To anyone who has ever been hurt by a church or someone claiming to be a Christ follower...please accept my sincere and deepest apologies. Try to remember that we are dealing with humans. And all humans mess up and make mistakes. And if any of you reading this are like me, we make a lot of mistakes because we try to do everything on your own. But hey even the Lone Ranger had Tonto! We need alot of grace and thankfully we can never outsin God's grace!

So I wanted to find out from everyone how they deal with baggage in relationships, because let's face it we all show up in a relationship with our own baggage. Rough home life, financial struggles, addictions, the list could go on and on. And how we deal with each others baggage in my opinion can make or break a relationship.

Now along the same line, if you are someone who goes church, has gone to church, who doesn't go to church, believes in God, doesn't believe in God...etc. We all bring our own "religious baggage" into the equation. I am wondering what are some of the differences that people have had to deal with and how they are dealing with them, or how they have dealt with them in past relationships. I mean I don't think I will ever meet someone who believes every single thing I do, down to the "T". So what are the issues? How have you worked through it, or not worked through it?

I think many of us have difficulties looking in the mirror and giving an honest assesment. And maybe we haven't sat down and figured out why we are the way we are. Maybe I'm alone with that, but lately I have been learning alot about myself. Especially things that were directly/indirectly passed on from my parents, friends, teachers, church, etc. growing up. Now that I am starting to have a good handle on "why I am the way I am" and "what makes me tick" I think I am willing to compromise when it come to baggage...weather it be personal, relational, or even religious!

Well, I can tell you that it was religious baggage that was one of the factors that caused my divorce. I have made it a point to ask about religous perspectives right in the front and explain my standing. If the person is not comfortable with that then we part. But if she can accept my devotion I will accept her standing; whatever it may be. My only hope is that in time we influence each other and eventually we end up happy in the same church. But if it looks too impossible then I won't even try the relationship. For example I don't date ladies who are Musslim or Jewish. Those are too much of a mountain to climb.

If you're down and confused
And you don't remember who you're talkin' to
Concentration slip away
Cause your baby is so far away.
Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love
Love the one you're with
Love the one you're with
Don't be angry, don't be sad,
Don't sit cryin' over good things you've had,
There's a girl right next to you
And she's just waiting for something you do.
Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove

Crosby, Stills and Nash wrote this but I think Adam had the same idea when he ran out of the garden with Eve.

My philosophy is to be aware of it without allowing it to become a controlling or overpowering factor. We have things to learn from past relationships -- painful things, to be sure, but lessons worth knowing so as not to be repeated.

My girlfriend and I will occasionally talk about past relationships, and experiences and feelings that derived from them, but we have never had a problem separating the "then" from the "now."

There are only a few "carryover" things I've found that are inevitably fatal to a relationship (for me, anyway) -- one of those is drinking. I don't get involved with anyone who drinks -- that's the kind of "baggage" I don't want to have in my life in any way, shape, or form -- and as long as I make sure that's understood from Point A, there shouldn't be a problem.



I'm an atheist, but I generally have no problem relating to people who aren't. My best friend is about as devout a Christian as you can imagine. The only time it comes up in a relationship context is if someone is intent on "converting" their partner. I won't even make an attempt to deal with anyone like that.

When I was actually looking to meet someone on line, one of the big red flags for me was any profile that said "I am looking for a good Christian man." That was indicative of a priority being placed on that person's religion, and I knew there was no point in pursuing that one, seeing as how I am not, and will never be, a "good Christian man."

But I have dated Christians and Jews, agnostics and atheists, occultists and a few whose beliefs could best be described as "situationally and arbitrarily determined" -- and it's never been a problem, because I was never pounded over the head with it. I think I've been able to identify and weed out the overzealous and the proselytizers well enough to avoid those problems.

I can just imagine Adam making up his mind. Hmmm, My choice of all the animals; A God I can't see or Eve? I think I will choose Eve.

I went to church with my x-wife every week, her family, and my son. When we had issues, the women of the church (who tend to run the church) counseled her and it got bad real fast, then they kinda blackballed my son and I. It was a bunch of hurt woman counseling a hurt relationship. When we seperated ,its amazing how the church agenda, flyers eg......followed her and stop coming to my home.....it was unbelievable and I have not and will not return to the church. I do believe though.

Chuck...I'm really sorry that happened. That's just not right. A church should be a community and it should be helping the people in/around/outside their community. It really saddens me to hear stories like yours, because I'm sure the are all to common.

You say you believe and if you do, keep searching and you will find a church(community) that is doing it the right way. One where both you and your ex-wife would have been counceled yes...but more importantly cared for...regardless of the outcome. Just remember its about a relationship with God/Jesus, not religion and not a church or denomination!

Ps I tried like heck to get her to go to counseling "independent from the church" "christian" she was too far gone ...pressured into not going, from the "church" women....I went alone. They were fake as I look back.......makes me want to vomit to this day 4 years later.

I understand how you feel about not wanting to open up totally...the sad truth is 99% of people who consider themselves believers never open up totally. No one wants to be vulnerable (might look weak or not have it all together) and we have all experienced(maybe not on the same level) being hurt by other believers and church's. We think if others only knew the "real me" we would be blacklisted. And sadly the one place where we should feel totally safe and should be the most vulnerable we can't/don't. But that's not God. That's people. Who make mistakes and bad decisions and give bad advice. And as a result hurt others. I don't think the hurt and the pain ever totally goes away, but I think we learn not everyone falls into one generalization. Not all muslims are terroists. Not all priests are child molesters. But they get a bad rap because so many have been in the wrong. Same thing applies here. Not all Christians do what was done to you. I'm not trying to make excuses for them, or get you to go to church again. My hope is that after all of that BS you are surrounded by friends and family that care about you and your son. And that you can be open with some of them. Vulnerability isn't a weakness. It's a strength. We break down, so we can be built back up...stronger and better than ever!

I do open up totally because i am true to myself and my heart and that isn t gonna change.

chuck; in lies a problem. Stereotyping church?? Can't do that. Not all churches are the same. Not now.

I am sorry that the church she went to was like it was. It was done all wrong. It sounds like a bunch of women speaking of themselves or what they were taught by a man. By that I mean the way they themselves were treated.

It should have been the both of you in a group or at least together where you two worked it out without others interests involved.

I am not an organized religion woman, but please do not hold all churches accountable for the mistakes of another.

Kat

I don t think all are like that, I am not a bitter man.....but to be honest a good church is difficult to find nowadays, I'm sorry but it is. It stems from the leaders of the church you attend too......who they appoint to be clergy......and whos butt they are kissing........and who brings in the most cash at some points I am sure. Who has the most family members eg.......I have heard horror stories at other churches, slandering eg......its not a place of equals any longer. A place of pure woship. Its like a little highschool at times but i guess its human nature. ps I met some real good, pure people also

You are absolutely correct about so many churches being self serving. The same ole clergy and so forth. All should be in use for such positions.

I would suggest opening up your heart to one that is small and claims no animosity to other religions and churches. Then grow with it.
One that does not pass judgement, nor becomes controlling. There are such churches out there.

A church should be run by the people not one. Not the same ones over and over again.

If it is not fun and uplifting...it is not going anywhere.

Kat

There lies the issue, I thought the last one was like that! deceived.

Hello Nick, welcome to JSH and thank you for posting.


I feel for the most part the things I have encountered in the
past, are in the past where they belong. I tend to look at
the challenging events, as lessons learned, and have
experienced something positive come out of them. I believe it
has helped me in my understanding and compassion for the hurts
of others.

Chuck666 - Sorry you had such an unfortunate experience at
church. I have a friend who went through a similar ordeal, so
I feel for you on that. I have just tried to be a good
listener when he feels like sharing. He did want to go to
back to church, so we prayed about it, and I am glad that we
did find a church home where he feels comfortable. He still
has a way to go, but I have faith he will get there.

Hey Niceguynickj, good topic. I feel like we all have baggage in one way or another & how we deal with it can reflect on a new relationship. So, we have to relearn the way we think. Often times, we say things within ourselves that are demeaning & focus on negatives instead of the positives. It takes 5 positives to counteract 1 negative. Let me suggest that you continue self evaluating yourself, find your strengths & build on those, deal with your past issues & if you have to, grieve them, face them then let them go. If it is past relationships, place a chair in front of you and pretend that person is sitting in that chair. Tell that chair/person how they hurt you, and what should have been done then forgive them and let it go. you'll be amazed how much this helps.
Oh, Britty,scttrbrain, LexFontyen, all have good insight on your subject..dwell on these, my friend.
T mie