I am going to be in a big custody battle and I don't quite know what to
do. My ex is pregnant with my kid, and her mother is in the middle as
well. She's about 4 months and she was talking about not giving me any
visitation of any kind and custody is something that her mother is after
and refusing me. See, she wanted an abortion so she could continue a
lifestyle of partying, and I fought her on it, but obviously, there are
no laws protecting the father's rights until after 20 weeks in Iowa. She
eventually decided not to due to my constant pleading, but she flat out
said that she only wants the child for the child support, which is
morally wrong, looking at the child as if it has a paystub attached. Her
mother said that I will not see that child no matter what I try to do,
and it is an unsafe environment for a child, because her mother has a
history of unreported violence. I would be fine with her having the
child with her if she would allow partial custody, and I would be more
than willing to cover any expenses for the child, because not only is it
a legal obligation, but I feel it is also a moral obligation as well.
Her mother stated that she will take my rights and my ex's rights as
well to adopt, and she is okay with it, but I want to fight it. I feel
that it is wrong that they are acting like this. Can anyone provide some
feedback or advice, it would be very appreciated.

talk to a lawyer cause it aint about the two of you anymore its about
that life you two created together the child needs parents
to love and prepare the child for the future to many kids suffer from
theyre parents fighting all the time its not healthy so try to put
whatever differances aside and think about whats best for the child.

yeah, that is totally fuct.

I would definately try to get her to say some of that stuff about her
only using the kid as a paycheck onto an answering machine or something.

Like Steve said if you could get proof of her wanting the kid for the
money it would be a slam dunk for you to have full custody and the ex to
get visitation in which you would get child support from her. I friend
of my brother got his ex to say that she wanted the kids just so she
would not have to pay child support and the courts gave him custody
without him wanting it. That is really looked down apon by the law as it
shows there is no love there or atleast a lack of. But the catch 22 to
this is she must know she is being taped and acknowledges it on tape.
Like when you start talking to her say I am taping this. She then can
refuse to talk. Without this it is not legal to use in court but I have
seen it used anyway.

It sounds like you are in for a rough time. Get a good lawyer and get
the money up for a fight. Sometimes this alone is enough to make the
other party back down because they do not have it or are not willing to
pay the money. Good luck and from the sound of this I would hope you are
willingg to be the single parent.

I'm a single dad. My son's mother left when he was 11 months old. She
did everything in the world to get custody after she left. Bottom line.
Get the best Attorney in town and write down everything with dates also.
The mother is really not even a factor and when it comes down to it the
judge will make the descisions. In the last 10 years or so men have made
a lot of gains in the custody issues. Best thing I can tell you. Don't
get involved in little spats with the x and the mother. Stay as ar away
from them as you can. They will only do things that will hurt there case
and you will be a better person for just being concerned over the
welfare of the child. Set up an acct. just for the child and be prepared
to prove that you are stable and capable of raising a child. I think you
will be surprised at how personal the court is and how well a judge can
read through the b.s. and do the right thing.

Jimatthebeach,

You have given the most sound personal advice (beside hiring an attorney
~ but wait until after the child is born), and I commend you on your
personal experience and insight. I have spent countless encounters with
strangers, acquaintances and friends...listening to their personal
feelings about this topic...and they all come off as petty and overly
emotional. I know ~ this is THIER child we're talking about. But the
real issue always seems to be that neither parents is getting what they
want (emotionally) from the other, and they are using the child as a
platform from which they hope to validate their feelings.

I was raised by my father's parents from age 2-1/2 because after giving
birth to three of us (my older [now deceased] sister being born
handicapped, and my younger sister being extremely premature for that
decade), the female parental unit ran off with her best friend's
husband...effectively breaking up two families. My dad and his parents
never ONCE said an unkind word against my mother, and when we kids
insisted on talking about her, they would compliment her lavendar eyes
and said she LOVED being pregnant.

Sadly, we realized as young adults that she was plagued with being
sexually molested as a child and her own mother resented her, causing
her to have many unresolved issues. Her only coping skills were
manipulation of the people in her life, so we found it hard to be close
to her, and still have no relationship with her. But we were grateful
to our dad and grandparents for not crucifying her.

After all, she WAS our mother ~ and children DO remember what one parent
says about the other's character.