Male/female relations are like a tennis match. It doesn't matter who serves but if one party stops hitting the ball back, the match isn't gonna last long.
As a pharmacist I was in a position to meet many women but in a position that didn't allow me to move on it. Can you ladies imagine getting your birth control & having the pharmacist come out & hit on you? So while at work, some women would simple ask if I would like to have coffee sometime. Female initiated and I could opt either way. Usually after the initial venture I would take over the lead but never minded the woman initiating anything. Outside of work it was 99% me initiating. I would love to have seen women doing the "long walk". Where the guy at a dance or bar walk clear across the room to ask a lady to dance, gets rejected, & has to walk all the way back. LOL. Would love to see how women deal with it. So I have no problem with women initiating just don't go dormant afterwards.

I'm pretty sure women would deal with it about the same as a man does Bob, it's not fun or a good feeling for anyone who's attempts are derailed.

I guess becoming dormant after the initial pursuit would end up giving that "derailed" feeling as well.

Thank you for your comments :)

Those are very valid and relatable fears River

This year I challenged myself to do something I never did in a romantic context. I asked a guy I was attracted to, out to a concert. I felt pretty sure I would be rejected as he never made a move on me in the 3 years I knew him as a friendly acquaintance , but I approached him nevertheless.


He eventually ended up declining politely as I anticipated, but the rejection didn't feel too bad as my invitation was very casual and friendly.. nothing creepy or clingy, and when he declined, I stepped aside casually, with the resolve to never ask him out again , but with the peace of never having to bang myself over the head with all the "what ifs" that would have haunted me if I didn't at least try.

I decided last year that my main motivation for doing anything in any area of my life would be to impress myself, regardless of what others thought and regardless of whether my outcome was desirable or not. I'm still kind to others, but their approval is not my main goal.

So while I hated this guy's rejection, I was really impressed by my own courage to try , and to do it with what I hoped was dignity and class.

We are clearly living in the Instagram era where our entire day revolves around getting "likes" from others , and I am deeply influenced by it, but I'm trying to develop the mindset that if I wake up and "like" myself , then everybody's "like" is extra, but not essential.

And it's kinda like a job application. you re likely to get a lot more rejection letters than acceptance ones

.. but then again .. Do we really need every agency to employ us? or just that special one ???

Back in November I had the displeasure of being messaged by such a guy...
THIS guy claimed in his profile he was a "confidient, self-assured" guy...which was why *I* didn't mesasage him..because, in MY expereince (not *yours*, MINE)...every guy that has mentioned his "confidence" and self-assuredness and knows how to be a leader, etc.....every one has been an unmitigated overbearing ***..

We had a few things in common, and I thought, well, maybe on the off chance this guy is different, I'll give it a go...
After chatting online for a couple days, we went to phone..

In the first 30 minutes of conversation, you TOLD ME I needed to get a cell phone..I asked why..
He said so you could keep in touch with me..
Why exactly?
Was he going to call numerous times a day to "check" on me?
What exactly is the reason he needs me to have a phone so you can "keep in touch with me"??

I don't have one currently (don't feel I need one), and dang sure not paying for one, I told him..
He said *he'd* pay for it..

There were other problematic thing said, and I was nice but mentally thought "nope"..
I didn't write him again on the site (was thinking about if I should just say "we're not compatible", or tell him *why* I lost interests..)..and as he didn't have *my* number (thank GOD)...he couldn't call me..

Then he writes me with the insinuation that I *must* be talking to other guys because I am not talking to him..(he saw me logged in on the site)..
That means he was on there too...and, if he isn't talking to other women (which i don't care about)...then only other reason would be to *check on me*..

I live alone, and no one else has access to the computer..so I never log out...no reason to..

So, when I tell guys I don't like pushy, donmineering, over-confident "alpha" dudes...I'm speaking from expereince..
Known more than a few (my ex in the 80's was one)...know it's not fore me.

Don't crowd or push a woman..
Don't ~tell her~ what she needs to do...because you are the man and need to make like "the leader".

Some women may like that, but..as far as I know, most don't..

There are ways to pursue someone without all that crap...I know, I had a few *good* guys pursue me, and it was great..

I love that peggy... "Impress myself"... much better than trying to impress others, which seldom works out as we'd like. I took a similar approach when I left my last seasonal job to come to New Hampshire. I signed up for 6 months and left after one month. What would people think, lol. But I turned it around and was impressed with myself for recognizing it wasn't for me and I really didn't want to be there. Looking over the last year, I am impressed with how many times I've climbed out of my comfort zone to start living rather than hiding in my room... a wonderful feeling.

Now if I can do the same when it comes to initiating, that would be lovely :)

And no... when it comes to a job, I wouldn't want every organization to employ me, so it makes sense to approach dating prospects the same way... Wait and appreciate that special one that comes along.

Thanks peggy

I love that peggy... "Impress myself"... much better than trying to impress others, which seldom works out as we'd like. I took a similar approach when I left my last seasonal job to come to New Hampshire. I signed up for 6 months and left after one month. What would people think, lol. But I turned it around and was impressed with myself for recognizing it wasn't for me and I really didn't want to be there. Looking over the last year, I am impressed with how many times I've climbed out of my comfort zone to start living rather than hiding in my room... a wonderful feeling.

Now if I can do the same when it comes to initiating, that would be lovely :)

And no... when it comes to a job, I wouldn't want every organization to employ me, so it makes sense to approach dating prospects the same way... Wait and appreciate that special one that comes along.

Thanks peggy

Thank you for sharing bluegrass... fortunately on Mingle we have the option to block unwanted messengers :)

I understand and fully relate to your point bluegrass , and I have also met the kind of persons you are referring to ,but maybe we have a different definition of confident.


Firstly I think the people that are genuinely confident don't usually go around bragging about how confident they are That sounds like someone who feels the need to prove something.

It sounds more to me like cockiness when someone uses their inner sense of power to wield over others or intimidate them.

I don't know how the life-long affluent people act in different parts of the world, but in my country (in informal settings) they actually dress very understated and carry themselves in a very unassuming way , and that's because they know they have money and power and don't feel threatened by the status of others .


Similarly, I think a truly confident person quietly embraces their own sense of power and assimilates with others rather than dominates them, because they are not driven by a need to prove their worth or be validated in the way that cocky people are.

I don't know if I explained it well , but confidence should be differentiated from cockiness/azzhole-ism

Nice!

From the day you were created there has been only one constant in your life.
YOU
When its all said and done 'everything' is your life according to you.

The only "Like" that actually matters is your own. The rest is fluff.

Self-esteem plays a large part in the first move and it can tell you a bit about how you look at life depending upon how and why your self-esteem may or may not take a hit from rejection.

Most self-esteem issues are the result of some type of delusion.
Commonly, putting someone on a 'pedestal' that they are better than you.
Everybody Poops.
Everybody Dies.
Everybody Bleeds when cut.
Everybody Sleeps.
Some people have more money than you, they have different problems than you.
Some people have better looks than you, they have different problems than you.

If you don't have complete control of your self-esteem, why not?
You are the only one that lives behind your eyes.
It makes absolutely no sense not to like yourself, love yourself.

There is only one expert on this planet on being me, ME.

Very well said Tom

LOL..

Yep...

Just like those guys who feel the need to keep saying how they are a "nice/ good" guy..or they keep sayingv they are a "gentlman"..

My late husband used to say "Quality sells itself"
(he did flooring..and that was kind of his motto)

If you are TRULY a nice/ good guy...or a gentleman...it will be evident in your every day behaviour...
You don't need to ~tell people~ you are...they'll readily see it.

You took a lot more chances last year than some people take in a lifetime River , and clearly the satisfaction you feel now was worth all the challenges implied. It's just a matter of time before that courage spills over into your dating life. I'm working on it too so you are not alone

Thank you... Here's to the both of us having more courage and it spilling over in that area of our lives

Well said Tom. I will always prefer if people approve of me.... will even feel bothered when they don't , but their approval should not be my goal. Gonna keep working on it , and happy new year to you Tom!

Cheers!

He meant if your work it excellent, people will recommend you..word of mouth travels a long way...
Just look at restaurant reviews (for good *or* bad) online.

But, feel free to use it...

All scammers here so why would anyone see it any other way

Interesting comment... Why are you here if you feel that way?

And if you stuck around the forums you would find your statement to be wrong!