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| Topic: elbiB sdrawkcaB ehT | |
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elbiB sdrawkcaB ehT
In the shallows of darkness, Where the decrepit angels crawl. Is a world totally different. Designed to take the fall. The land, a pit of fire... The core, a ball of ice. The moon shone forever, The sun came only twice. Adam is cheating on Eve, Who's dawned in silky lace. Abraham is saving his son, To spit in god's face. The animals have all grown jealous, And are chasing Able around. And Cane, ever so happy, Helped to tie him down. Moses has parted the waters, To watch all the fish die, Then erased the Ten commandments, As the Devil watched from the sky. The Devil would be the All Mighty one, And God, a fearful being. Angels would all have pitchforks, And demons would fly on wings. But down there, on the planet. Things are different too. Every one is happy, A perfect world for me and you... Earth is full of peace, And no one is at war. Every one loves everyone, Pain don't exist no more. People smile at one another, A kind word, a tilt of the hat. The World is no longer angry, Different worlds... Imagine that. With Equescent thoughts... FroznChild 
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You should hire an agent
send this stuff to all the good mags real talent Aristotle said you can move the world with a big enough lever -- go for it elbiB sdrawkcaB ehT In the shallows of darkness, Where the decrepit angels crawl. Is a world totally different. Designed to take the fall. The land, a pit of fire... The core, a ball of ice. The moon shone forever, The sun came only twice. Adam is cheating on Eve, Who's dawned in silky lace. Abraham is saving his son, To spit in god's face. The animals have all grown jealous, And are chasing Able around. And Cane, ever so happy, Helped to tie him down. Moses has parted the waters, To watch all the fish die, Then erased the Ten commandments, As the Devil watched from the sky. The Devil would be the All Mighty one, And God, a fearful being. Angels would all have pitchforks, And demons would fly on wings. But down there, on the planet. Things are different too. Every one is happy, A perfect world for me and you... Earth is full of peace, And no one is at war. Every one loves everyone, Pain don't exist no more. People smile at one another, A kind word, a tilt of the hat. The World is no longer angry, Different worlds... Imagine that. With Equescent thoughts... FroznChild |
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I can tell that you truly enjoy your own writing and I bet you think it is swell. I am here to give you constructive critique if it matters. I write poetry professionally and yet there are no rules poetry must contain imagery. Yours is very shallow. Dont take this to heart because some of the best poets come from many years of trial and error. I only suggest that you work more on showing rather than the message, (whatever that is). Show me where these decrepIT angels crawl. Show me this land that is a pit of fire and so forth. You may want to check spelling before you post. Mispelled words dont hold your pen credible. I appretiate anyone who has a desire to express themselves poetically as I appreciate your attempt but I think you can do better and this is why I took the time to write to you. For example; if you are writing about a rose explain to me what every pedal looks like. Show me the thorns and their painful consequence. Describe the colors without cliches. Bring out the results from the lack of water. Showing is knowing in poetry. If this does not satisfy you then ask me to write, I will, and then I will reveal my true identity.
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You know... I could respond a lot of ways to this post...
I could point out that you made spelling mistakes in your critique as well... (That might be shallow of me) I could respond that your critique was rather insightful, and that I learned alot from your "professional" advice. Could, if I wanted to... point out that the first lines in your statement, Wed 03/12/08 09:42 PM I can tell that you truly enjoy your own writing and I bet you think it is swell. I am here to give you constructive critique if it matters. I write poetry professionally and yet there are no rules poetry must contain imagery. I might respond to this, with such: If you didn't gather any imagery by the end of the poem, then you may not know what poetry is... if you need me to explain every detail to/and for you... then, it's not really my poem. I'm not exactly writing, for what you want to see... I'm writing for what I would like you to see... But mostly, I would respond to this valuable critique... with saying, who are you, to "bulk" all your thoughts of me, and my poetry, with one poem that you have read... In fact... Despite who you are, or might be, I don't doubt, that any poem that you post, I can out write, any day of the week... no matter what poem you may choose to post. Of course, I mind no-ones' critique of my poetry... and welcome it. Say anything you want about my poetry... Say something about me, Shallow man, and be prepared to prove it. (whom ever you are) (put that in your pipe and spill it) With Equescent thoughts... FroznChild
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Thank you Forever, lol, I wouldn't know where to begin looking for an agent...
although, I do have a book I'm finished with, Just looking to publish it. |
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My, my, my, as much as you've posted on this site frozen, so amazing to me what brings out an instant critique (in your best interests of course). Shivers run up and down my spine as I wonder if there truly exists a poetic KKK?????
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My, my, my, as much as you've posted on this site frozen, so amazing to me what brings out an instant critique (in your best interests of course). Shivers run up and down my spine as I wonder if there truly exists a poetic KKK????? Lmao... a very vivid, interesting idea... poetic KKK. Maybe he felt it was shallow, because that's the third word in the first sentence. |
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well, i dont know where to start. Frozn does a wonderful job
as always with his writes. For anyone to "critique" him in that manner is just an arrogant fool. You need to read more than one to get to know the real Frozn. How dare he. I know, I know, The Batman has gotten riled here. Just can;t stand the audacity of some people.   to you frozn:  
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well, i dont know where to start. Frozn does a wonderful job as always with his writes. For anyone to "critique" him in that manner is just an arrogant fool. You need to read more than one to get to know the real Frozn. How dare he. I know, I know, The Batman has gotten riled here. Just can;t stand the audacity of some people. to you frozn: Lmao Silverwaya... Never thought I'd be buying flowers for Batman! Looks like this joker didn't get away! (just a pun, nobody get me kicked off now) So... Umm.... Ha, JRod... take that... and this, and this, and hold this... snag this for a second... just let me put this on top of that... almost done here... um... hold this, that, this... this, and that. Ok... Jrod... just keep holding that stuff for me..., and I'll be right back. |
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well, i dont know where to start. Frozn does a wonderful job as always with his writes. For anyone to "critique" him in that manner is just an arrogant fool. You need to read more than one to get to know the real Frozn. How dare he. I know, I know, The Batman has gotten riled here. Just can;t stand the audacity of some people. to you frozn: Lmao Silverwaya... Never thought I'd be buying flowers for Batman! Looks like this joker didn't get away! (just a pun, nobody get me kicked off now) So... Umm.... Ha, JRod... take that... and this, and this, and hold this... snag this for a second... just let me put this on top of that... almost done here... um... hold this, that, this... this, and that. Ok... Jrod... just keep holding that stuff for me..., and I'll be right back. Yeah watch out for the Justice League seems to be growing by leaps and bounds lmao |
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Edited by
justmenoel
on
Thu 03/13/08 07:05 AM
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I can tell that you truly enjoy your own writing and I bet you think it is swell. I am here to give you constructive critique if it matters. I write poetry professionally and yet there are no rules poetry must contain imagery. Yours is very shallow. Dont take this to heart because some of the best poets come from many years of trial and error. I only suggest that you work more on showing rather than the message, (whatever that is). Show me where these decrepIT angels crawl. Show me this land that is a pit of fire and so forth. You may want to check spelling before you post. Mispelled words dont hold your pen credible. I appretiate anyone who has a desire to express themselves poetically as I appreciate your attempt but I think you can do better and this is why I took the time to write to you. For example; if you are writing about a rose explain to me what every pedal looks like. Show me the thorns and their painful consequence. Describe the colors without cliches. Bring out the results from the lack of water. Showing is knowing in poetry. If this does not satisfy you then ask me to write, I will, and then I will reveal my true identity. the response from an unemployed angry writer i suppose |
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all writers r full of themselves in some way or another
every artist wants to be the next legend published writers feel they r more entitled to their large egos than unpublished authors, who r also egomaniacs  |
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Edited by
BonnyMiss
on
Thu 03/13/08 07:31 AM
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I can tell that you truly enjoy your own writing and I bet you think it is swell. I am here to give you constructive critique if it matters. I write poetry professionally and yet there are no rules poetry must contain imagery. Yours is very shallow. Dont take this to heart because some of the best poets come from many years of trial and error. I only suggest that you work more on showing rather than the message, (whatever that is). Show me where these (*decrepIT) angels crawl. Show me this land that is a pit of fire and so forth. You may want to check spelling before you post. (*Mispelled) words (*dont) hold your pen credible. I (*appretiate) anyone who has a desire to express themselves poetically as I appreciate your attempt but I think you can do better and this is why I took the time to write to you. For example; if you are writing about a rose explain to me what every pedal looks like. Show me the thorns and their painful consequence. Describe the colors without cliches. Bring out the results from the lack of water. Showing is knowing in poetry. If this does not satisfy you then ask me to write, I will, and then I will reveal my true identity. (*)...Just couldn't help the teacher in me and did a little editing....watch your spelling This response has made me re-post this........... Alliteration,subjugation,form and symmetry I bow not to conformity I see, I feel, I write, that is me ! I live outside the "norm" of poetry By whose "rule of thumb" do we gauge our writing by? Who has placed a "poetry" foot soldier to police any poem for that matter. The term "freedom of expression" seems to taken a back seat in your reply. You will notice sir, this forum is a very peaceful forum, we do not "slap,pinch nor critique each others work, for some it takes a lot of courage to put their words here in the open, the least we can do is give encouragement, we are not all born poets and as you've rightly said, "can only learn from our mistakes" If you would like to make use of your skills here I strongly suggest that you run some poetry classes where I know I for one will be only to willing to join you to gain some of your professional wisdom and experience. Bonny |
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You should hire an agent send this stuff to all the good mags real talent Aristotle said you can move the world with a big enough lever -- go for it elbiB sdrawkcaB ehT In the shallows of darkness, Where the decrepit angels crawl. Is a world totally different. Designed to take the fall. The land, a pit of fire... The core, a ball of ice. The moon shone forever, The sun came only twice. Adam is cheating on Eve, Who's dawned in silky lace. Abraham is saving his son, To spit in god's face. The animals have all grown jealous, And are chasing Able around. And Cane, ever so happy, Helped to tie him down. Moses has parted the waters, To watch all the fish die, Then erased the Ten commandments, As the Devil watched from the sky. The Devil would be the All Mighty one, And God, a fearful being. Angels would all have pitchforks, And demons would fly on wings. But down there, on the planet. Things are different too. Every one is happy, A perfect world for me and you... Earth is full of peace, And no one is at war. Every one loves everyone, Pain don't exist no more. People smile at one another, A kind word, a tilt of the hat. The World is no longer angry, Different worlds... Imagine that. With Equescent thoughts... FroznChild You keep writing my pretty,, For your words shine so bright,, touch so many...
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I would love to respond to each and every comment here, because each one really means so much to me...
Ya'all just overwhelm me, with, not just support for me, but support for each, and everyone of us. I genuinly, could not ask, for a tighter, stronger, group of friends... (Protect the boards) Now, it's in the hands of the Justice League... (You all really are to much, but I'm glad) |
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I can tell that you truly enjoy your own writing and I bet you think it is swell. I am here to give you constructive critique if it matters. I write poetry professionally and yet there are no rules poetry must contain imagery. Yours is very shallow. Dont take this to heart because some of the best poets come from many years of trial and error. I only suggest that you work more on showing rather than the message, (whatever that is). Show me where these (*decrepIT) angels crawl. Show me this land that is a pit of fire and so forth. You may want to check spelling before you post. (*Mispelled) words (*dont) hold your pen credible. I (*appretiate) anyone who has a desire to express themselves poetically as I appreciate your attempt but I think you can do better and this is why I took the time to write to you. For example; if you are writing about a rose explain to me what every pedal looks like. Show me the thorns and their painful consequence. Describe the colors without cliches. Bring out the results from the lack of water. Showing is knowing in poetry. If this does not satisfy you then ask me to write, I will, and then I will reveal my true identity. (*)...Just couldn't help the teacher in me and did a little editing....watch your spelling This response has made me re-post this........... Alliteration,subjugation,form and symmetry I bow not to conformity I see, I feel, I write, that is me ! I live outside the "norm" of poetry By whose "rule of thumb" do we gauge our writing by? Who has placed a "poetry" foot soldier to police any poem for that matter. The term "freedom of expression" seems to taken a back seat in your reply. You will notice sir, this forum is a very peaceful forum, we do not "slap,pinch nor critique each others work, for some it takes a lot of courage to put their words here in the open, the least we can do is give encouragement, we are not all born poets and as you've rightly said, "can only learn from our mistakes" If you would like to make use of your skills here I strongly suggest that you run some poetry classes where I know I for one will be only to willing to join you to gain some of your professional wisdom and experience. Bonny Bravo Bonnymiss very well put!!! AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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I would love to respond to each and every comment here, because each one really means so much to me... Ya'all just overwhelm me, with, not just support for me, but support for each, and everyone of us. I genuinly, could not ask, for a tighter, stronger, group of friends... (Protect the boards) Now, it's in the hands of the Justice League... (You all really are to much, but I'm glad) yeah the Justice League of Super Friends will always keep the peace lol have a great day my friend
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Well from the very start you have had a unquie way of writing that is what has made so many return to your post. Don't change for anyone be yourself and write upon the page what comes from within.
As I was told long time ago from one that did write for a living and was only here for a short time. A poet is someone that writes upon the page the words from within there heart. Those words did not have to rhyme nor did they have to be a certain style just words from the heart.  You will go a long way in life just stay as you are.
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Well from the very start you have had a unquie way of writing that is what has made so many return to your post. Don't change for anyone be yourself and write upon the page what comes from within. As I was told long time ago from one that did write for a living and was only here for a short time. A poet is someone that writes upon the page the words from within there heart. Those words did not have to rhyme nor did they have to be a certain style just words from the heart. You will go a long way in life just stay as you are. Thank you TxsGal... it seems that everyone here agrees! (always a pleasure to see you) |
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