That "victim" word sure seems to be used so freely by people who can't relate to a particular person's life expereinces..
Like someone else said/ hinted at...you don't know what goes on behind the scene or what trauma or bad things a person went through ~unless you were there~...so don't judge..

Back decades ago...people didn't think abuse was real unless it left marks/ broken bones/ ER visits..

Nowadys, (most) people are aware of the mpore insidious stuff that never shows physical marks, but often hurts worse..because it f***s up your whole psyche/ self image...

The mental, verbal, and emotional abuse..

My mom was one of those...and no one believed me until they talked to my aunt/ her sister..or heard her on the phone (I handed the phone to the guy I was with before my late husband when she was in the middle of one of her tirades once...he said "yep, she's crazy..")
And, because *I* chose not to continue to be around her abuse/ cut off talking to her....*I* was the bad person...because the face she showed everyone else was completely different than what she was at home..

Most people would think I was making stuff up...that *I* was the crazy one (which is why to this day i have a sensitivity about this)...so I learned to stop talking about it/ asking for help....
I just stayedc away from her once I was able..
(when you are a kid...there's not much you can do)

So..quit being judgey about and tossing out that "victim" card when YOU DON'T KNOW what actually went on in that person's life..

Instead, be thankful YOU didn't have to go through that/ experience it.

I'm not saying I'm a victim or anything. I'm not even saying there was abuse. I'm really just sorting things out is all. I was really just pondering ideas.

At this point it doesn't matter what is or was, figuring about every little detail, or trying to, is not productive and only serves to keep you hanging to the past and stuck. Somethings are better left broken, so to speak.

I wasn't referring to YOU..
Just the general populace.

Some men are abusive Online just Emailing or chatting.

Move on , he's a. Loser.

I think our culture has made rude or undesirable or mean be symbolic to 'abusive'. And semantically, on one level, it can be synonymous. But I believe the nearly demonic criminal implication attached to the word 'abuse', causes it to lose its meaning, for me, much like the word 'love', which is also thrown around carelessly and for ill intent, IMHO.

I believe people do love others. And I believe people do abuse with all ill intent and sometimes criminal, but not nearly, in my opinion, as often as they and others perceive them to.


It feels like, IMHO, two contrasting concepts are converging to destroy us at once. The first, victimhood, which takes away the idea that we have power and choice. The second, the idea of all these 'conditions' that pop up with psychology, which takes away the idea that we have accountability.

I dont think it will end well if we dont get back to some balance between being victims or being 'sick'.

just MHO.

Again, not a statement that I do not believe love, abuse, and sickness are real things. Just that they have become sorely overused excuses that make the real things harder to recognize.

I think I get what you mean...
Yer talking about the pussification of America (the world) as determined by media overexposure of society.

I grew up in a world where if you were mouthing off rude and crude to someone, you got popped in the mouth. Being a snide twit got your azz beat when you went outside. You treated other people with respect and watched your mouth.
I also grew up in a world of many very angry people. Women and children toed the line in the presence of their masters. Those masters had extreme methods of control. There was also a lot of very twisted people in those master roles.

What we have learned is that the abused often becomes the abuser.
One of the important revelations of the media exposure is to teach the abused that the chain can be broken.
However, it also allows anyone to assess their own situation and cry foul, I am being abused.
They point fingers at their targets as the abuser and society, automatically sides with the poor victim, often without having all the facts.
People don't register that a victim can also be the abuser.

that not true.emotinal abise can cause depression and loneliness

Yes it can.
My statement was a general opinion, not an attempt to diagnose anyone specific.

Depression and loneliness are inner-personal conditions that might be initiated by an abuser but are maintained by the victim.
Especially in situations where the abuser is no longer actively abusing the victim.

Emotional abuse destroys self-esteem but the only person that can regain that self-esteem is the victim themselves. If it happens while the abuser is actively abusing, it can cause more abuse as the abuser senses in their victim.

However, once the abuser is no longer abusing, it is entirely up to the victim to play victim or not.
Many people carry round the abuse in their active consciousness and take no steps to heal.
I call these people professional victims because they use their victim hood to gain sympathy from others.

I find it astounding just how many women have been raped and sodomized by their fathers, stepfathers, brothers, uncles or male family friends.
My father never touched my sister in that way.
I never touched my daughter that way.
My father didn't emotionally abuse us kids.
I didn't emotionally abuse my kids.
While I was both physically abused and emotionally abused by my brother in law, I healed myself.
I feel no need to play the victim.
I fell no desire to continue the abuse onto the people I love.

My current gf does not play victim either.
I don't play victim to her either.
We live in the present and the abuser is no longer a factor so why carry it around?

Right, and I feel there is a difference between someone behaving badly, mistreating others, etc. and abuse. Some times the lines between them can get blurred and it can be confusing to distinguish between them.

I never had an issue before telling the difference, but some things, looking back on them and going on currently kinda have me wondering, but maybe that's just part of the process, IDK any more, but I do know when it's confusing, it's best not to focus too much on it, and just move forward.

So...are you implying that they are making it up/ it didn't happen to them because you never saw it in your own family?

People don't believe mothers can be abusive..we hear spo much about the dads being that way..
My mom was...and the fact I say it and talk about it doesn't meanI am "playing victim" or "carrying it around" any more than any OTHER life shaping experience I talk about...
So, people who were abused should not ever mention it / talk about it?
How is relating that any different than, say...talking about a couple years living abroad, or a really intersting job you once had....are *those* people "carrying " that around???

realy

I agree. Just a thought as well. I have always heard and took heed to the idea that much of what our reality is, comes from what our perception is. That is why some people can grow up with spankings and be fine, and others grow up to feel as if they were 'abused'. That is why sometimes adults have sex and both walk away satisfied with having gotten laid, despite having been drunk, and others can have sex and both be drinking, but one walks away feeling as if they were raped.

IT is also sometimes, IMHO, while people can not feel abused until after others start telling them that they were. Alot of it is about the perceptions we have and the perceptions we come to. Of course, there are terrible cases of abuse and crime that are clearly, in the moment and after, recognized as such. But I also think there is alot of conviction that goes on by the power of the perceptions OTHERS convince us of.


JMHO.

No, I understand there are some really twisted people out there.

Y'all can 'carry around' anything you want.
My preferences is to be with someone in the moment, not the past.
My past shaped me just like everybody else's past shaped them.
I choose to live in the here and now.
I've found someone else that prefers to live in the here and now.
We click together.
Its much easier to accept the past and live in the moment, IMO.

I found that to be untrue.
I found out that reality is always reality no matter how you perceive it.
Reality is not defective, my perception of it was.

You may see your coffee cup with coffee in it on the table.
The reality is, its a cup with coffee in it on the table.
You may see your car in the driveway.
The reality is, its a car in a driveway.
Perception is often associated with possession.
The reality is there is no such thing as possession.
If you were to disappear right now, its still a cup with coffee in it on the table, a car in a driveway.