Lawyer Buys a New Car

A lawyer bought a new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him sitting right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

DisorderS in the Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how may of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: ALL my autopsies are performed on dead people!
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Two boys stole a bag of orange and ran to the nearest cemetery to share the loot. As they were scaling the gate of the cemetery, two oranges fell and were left behind at the gate. A drunk man on his way from a local bar was passing near the cemetery gate and heard the following -One for me, One for you…He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he can to the local Pastor. Pastor James come with me and witness God and Satan are sharing corpses at the Cemetery- He said. They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voices continued- One for me One for you…Suddenly one of the voice said Let's get the two at the gate (meaning the Oranges that fell). One of the Pastor's shoes is still at the cemetery as at the time of sending this mail. Who wan die? The pastor was the first to take off

tHANK yOU sIR!
u MADE MY LIFE SO BEAUTIFUL

Solve this and get my 5 digit password...but has d following details

1. The first digit ȋ̝̊̅ڪ the square of the 2nd
2. The sum of the 2nd and 3rd digits is 10
3. the 4th digit ȋ̝̊̅ڪ the 2nd digit plus 1
4. The sum of the 5th and 3rd digit is 14
5. And finally, the sum of all the digits is 30

Am solving this myself
but dont log into my account
a=b2(square of b)
c=10-b(if b+c=10)
d=b+1
e=14-(10-b)----->(from c=10-b)
;e=14-10+b(if you multiply through be -)
e=4+b


Since a+b+c+d+e=30
therefore using the simplification above

b2+b+(10-b)+(b+1)+(4+b)=30

b2+b+10-b+b+1+4+b=30

b2+2b+10+1+4=30
b2+2b+15=30

b2+2b=30-15
b2+2b=15

b2+2b-15=0(quadratic equation)

(b-3)(b+5)=0

b=3 0r -5...we're dealing with +ve nos so -5 is ruled out so b=3

with that knowledge put b=3 back in the info

a=32=9
b=3
c is 10-3=7
d is 3+1=4
e is 4+3=7
digits are 9,3,7,4,7 tongue

If a plane crashes half way in USA and half way in
Canada where do you bury the survivors?

George is Esther's father's brother, so George is .........of Esther's father's brother.
Try n Answer that



Bonus
I'm full of holes, yet I'm full of water. What am I?

A husband is that man that u have sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of a parole while a boyfriend is one can be free from your captivity at any time.

knock knock
Anybody home?