Couth is a short, odd, but so apropos word. It is a word that some are quite familiar with, a word that others have heard, and just perhaps a word that others have forgotten.

In business communication, it is often taught that when you have something unpleasant to say that you do it with couth and tact. That is to say, for example, if someone is being turned down for admission to a university the first line of the letter does not read, "You have not been approved."

A much more appropriate and less boorish way to say this is something akin to, "We want to thank you for the opportunity to express our gratitude to you in the interest that you have shown us in our University.

After much contemplation of your academic record, we Regret to inform you that your application for admission to our university has not been approved at this time. Please feel free to consider us in the future for your academic needs.

Sincerely,

Unnamed University"

See how much better and more congenial that sounds than placing the denial in the very first sentence, not to mention the better karma that is generated by conducting oneself in a way that suggests manners.

The very same thing could be done in ones personal life on a dating website as well. It serves no legitimate purpose to throw shade at some person with emotions--just as everyone has--in an impulsive and careless disregard for another's feelings. That is just a small gesture that could help to make the world a better place, and as many would agree we could all use that now.

What's the question? Or am I being uncouth?

When sitting behind a keyboard in an anonymous persona, many opt for just being snarky, belligerent, and sometimes downright rude, instead of exhibiting civility or any kind of politeness.

When answering an inquiry from another site member, if it was a polite message, why not just say "I do not feel we have enough in common for me to pursue more, but I do thank you for your kind message, and I wish you luck in your search." If the message was crude or worse, that is another situation. I have found most never even bother with a response, as if the old 'no response IS a response' mentality is ok to keep from having to be courteous and send an answer. Of course, this is for the messages that were polite, and well written, not the 'let's hook up tonight' ones.

You misspelled 'couch'.

I would disagree. Especially for the internet.
As you're dealing with unknown cultures, social strata, belief systems, education levels, intelligence, etc., that there really isn't a standardized "manners."
You ever read the book "kiss, bow, or shake hands?"
What is considered "couth" for one person could easily be considered as "uncouth" by another.

"Couth" is not "apropos" to internet interaction.


I would disagree and say it serves a very legitimate purpose, online.

It's concise, to the point, and there's no possibility of miscommunication.


I mean if I was sent something as smarmy as:
"After much contemplation of your academic record, we Regret to inform you that your application for admission to our university has not been approved..."
I would write back asking for further clarification.
Because it would seem to me I was just on the point of being approved (hence the need for "much contemplation"), and to see if there was anything I could do to explain, or offset, or exculpate myself of that one little teeny tiny thing solely in my academic record that might shift their "much contemplation" from the negative.

Not to mention, at best, the more personalized or "couth" they wrote their letter the more it would trigger me to continue the dialogue. To "graciously" and with "much contemplation" respond and accept their denial.


You should also be taught to be direct, concise, and to the point. Avoiding unnecessary communication that leads to miscommunication and the need for escalating conflict resolution.


"Throwing shade" is a means of manipulating an emotional response.
Most "communication" is indirect. Facial expression, tone of voice, posture, etc. These communicate internal emotional responses for the sake of generating a response for feedback to determine future emotional responses.

Online, like dating websites, there is no indirect communication.
People attempt to make up for that lack via shortcuts like "lol," or, emoji's, or, "throwing shade."
To insert emotional communication, what's conveyed via indirect communication, into a shallow communication medium where none can really exist.

As to "no response is a response," that's been true since, at the very least, the invention of commercials.
When you're watching t.v. and a commercial comes on do you immediately start writing a letter "dear tide/t.v. station/cable company, I wish to thank you for the opportunity to express my gratitude for the interest you've shown in considering me for potentially becoming your customer..."
Or how about when you receive an email to grow your penis by 2 inches or for a nigerian prince scam? "I wish to thank you for the opportunity to express my gratitude for the interest you've shown in spamming me trying to scam me out of my money..."
Or do you just ignore it and go on with your life?

Sure, to you you're an individual special person with feelings, you're the protagonist in your life, and you have memories of your entire day and life in your head, and maybe you just want love, and kindness, and simple validation.
But to everyone else on a dating site or the internet, you're just a random email or message that popped up onto their device, interrupting life, trying to sell something to get what you want.

On the internet you aren't a work colleague. You don't have to be face to face everyday facing the same problems for the sake of your continued employment, forced to worked together.

On the internet, and especially dating sites, you're a lone traveler wandering through the woods, randomly coming across a stranger from another tribe.

So IMO there is no "couth" in relation to the internet. It is apropos of nothing here.

The best you can hope for is avoiding a TOS violation for whatever area you happen to be in, then you have to try and rely on excessive gesturing to try and get people to understand the most simple of concepts.

If I have a choice between direct or wishy washy sugar coated, I’d take direct.
It’s all a preference of how you like to receive information. I do, however, see
a distinguishment between direct and rude. Rude just let’s me know the type
of person I’m dealing with and I move on.

I'm polite to everyone until they are rude to me and then I'm likely to do something much ruder back to them.
A cop told me just last week I shouldn't be that way but........................

LOL

"To be couth,
Or to be uncouth,
That is the question."