How do you feel about this?

You were in a relationship with a person that lasted a year. You loved this person. For their own reasons, they ended it as far as a romantic relationship goes. You slept with this person. For that year you were intimate with this person almost every night. They decide after all this time they don't want that anymore. They just want to be friends now.

You have invested your heart. For your own reasons, you feel like you can't just turn off your feelings. You would rather just lick your wounded heart and move on. But even though this person doesn't want to be with you in that romantic sense anymore, He/she will not let you go. She/he just keeps hanging on to you. In a sense, you can say trying to make you stay in contact with them. Be a friend. Even though you are not comfortable because your feelings haven't changed.

How do you handle it when someone will not let you go? Have you ever loved and lost, and would just rather move on? But the person wouldn't let you or tried to hold you back from it? Maybe even try to make you feel guilty for it? Even when it was them that ended it?

Agree with Jaden. You are only creating drama for yourself by allowing this. Boundaries.

It takes time.

..yes I have had that happen....to me.. and I'm guilty of doing that to somebody..
Give it time maybe.. the two of you could try to make it work again... but if you're truly over it

Hmmmm.. a little something called block and delete does wonders..lol

..sooo.cold.. dig dang ice cold..
Wow.. from this day forward I shall dub you and refer to you as the ....Ice Queen..lol

After a 25 year marriage faithfully, I ended the relationship and refuse to see her.
It was really hard at first. I continued to make excuses for her behavior in my mind even tho my rose-colored glasses were off.
I don't have her phone number or her address. I stopped my kids from telling me what she is doing. I live in a different state so I won't 'bump' into her.
I was very angry with her at first but not anymore.
I just remember that she is a compulsive liar and selfish.
I realized that there is nothing I can do to change her, nor is it my intention to take her back.
Even if she fixes her personality and honesty, the damage is already done. Those tears are no longer my kryptonite.

Finding myself again took some work.
Trusting someone else took some work.
I can now identify compulsive liars and know what behavior is related.
I was also in a relationship for a year after the divorce.
I broke that off too after 1 yr 7 mo living together but we are still friends.
The reason was different in that case. Something else ended that relationship.

Like others have said,

if she only wants you to be her friend then thats it. its unfair for the both of you if you will insist to be more than friends. maybe someday you will end up with something/someone better.

I think its sometimes possible to remain connected as friends in those circumstances, but both people have to want it equally, and both parties usually need a break from each other to heal and regroup.

Depending on the dynamic of the couple however, sometimes the hurt is too much on one or both sides and its just not possible to move forward as friends.

I do think its very selfish of any person to guilt an ex lover into a friendship. People should respect their exes' right to heal and/or move on in the best way they know how. Friendship should never be forced on anyone under any circumstances.

Jades you hit the nail on the head....I totally agree.

I tell them to stop contacting me.
If they were my friend and cared about me, then they'd listen to me.

If they won't listen to me or respect what I want for myself, then they really don't want friendship.
If they won't listen to me or respect me, then I don't treat them civilly.


Sure.


Sure.
But I've been "lucky" enough in my life to move around a lot.
I've found distance to be a handy cure to that.
Otherwise just creating extremely strict boundaries and a social facade they weren't counting on.


Sometimes. People can be manipulative that way.


What's that saying for men about cows and milk? Why would he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free?
Ummm...Don't befriend a cow if you're not willing to milk it? Not willing to eat the steak?
Damn. I know there's an analogous saying in there somewhere.

IMO and worldview there is no real difference between a guy treating a woman as a bootycall and a woman wanting to be "just friends" with a guy.

Of course I also see little difference between prostitution and sports like MMA or football or a "volunteer" (historically all or predominantly male) military being paid wages.
Women can't sell themselves for sex, why should men be able to sell themselves for violence.

Point is, IMO, women and men can't really be "just friends" unless there is no attraction to any degree between them, and they both have healthy dating/sex/social lives apart from each other (even then, the relationship has a shelf life and is doomed to end either in ghosting or drama).

Otherwise it's just a woman seeking out the emotional validation of a romantic relationship while keeping her eye open for something more novel and "better," in a way that avoids the dangers of pregnancy.
Of course women delude themselves into believing "friends" has some sort of higher ideal. Kind of like men saying boxing is a civilized sport.

If she ends it, it has to end, otherwise there was no real purpose to the relationship except for her to experiment and explore the relationship she wants. Anything further is just an emotional complication and detriment to finding a healthy relationship.

I'm not seeing the problem. Sorry. Unless the other person actually lives in your house, or owns your only car, I can't see how they could block you from moving on.

And yes, I've dealt with people who had different ideas than I did about what to do after things don't work out. The only one that was all that bad, was when I was too young, and too desperate, and I was the one trying to hold on. And we DID live together, so it WAS incredibly difficult to sort out our lives separately. It almost doesn't count though, since we were so very young.

The key thing once you are a mature grown up, isn't what THEY think, it's how certain YOU are that matters. If you do actually care for them, and you are clear in your own mind that everything has to end, then gently steering them away isn't difficult to do. It's no different than dealing gracefully with anyone else in life that behaves in a discomforting way. Gentle but firm, easy does it.

it takes time in moving on. one day you'll realize that your totally moved on. focus of what you think is best for you.

A lot of times I'm my own worst enemy. I'm too kind and gentle hearted. When she ended our relationship about two years ago, I tried my best to turn my back and move on. After the breakup, I found out about some problems she had. She was diagnosed with a mental condition, plus, other health conditions that lead up to 9 different operations.

I bowed. I gave in. I guess I felt sorry for her. So, I allowed her to hang on to me. Now her mental and overall health is better. But she still thinks that I should be a friend to her. In a way, I have been a friend to her. I put my feelings aside. I let her hang on to me through her sicknesses. Even though I hurt inside. Now, I want to move on. I want to find what I want before it's too late. I'm not getting any younger. My feelings haven't changed. Every time I'm around her, it's a reminder. And she doesn't understand that.

What do you do with someone that just doesn't get it that you need closure? You need to move on?

Charles,
I think you are a true friend to be there for her during her health issues over the past couple of years. You have obviously respected her request to remain friends and not more.

I believe she should respect your feelings and needs by being a little less needy, appreciate all that you have done for her and allow you to find a new relationship.

Hopefully she will show you that respect. If not, it's up to you to move forward for your own well being. Good luck.

Well said Ameer

You don't need the permission /agreement of your ex to protect your own heart/mind charles.

The only permission you require is your own

Sounds like you ve been an excellent friend to this woman and thats so admirable!. Maybe now its time for you to be your own best friend and do whatever you need to do for your own healing?

If she calls herself a friend, shouldnt she do what she can to make your healing possible?

Yes, But that's just it. She doesn't get it. And that's where I'm stuck. This makes the third time I've tried to free myself from her. In a way, it's almost like being stalked. In her mind, she doesn't think of it that way. And refuses to see it from my point of view. I've been kicking around this earth for 55 years. This is the first time I've ever encountered a woman that just refused to go. I hear of men being this way a lot. But not women.

well, can't you stop answering any calls from her? Don't answer the door if she knocks.. dodge and duck..
make yourself unavailable to her.. sorry, but it seems pretty simple from this long distance..
tell her you have a girlfriend..

Have you tried showing her a new girlfriend?
I figure you already tried talking to her about it.
Even if you don't have a new girlfriend you could tell her you met someone and you will be spending time with your new girlfriend instead of her.
You could, but you shouldn't have to.

No means NO even when men say it.

Once again Peggy, you nailed it.

Wow. Thats tough! :(

Hmmm... It seems like you have 2 options.

1. Sustain the friendship and the hold she has over you by maintaining contact with her . The misery that entails will be excrutiating but it will free you up from the guilt of hurting the feelings of someone you love.

OR

2. You protect your heart by severing ties with her eg ceasing to answer her phone calls , choosing to walk away if she tries to force her presence on you etc. The guilt you feel from severing ties with someone you love will be excrutiating , but it will begin to free your heart to potentially find love with someone new in the future.
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Needless to say, your options are super crappy and both will tear you up inside, but .I dont think there is a right or wrong decision here.

Only you know yourself well enough to know which misery you can cope with better ie the misery of severing ties with someone you love deeply or the misery of slaving through a friendship that makes you feel trapped , and isolated from future romance.

We can easily stand on the outside and criticise the choice you commit to, but only you can know what misery your heart can cope with better.

Its terrible you have to go through this , but wishing you the best with whatever you decide