Dear hopeful,
If you want to attract a woman then you have to know your way around words. You say you want to spend xmas with a woman and yet you only have one word in your entire post. "Hi"
One word? There is nothing that she can garner from that.
Women like men who can write a poem, or who love animals, or who are into long term relationships that are meaningful.
Just saying "hi" will not get you very far.
Women want to know about a man and they want to know what they can look forward to. They want to know about your interests and if there will be chemistry between you and her. They also want to have an idea of the kind of personality you might have and what you might be up to on a first date. If the best you can do is merely type in the word "sex" then that pretty well negates their interest.

Wise up trudds.
Any dweeb nasty enough to parade his privates is probably not even showing off his own stuff. He probably went onto a porn site and hijacked a photo.
Tell him you know for a fact that his foot long sub actually belongs to someone else and not to bother sending his real two inch pencil as you don't have a magnifying glass to see it with

Twas the night of nuptial bliss
When our lips took their first kiss
That you made my knees real weak
Till you showed me your false teeth

But I didn't really mind
Cause your eyes were just so fine
Till you took your contacts down
Going from blue to boring brown

Not to worry I told myself
Till your fake nails hit the shelf
Leaving fingers that were stubby
Bitten down to just the nubby

But twas your eye lashes I loved
Like butterfly wings above
But you plucked them both out too,
Leaving gluey residue

Still, your figure was so sweet
Till your girdle hit your feet,
then you went from thin to fat
And I said, imagine that

So imagine my surprise,
when right before my eyes,
You showed your beautiful hair
Was a wig, to my despair

But at least you had great breasts
Till I put them to the test,
and found to my chagrin
They're now tissue in the bin.

So I soon began to squeal
Asking if any of you was real
So you told me not to fret
Since what I saw was what I'd get

Phone her and tell her you want to go out with her but that it can't be today because you're only half way through counting the four hundred and fifty grand you made today.
She'll be knocking on your door by the time you hang up the phone, trust me.

I'd ask my next door neighbor with the hour glass figure that works at hooters if she wouldn't mind going out with a guy twice her age.

carry a pair of oars to keep your head above water. Those guys really know how to row a boat, and they live next to Holland so stack up on bread and be prepared to go dutch

It looks like somebody fell down and passed out from too much booze. Can see a torso but that's about it, so it's a toss up whether you're male or female. Still, someone that goes both ways might take a liking to you.
your welcome!!!
P.S. They say you catch more flies with honey so it you put a bottle of whatever it was you were drinking into that picture, you might get a bunch of booze crazed zombies lining up for a piece of that action.

I think that some women are serial daters. They see the thousands of men all clamoring to go out with women and so they set their sights extremely high. The result? Some women end up sifting through the countless male profiles, rejecting each and every male they come across. Eventually, such women go from being 20 to 30 to 40 to 50 and never have a meaningful relationship because they don't think any of the men online meet their standards.
In the end, they remain alone.
A lot of women say they don't want to settle, but the truth is far darker. A lot of women want men that don't exist, which leaves us men moving on to women whose heads are not in the clouds.

Dear guy
You got all the chicks on here circling the wagons because you make it seem like you are unsure of yourself.
You don't need a pic. Keep the women guessing, that's what I say, and then build up your appearance so much that they'll be tripping over each other's knickers to come see you.
And try not to lavish the babes with too much drool. You make it seem like your ready to splash a bucket or two on them.
Play it cool. Be "The Man"
Strut your stuff. Don't keep talking about wanting to change everything about you.
Let the chicks know that you wear the pants and that you expect to see them without any on when you snap your fingers.
We guys gotta stick together and grovelling ain't allowed.

dear guy,
Before we take a peek at the profile I think you have to take a peek at your picture.
1. It looks like you are holding a beer. Girls don't want to go out with a guy simply because he's far too drunk to know what they really look like.
2. The camera angle is downward, meaning you are looking upward. That makes the ladies think you might be creepy in that it gives the appearance of maybe looking up a skirt. Definite no-no.
3. Finally you are showing off your bald spot. You might want to show off some fake hair just to get the ladies interested. Nothing like a long flowing lion's mane to let a woman know you're king of the jungle.
Let me know if you need more

Romantic is when he stares and gets lost in your big brown eyes as opposed to your generous cleavage.
Romantic is when he holds the door open for you and then rests his hand gently on the melon cheeks for a moment just to guide you through.
Romantic is when he tells you your shoes are out of this world, and then lets the goosebumps take an elevator ride up your arm by saying his momma would probably love you.
I know guys. You're welcome

Its always very hard breaking news to a lady that if a guy is hot for you he's taking you home that very night, not going into hiding for two weeks.
That dude is probably strutting his stuff into a multitude of babes as we speak.
Remember the golden rule, if the guy likes you then you have to pick his tongue up off the floor and toss a napkin on his lap so someone wont pitch a tent on it. And if a guy likes you he'll be taking you home and insisting he walk you passed your door to make sure you get in safe. And if he likes you he'll be marching you upstairs so he can wake you in the morning in case your alarm clock is broken. But two weeks of missing in action? Sorry to break it to you, but he's on his sixth blond by now,
Been a slice again

Dear OP,
I kinda get the sense you talked yourself out of whole point of the date, which was, that when the girl saw you, she simply wanted to get you home with blazing speed. But instead of picking up on the obvious, which was she was purposely being blank so you would catch on and find a bedroom quick.
Instead you asked her how the chicken was and if she wanted more wine, and if she was having a nice day and so on. You kind of talked yourself out of an all nighter thinking she was not a talker, when all the while she was desperate to do all the talking with her eye popping melons and dynamite legs. You wanted to talk her ear off and she was trying to talk your pants of.
You probably still got her number in those well worn pants of yours. Hand it over and us guys will take it from here
as usual, been a slice

Nothing to see here, actually. Unless you have a one foot and a bit ruler. Never bothered with fake poles cause I could never find one as long as mine, so I never saw the point.
As for keeping clothes? I never wore any. As for the chicks wearing leather and such? They always just peeled it off and kept it off whenever I was in the room. No sovenirs to keep here, I'm afraid, unless of course you count the oversized ruler.
Been a slice,

love and love making are one and the same. Sex and love are not necessarily the same. That is why a wise man will tell his girl he wants to make love to her an she will say "yes." Dumb guys say they want sex and hear "No!"

Dear messi, obviously your girl was looking over your shoulder. Nice touch

1. Open all doors for them. Don't ask me why they like this. It's not as though they were gonna walk into it if you didn't. It makes them feel important as though they are the president of some major country.
2. Tell them they have nice shoes on. Even if thy are as ratty as a rat's nether parts, just make sure you slap your own face really hard and say "Wow, those shoes are nice." That alone will get their juices percolating.
3. Ask them what they think you should order for lunch. When they ask you why you want them to suggest something, just look them straight in the eye and say, "I value your opinion." Be prepared at that point to have them start tearing your clothes off with their wild and dancing eyes, because no one ever valued their opinion before.
4. Ask them if they lost weight. Even if it's only your first date and they're just coming back from the ladies room, if you tell them they look lighter than when they went in, you're golden.
5. Ask them if they changed something about their appearance since the last date. Do this, trust me, even if you can't notice something different. Chicks are always trying to trip up us guys by changing something to see if we'll notice. Of course we didn't pay attention the first time but they don't have to know that.
6. Tell them you sometimes cry. Girls go gaga over a guy who admits he cries occasionally. It strikes a connection with them and they will think "you are sweet and sensitive." At this point you'll have one foot in their bed already.
7. Tell them you like a woman who knows how to converse. Dude, trust me, telling a woman you like to hear her go on and on will be like music to her ears and she'll be mesmerized into getting you under the sheets that much sooner.
8. Tell her you think her ex is evil and that she deserved so much better. That alone will get her to wait on you topless the next time you yawn and hint you're the kind of a guy who likes breakfast in bed.
9. Tell her, and you'll probably have to lie for this one, (just like the others)that you like doing things around the house, like cooking and cleaning and picking up after yourself. That last one is an obvious whopper but we all fib sometimes.
10. When she asks you if you'd like to watch a romantic comedy or the new avengers movie, tell her with a straight face that you don't know what the avengers are, but that romantic comedies are what you are all about.
Then prepare to be led upstairs. It will be lights out, and all she wrote. Your turn gents, go do likewise.

Married women will bore you out of your gourd with endless tales of how their soon to be ex never paid them any attention, and rarely took them out, and wouldn't listen to them whine on about working their fingers to the bone, and about how they slaved over a hot stove just so their guy could bury that meal under a bottle of no name ketchup.
Enough already. In case you women haven't noticed, us dweebs you are thinking of cheating with aren't half the man your sniveling spouse is, so suck up you snot and carry your flabby over the hill butts back to where they belong, and that is next to the flabby over the hill butts of the hubbies you spent a life time hen pecking.
We don't wanna listen to you rant and rave either. We'd rather tip toe out and bag one of them young foxes that like a guy admiring them and paying homage to their lack of whining.

For me it was when I was invited to this sexy milf's house. I was about to take off my clothes and get it on with this super hot chick for the very first time.
As I'm unbuttoning my shirt she too starts to undress.
1. She shocks my senses by first pulling out her false teeth and tossing them into a glass. They had looked real to me and now her mouth sunk inward cause she actually had no teeth of her own. But, She was super hot, so I simply let it slide and I kept undressing.
2. Next she takes off her long fluttering eyelashes and I realize she has no lashes of her own. Still, who cares about eyes when she has such spectacular breasts.
3. She turns to the side and yanks some tissue out of her blouse and then snaps of her push up bra. I now know why they call such bra push ups. Cause without them everything falls down.
4. I console myself at the saggy knee knockers but am emboldened by the silky smooth legs. Then she takes off the stockings and I am miffed that they were actually skin colored stockings to hide her varicose veins. So what if her legs look like a road map, I tell myself, and focus on her long slender fingers now wrapping themselves around Mr. Woody.
5. She suddenly starts snapping off all ten long beautiful nails, leaving only the real bitten stumpy ones.
6. No matter that her nails aren't real, I comfort myself, kissing her long sexy blond strands that would make any bimbo proud.
She yanks off her hair and tosses it like road kill onto the floor.
7. I panic and leap to my feat. "Gotta go" I blurted out, snatching my clothes and running for the door.
8. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Can't hang around babe. I don't know what you're gonna take off next."

I don't know if you guys noticed or not, but women have a lot of strange habits that make them seem more like Martians than even us guys.
First of all, have you ever noticed how every two second they are flicking their heads to the side. Either they want you to notice their long silky gorgeous curls or they were just born with an evil twitch.
Second, have you ever noticed how they seem disinterested in every thing you have to say, but the minute they start talking they accuse you of not listening, even if you are staring directly into their big brown peepers.
Third, have you ever noticed how they will wear a blouse that shows off so much cleavage that you almost pass out. I mean she's got it so that those gigantic puppies are just about dangling in your lap, then she acts all indignant and hurt and asks if you are staring at her breasts.
Fourth, have you ever noticed how they will suddenly accuse themselves out loud of being too fat by a half a pound or two, then say they couldn't possibly give you any sex because they don't feel comfortable with the way they look.
Fifth, they will tell you to leave the living room because they don't think you will like the movie they are going to watch. When you tell them they have already seen 'Shakespeare in love' thirty-one times, they will tell you the best time to see it is number thirty-two.