RETIRED HUSBAND



After I

retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips

to Target. Unfortunately, like most

men;I found

shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally

unfortunate, my wife is like most women

-loves to

browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following

letter, from the local Target:





Dear Mrs.

Marcon:



Over the past

six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in

our store.We cannot

tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of

you from the store.Our

complaints against your husband, Mr. Marcon, are listed

below and are documented by our video surveillance

cameras:



1. June

15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

other people's carts when they weren't looking.



2. July

2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

5-minute intervals.







4. July

19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused

an employee to leave her assigned station, receive a

reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn

resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the

company money. We don't have a Code 3.



5.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a

bag of M&Ms on layaway.



6.

August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign

to a carpeted area.



7.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told

the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they

would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty

children obliged.



8.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he

began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people

just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.



9.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used

it as a mirror while he picked his nose.



10.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,

he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.



11.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while,

loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible'

theme.



12.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his,

'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.



13.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,

he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



15.

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where

is the fitting room?



And last, but not least:



16.

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's

no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed

out.