction. I will accept anyone as a friend and I don't have to be attracted to them; as we can just share a general interest. Oh well; to each his/her own. how do you know whats on his mind?
We do this amazing thing called talking. This discussion came up and though he thinks I am great as "one of the boys", he could never have romantic feelings towards me. I just saw him and his wife a couple years ago as they visited me here in Calgary. Navy, I don't think this is the type of friendship that is meant in this post. I think maybe, what is being referred to is a friendship where they see each other on a regular basis, and do stuff together a lot. Call each other, share with each other... this closeness. |
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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What do you think of a potential date that has been married more than once and is single again? Does that raise questions of why that may be? You would have to inquire about the reasons that the marriages ended. A person could simply be an escapee from bad situations. For example, I have been married more than once. Wife #1 kept a boyfriend on the side after she married me. She was with him whenever I was at work. Wife #2 was dangerous to me both physically and legally. I still have the scar that she placed on my left arm. Her next husband wasn't so lucky. She shot him. Wife #3 died. none were mad at you about eating their cats?? They didn't have cats. 
Cat. the other white meat. This gal has one big puss Any "cat" would look huge next to an 11 year old. I don't appreciate your choice of words for that feline. Watch your language out of respect for the ladies please. |
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Edited by
mountainwatergirl
on
Tue 02/12/13 07:07 AM
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Here's the evidence. Men and women cannot be just friends. http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends&page=2 Well look here... something I can agree with. I have 5 brothers... generally, men dont keep women friends unless shes sexually attractive, and he thinks he might have a shot sometime. Ive met few exceptions. Women however, generally have no problems being just friends, because they arent aware of men's intentions... or wont believe it. I'm ganna get it for this one 
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Women know that men generally find long hair attractive on a woman. Yet, many women cut their hair short. Why? Is it a conscious choice on your part to become less attractive? Do you think looking good is just too much work and not worth the payoff? To just answer your question ... yes. she's cut her hair because she no longer cares what you want. its become about her. |
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My focus is on making myself happy and being who I want to be...I'm in my sixties now and every now and then I run into "senior women" who wonder why I still have long hair...I keep my hair long because it makes me happy...I don't live my life to "please" men or other women...I had to wear a uniform and "conform" when I was a kid and went to Catholic schools. That was enough "conformity" for me!...I don't want to be a clone or carbon-copy of everyone else! My hair and my body and my mind belongs to me!.. I am not on earth to "please" others or "be" who someone else thinks (or expects) me to "be." 
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some women actaully look very nice with shorter hair and like to style it. Personally I think short hair is too high maintenance. but most of us have outgrown the gene evolution that says we must look nice for men. We look nice for ourselves so it's about time that men outgrow the likes long hair gene seems, once againm a little high school....jmho also perhaps (probably) some of us are interested in men who care more about what we are like on the inside So, if men don't like it, forget men. The problem with it is that we don't out grow our genetic programming for a very long time. Like thousands of years. The reality is that men are generally attracted to certain physical characteristics. Long hair, a hip to waist ratio of 1 to 0.7, firm breasts, clear eyes, blemish free skin. Your philosophy on this matter equals ideology over reality. You seem to think you can attract a man no matter how ugly you make yourself. But, are the men you attract the kind you'd want to get involved with? I know a woman. She's smart, funny, socially gregarious and has a good job. But, she also weighs almost 400 pounds. She can't get a man to sleep with her unless she pays him. Now, is this the fault of men? I know some very good looking men that are dating and even married to what most men would find very unattractive in looks and weight. Beauty to them truly is in the eye of the beholder as they accept these women for their personalities and not the looks. Not every man is that shallow. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule. But, that doesn't mean the rule is untrue as a whole. I'm not talking about the people you know. I'm talking GENERALLY. An attractive looking woman is simply going to have more options when it comes to men than an unattractive one. It's not shallow of men to prefer a healthy woman over an unhealthy one. All the things men find attractive in women's looks are indicators of good health. GENERALLY, women also look for certain characteristics in men. A thick head of hair can be pretty important to a girl to run her fingers through and shows his health. Why do some men not have hair at all sometimes? Or even just getting thin, and receding?? still attractive? I love long hair on men. Lots of women do. Why dont you have long hair? Probably the same reason some women chose not to. So much for hair. |
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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It's fairly simple. You say that you have been treated badly by men and you talk about that a lot. I've dated a bunch of women like that and it never went well. I tried, believe me but I had my heart stomped all over by women that put themselves out there on the dating scene when they hadn't got over past relationships and weren't ready for a new one. I'm tired of being the rebound guy that women lead on and mess about. Yes yes, but you are missing my points in posting things. I've asked a lot of questions Tawt. I didn't start posts to share. I've only added real information a couple of times to get things back on track so I can read better responses than what was here. And, you are too old to NOT be a rebound man... everyone is a rebound person to someone. correct? How long do you wait after a crappy relationship to date again? Everyone will have their own answer. So at some point, we are all rebounding. Unless there is some cut off point in time that you are not rebounding and ready to have another relationship. lol Well, it would be nice if they would wait until they weren't still in love with someone else for a start. It's just so hard to tell but if they are slagging off their ex and saying that it's over they are quite likely to just be "on a break" or still hung up on them. Of course I expect any woman that I meet to have been in relationships before. If they say that there last longterm relationship was years ago then fine, they are probably ready for a new relationship. If they are "seperated" or going through a divorce I'm not so sure. Believe me, I've never let red flags put me off in the past. I dated women knowing that they had some serious issues and I just tried to be the nice supportive guy. I can't afford to be picky and I don't "wait to date again" as if I can just click my fingers and get women to go out with me whenever I want. I just find it difficult because I do fall for women quite easily and I'm an easy mark with my broken heart. I don't jump from relationship to relationship though. It was three years since my last relationship and I didn't put myself back on the dating scene until only a few months ago. If I date anybody I do it because I want a longterm relationship and not just a fling. I've had enough of those and I don't need any more notches on my bed post. Well good for you. I'm glad to read there's some decency out here. thanks for sharing that. It tells me things and shows me the contrast i need to become different. Because thats what I'm really after here. What I've been thinking/doing isnt working. So I need to do something else. But not unless its an improvement. To me, ignoring red flags regarding marriages is dangerous. As trust issues can be red flags to others. I dont bother a person for having trust issues. I fully understand it and have made accommodation to make it easier to deal with. I dont mind. I actually think they're smart to question and not be blind deaf and dumb to it. I'm no longer a person that gives all the benefit of the doubt. Not with everything. That too, is dangerous to me. Im more comfortable going with "the usual". What is usually the case more often then not. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, I'm going to expect a duck. Lol so when I hear of 2 or more marriages, I'm careful because to me thats a sign of no commitment type. Unless of course it wasnt their fault, like a death, or what have you. So i need to know. Other posters are saying thats dredging up someone's past. I say too bad I need that info it sort of matters.lol I guess everyone has their meaning of red flags for crying in the night. I've known it to be a bad sign...keep on your guard...a person gets a few red flags in my world before I see problems. I'm not quick to judge. But big red flag for me with multiple marriages, AND the guy doesnt want to share why? Yikes. |
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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for me, yes. of course i understand there could be any number of reasons for this, such as bad choices, inability to truly commit or they simply may not be 'marriage' material. although it wouldn't keep me from going out with someone, it might have me paying more attention to deficiencies. possilby but "deficienies" perhaps you mean compatibilties? I see a man who is in his 40s or above who has never been married as a red flag.... most of us who are beyond our 20s-mid to 30s or so have some degree of baggage, but I am not sure that I would say that is a deficiency. To me a man who has been married more than once has at least the jones to put himself out there...he just needs to be more careful (and I 'd say the same for a woman in those shoes)...jmho Someone has to have been married to have put themselves out there? Interesting. To me it shows a willingness to try and make a commitment. If they later break apart, well, there are various reasons for that. What about those who rush into marriage and get divorced soon after? What does that say about their commitment they were willing to make? Sometimes people leap before looking, my first marriage we were too young so I experienced how that goes. Ah, ok. I just think it's strange how some believe that marriage automatically means the person is willing to commit, no matter how long the marriage has lasted. And a person who has not been married can't commit. I've often wondered that myself. Somebody who's never made a promise, or somebody who's made a few and broken them.... I think Society looks more down on those of us who have never married. I was hoping you'd come back. Cause I find this very interesting. I personally, would never assume anything bad about someone that never married. I would be IMPRESSED! lol To me, that is a very strong message of independence, ambition, strength, and wisdom. It also shows this person takes marriage very seriously as to not marry everyone they date, and end it if it doesn't work out. When I hear of a person not ever marrying, they have concentrated on their careers or even a single parent situation, and that is to be respected. Of course I'd have to leave my mind open in case I'm ignorant to something dangerous in it. But I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that no one had ever wanted to marry them. Cheers to you Navygirl. And others like you. |
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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It's fairly simple. You say that you have been treated badly by men and you talk about that a lot. I've dated a bunch of women like that and it never went well. I tried, believe me but I had my heart stomped all over by women that put themselves out there on the dating scene when they hadn't got over past relationships and weren't ready for a new one. I'm tired of being the rebound guy that women lead on and mess about. Yes yes, but you are missing my points in posting things. I've asked a lot of questions Tawt. I didn't start posts to share. I've only added real information a couple of times to get things back on track so I can read better responses than what was here. And, you are too old to NOT be a rebound man... everyone is a rebound person to someone. correct? How long do you wait after a crappy relationship to date again? Everyone will have their own answer. So at some point, we are all rebounding. Unless there is some cut off point in time that you are not rebounding and ready to have another relationship. lol |
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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I don't think being married twice or more is a red flag. It just means that they had two or more marriages that didn't work out. What if one was with a really good con artist? ... and the other one died? Failure of a marriage can come from many reasons and none of us is perfect. Of course. Maybe you don't understand what red flag means either. Here is the Urban definition: A sign or warning of any impending danger, disaster or doom. Of course there could be totally legit, innocent reasons for many marriages. Still...odds are, two failed marriages...and he's out looking for another woman??? Red flag. It's a warning that a dangerous reason for this is possible. It should at least be considered. Or I guess you could just squeeze your eyes shut really, really tight...and maybe you and Mr. Married twice before you will ride into the sunset on your unicorn. I know perfectly well what a red flag is. I also know that if you go into a relationship looking for trouble, you will surely find it. Someone who is overly suspicious is a big red flag. Someone who is around forty and and never been married is a GIANT red flag. Someone who has obviously built walls and has a ton of baggage is more than a red flag... it is a sign saying "turn around and go the opposite direction!". A couple of marriages? ... look into the heart of the person, listen to their story, and then give the benefit of the doubt. People mature. I also know people who have had failed relationships who found the right person and have super relationships. Your post sounds very bitter. My post may sound bitter...but yours sounds ignorant. tit for a tat. How do you like that? lol Who told you that if you go into a relationship looking for trouble you will find it??? Have you NEVER met genuinely good and honest people before??? No... if you looked into my life trying to find trouble...you would not find it. There isn't any trouble there. None. So this is what I expect in return. What's wrong with that? Who said I was never married? Another all assuming person. Nice.....my favorite! NOT! lmao 
So a woman that has been betrayed dozens of times by bad men, so now she has trust issues is a person to run away from??? hmmmm... not to me. I'd actually feel bad for that person not hand them more bs responsibility of her past nightmare relationship.... like your post. Like I said prior to your post, I am not looking for a relationship. Not that I need to defend myself to someone that hasn't even read the whole thread for insight before they post their two cents. Wow! You really need to get your logic circuits worked on. I did read the thread. I made no mention of you looking for a relationship. I never assumed anything about you being married and, in fact, assumed nothing. You just put together a giant pile of negative BS based on bad reading comprehension. If you knew me at all, you would realize just how little assuming I do.
Your bitterness is showing.
You did say, "I also know that if you go into a relationship looking for trouble"???? Correct?? Like I said, this is irrelevant, as I'm not looking for a relationship. If you weren't speaking of me when saying "you" then it's hypothetical... which you didn't explain. You also said, "Someone who is overly suspicious is a big red flag. Someone who is around forty and and never been married is a GIANT red flag. Someone who has obviously built walls and has a ton of baggage is more than a red flag... it is a sign saying "turn around and go the opposite direction!"." You were not referring to me? Sure sounds targeted to me. lol and if it was...it's assumed. I also read in your post that you were mentioning things I'd already addressed in previous comments. So no, didn't seem like you read it. But whatever. Signed, Never said I wasn't bitter.
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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What do you think of a potential date that has been married more than once and is single again? Does that raise questions of why that may be? You would have to inquire about the reasons that the marriages ended. A person could simply be an escapee from bad situations. For example, I have been married more than once. Wife #1 kept a boyfriend on the side after she married me. She was with him whenever I was at work. Wife #2 was dangerous to me both physically and legally. I still have the scar that she placed on my left arm. Her next husband wasn't so lucky. She shot him. Wife #3 died. Thank you so much for posting that. That really helps me.
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
Edited by
mountainwatergirl
on
Mon 02/11/13 02:11 PM
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So is it appropriate to ask why their marriages failed? I've only gotten defensive replies. Blaming their spouse. But will you ever know the truth? Isnt marriage a promise to stay together no matter what? If not, why bother? For some title? For tax purposes? To me, thats not a reason to get married. Its not a trial basis and if you dont like it then divorce. I need to know this person didnt throw it away. I cant know that without asking. I like asking early on because I dont like wasting months on someone to wait for this info I really need asap. So, you are putting yourself out there again are you? You are asking for advice and for what it's worth, I say that you should take it slow instead of all this snooping. You asked the guy about his marriage and he blamed it on his ex. That's not good enough for you though and you don't trust men. You want absolute truth and honesty and you have stated that you would have absolutely no qualms about rifling through someone's private belongings. That's borderline stalker behaviour and it's likely to scare most men off. Taking it slow has proven to be a total waste of time. Without "snooping", I wouldve wasted tons more time on someone who was hiding deal breakers. I dont think you read my posts in the correct context. I never said I go through a man's things on the first meeting or the 20th! Lol you assume too much and get defensive for all men. Thanks for your harsh reply though... it was awesome... good to know I will be scaring away the men that hide things. Well, you were asked a straight question about whether you would go through a new lover's private stuff and you said yes and that you didn't see a problem with that, so I don't think I am reading you out of context at all and I'm not speaking for "men that hide things" or "all men". It's just my opinion that acting like that is going to cause problems in just about any relationship. I've seen enough episodes of the Jeremy Kyle show to know that relationships get into serious trouble when there's suspicion and paranoia. So, the guy has a mark on his neck and you think it's a love bite but he says it's just a shaving rash. So, you spend all your time looking for evidence of infedelity or something else he might be hiding. Is that really how you want to live your life and who do you honestly think is going to put up with being treated like that? I only say to take it slow because even an honest guy is going to be nervous about talking about his failed relationships, especially if you are pressuring him and going on about "deal breakers". What exactly would satisfy you as a reasonable explanation as to why some guy's marriage failed? If he says that it was his ex's fault then he's hiding something and if he admits that some of it was his fault then what? No thanks and goodbye? I don't mean to be harsh here but if you must insist on making everything about men being liars and cheats that's just a massive turnoff and the flags go up. You aren't ready to trust again it says. You aren't "emotionally available". However you want to put it, it doesn't sound like you are ready to move on and you would be wasting their time just as much as they would be wasting yours. Just my opinion. It makes no difference to me. I couldn't date you even if you did like me. TawtStrat, I don't blame you one bit. Who would want a woman with that kind of baggage?
So wouldn't my distrust issues/baggage be the same as some guy's baggage of being married twice? Baggage is baggage. His, mine...same. Why would someone want MY baggage? Why would someone want a person that's been married twice and all the baggage they must have? I'm not saying his baggage is worse than mine. Your post makes not sense to me at all. No, what you are saying is that baggage is baggage and yours is no worse than someone else's. You have serious trust issues though and relationships are built on trust. As other people have tried to point out to you, the difference is between someone that wants to put the past behind them and someone that is unable or unwilling to do that. By all means try to learn from your mistakes but every relationship is different. Induction is not a completely logical thought process. JSYK You never get to put your past away, if you keep starting up new. Think about that. Okay, so sorry that I refered to a screaming two year old as a brat when talking to total strangers on the internet that I have absolutely no chance of ever meeting. It becomes so clear why I'm single now. Never mind the fact that I had a three year relationship with someone that had a cheeky teenager that made fun of me and I never said a word against the girl and tried my best to be nice to her. I'm afraid that I don't fully understand that little proverb that you're asking me to ponder but I do understand your once bitten twice shy mentality. If someone wrongs me I tend to be reluctant to give them a chance to do it again. It doesn't really follow though that because one or a number of people did something I can't trust anybody. Look, whether or not you are looking for advice I take it that you post here like a lot of us because you are trying to work through your issues. I'm prepared to admit that I have problems that I need to work on if I'm ever going to meet someone and have a successful relationship. Are you or do you really believe that it was just your problem that you trusted somebody that you loved? What I am doing in this forum is very strategic I don't want to reveal. Not looking for advise. I do ask questions, to see what will be said. As for your last sentence question: I don't think you understand what can happen to a person that is deeply in love, and stabbed in the back by their lover many times. The questions, the returned brainwashing lies.... the ignored intuitions...over years and years... Is it really that hard to walk in someone else's shoes so you can see and feel what it would be like to try and get involved with someone new after that? When you see some of the very same attributes in their character? I'd have to be very bold and say I don't think but one person on this topic understood at all what it's like. You'd have to be burned pretty bad to grasp it. I don't think anyone here posting has been through it. Right, so it's a competition to see who's been through the worst relationship is it? Yes, I know what it's like to be in a relationship with a compulsive liar and I've been in an abusive relationship. Yes, I've found it hard to trust women after the things they have done to me. Yes, I understand why you feel the way you do and why you are so bitter. If you don't want advice perhaps you shouldn't start threads asking people what you should do but you do seem to be asking questions just because you want to confirm a set of opinions that you have about men and you certainly aren't displaying an open minded atitude. For sure communication and honesty is important but suspicion is a terrible thing and people (note that I'm saying people and not just women) get things into their heads all the time that are only in their heads or the result of a misunderstanding. People that communicate properly don't rush to judgement. It isn't really logical to suppose that because man A did X and then did Y man B will do Y because he did X. You say that your best friend and lover should be able to tell you the truth about anything but you are apparently talking about some guy you only just met. Is it really so hard to understand why a guy on a date might not want you trying to drag up something painful? Is it really so hard to grasp why going on about problems in previous relationships is something that a lot of people don't really want to talk about or hear about when they meet somebody new? Like I said...I posted this to see what people will say. I would only be reading what people say, and not responding. But when someone, such as yourself pipes in with the wrong impression of the gist of what I'm saying, or assuming things about me that aren't correct, I have to jump in and correct it. Most of what I say is a hypothetical situation. I haven't said much about any real situation. I have however, talked to a couple guys here that were interested in me, (even though I already told them I wasn't interested in a relationship, they still tried), and found out they were married many times, and were uncomfortable telling me why after getting comfortable with each other to do so. To me, if they are going to throw that out there, be prepared to answer to why. Thanks for your responses. |
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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So is it appropriate to ask why their marriages failed? I've only gotten defensive replies. Blaming their spouse. But will you ever know the truth? Isnt marriage a promise to stay together no matter what? If not, why bother? For some title? For tax purposes? To me, thats not a reason to get married. Its not a trial basis and if you dont like it then divorce. I need to know this person didnt throw it away. I cant know that without asking. I like asking early on because I dont like wasting months on someone to wait for this info I really need asap. So, you are putting yourself out there again are you? You are asking for advice and for what it's worth, I say that you should take it slow instead of all this snooping. You asked the guy about his marriage and he blamed it on his ex. That's not good enough for you though and you don't trust men. You want absolute truth and honesty and you have stated that you would have absolutely no qualms about rifling through someone's private belongings. That's borderline stalker behaviour and it's likely to scare most men off. Taking it slow has proven to be a total waste of time. Without "snooping", I wouldve wasted tons more time on someone who was hiding deal breakers. I dont think you read my posts in the correct context. I never said I go through a man's things on the first meeting or the 20th! Lol you assume too much and get defensive for all men. Thanks for your harsh reply though... it was awesome... good to know I will be scaring away the men that hide things. Well, you were asked a straight question about whether you would go through a new lover's private stuff and you said yes and that you didn't see a problem with that, so I don't think I am reading you out of context at all and I'm not speaking for "men that hide things" or "all men". It's just my opinion that acting like that is going to cause problems in just about any relationship. I've seen enough episodes of the Jeremy Kyle show to know that relationships get into serious trouble when there's suspicion and paranoia. So, the guy has a mark on his neck and you think it's a love bite but he says it's just a shaving rash. So, you spend all your time looking for evidence of infedelity or something else he might be hiding. Is that really how you want to live your life and who do you honestly think is going to put up with being treated like that? I only say to take it slow because even an honest guy is going to be nervous about talking about his failed relationships, especially if you are pressuring him and going on about "deal breakers". What exactly would satisfy you as a reasonable explanation as to why some guy's marriage failed? If he says that it was his ex's fault then he's hiding something and if he admits that some of it was his fault then what? No thanks and goodbye? I don't mean to be harsh here but if you must insist on making everything about men being liars and cheats that's just a massive turnoff and the flags go up. You aren't ready to trust again it says. You aren't "emotionally available". However you want to put it, it doesn't sound like you are ready to move on and you would be wasting their time just as much as they would be wasting yours. Just my opinion. It makes no difference to me. I couldn't date you even if you did like me. So wouldn't my distrust issues/baggage be the same as some guy's baggage of being married twice? Baggage is baggage. His, mine...same. Why would someone want MY baggage? Why would someone want a person that's been married twice and all the baggage they must have? I'm not saying his baggage is worse than mine. Your post makes not sense to me at all. No, what you are saying is that baggage is baggage and yours is no worse than someone else's. You have serious trust issues though and relationships are built on trust. As other people have tried to point out to you, the difference is between someone that wants to put the past behind them and someone that is unable or unwilling to do that. By all means try to learn from your mistakes but every relationship is different. Induction is not a completely logical thought process. JSYK You never get to put your past away, if you keep starting up new. Think about that. Okay, so sorry that I refered to a screaming two year old as a brat when talking to total strangers on the internet that I have absolutely no chance of ever meeting. It becomes so clear why I'm single now. Never mind the fact that I had a three year relationship with someone that had a cheeky teenager that made fun of me and I never said a word against the girl and tried my best to be nice to her. I'm afraid that I don't fully understand that little proverb that you're asking me to ponder but I do understand your once bitten twice shy mentality. If someone wrongs me I tend to be reluctant to give them a chance to do it again. It doesn't really follow though that because one or a number of people did something I can't trust anybody. Look, whether or not you are looking for advice I take it that you post here like a lot of us because you are trying to work through your issues. I'm prepared to admit that I have problems that I need to work on if I'm ever going to meet someone and have a successful relationship. Are you or do you really believe that it was just your problem that you trusted somebody that you loved? What I am doing in this forum is very strategic I don't want to reveal. Not looking for advise. I do ask questions, to see what will be said. As for your last sentence question: I don't think you understand what can happen to a person that is deeply in love, and stabbed in the back by their lover many times. The questions, the returned brainwashing lies.... the ignored intuitions...over years and years... Is it really that hard to walk in someone else's shoes so you can see and feel what it would be like to try and get involved with someone new after that? When you see some of the very same attributes in their character? I'd have to be very bold and say I don't think but one person on this topic understood at all what it's like. You'd have to be burned pretty bad to grasp it. I don't think anyone here posting has been through it. |
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Topic:
Married twice... red flag?
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I don't think being married twice or more is a red flag. It just means that they had two or more marriages that didn't work out. What if one was with a really good con artist? ... and the other one died? Failure of a marriage can come from many reasons and none of us is perfect. Of course. Maybe you don't understand what red flag means either. Here is the Urban definition: A sign or warning of any impending danger, disaster or doom. Of course there could be totally legit, innocent reasons for many marriages. Still...odds are, two failed marriages...and he's out looking for another woman??? Red flag. It's a warning that a dangerous reason for this is possible. It should at least be considered. Or I guess you could just squeeze your eyes shut really, really tight...and maybe you and Mr. Married twice before you will ride into the sunset on your unicorn. I know perfectly well what a red flag is. I also know that if you go into a relationship looking for trouble, you will surely find it. Someone who is overly suspicious is a big red flag. Someone who is around forty and and never been married is a GIANT red flag. Someone who has obviously built walls and has a ton of baggage is more than a red flag... it is a sign saying "turn around and go the opposite direction!". A couple of marriages? ... look into the heart of the person, listen to their story, and then give the benefit of the doubt. People mature. I also know people who have had failed relationships who found the right person and have super relationships. Your post sounds very bitter. My post may sound bitter...but yours sounds ignorant. tit for a tat. How do you like that? lol Who told you that if you go into a relationship looking for trouble you will find it??? Have you NEVER met genuinely good and honest people before??? No... if you looked into my life trying to find trouble...you would not find it. There isn't any trouble there. None. So this is what I expect in return. What's wrong with that? Who said I was never married? Another all assuming person. Nice.....my favorite! NOT! lmao
So a woman that has been betrayed dozens of times by bad men, so now she has trust issues is a person to run away from??? hmmmm... not to me. I'd actually feel bad for that person not hand them more bs responsibility of her past nightmare relationship.... like your post. Like I said prior to your post, I am not looking for a relationship. Not that I need to defend myself to someone that hasn't even read the whole thread for insight before they post their two cents. |
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