If it were you and you were faced with this, how would you handle it?


This is the scenario. A person that you know and have come to love has a friend of the opposite sex that lives with them. Nothing goes on between then sexually at all. It's totally platonic between them. This person is in their 60's and they have no real family to speak of. Nowhere to go at all.

The person you've come to love, you want to marry her/him. But, it's a package deal. You get his/her friend too. What do you do? Do you tell him/her that the friend that's getting old and already has health problems that if they want to get married that the friend has to go? Even though you know that you are kicking out a person that has nowhere to go?

OR, do you play it cool? Marry the man/woman and accept his/her friend and make a place for the friend to live? Like, maybe, outside you and your spouse home. But on the same property?

Remember now, if you kick this person out, their health isn't bad. But not great either. (This person has severe pain almost every day. They take several meds daily just to be able to function.) And the person will be living alone with no one to watch her/him. What do you do?

There are only two options for me.
The first, if I can't handle his friend and his care about another person, then I should admit, I'm not the right person to marry him.
The second, to accept his choices as they are part of him and his heart matters and to trust him that his choices are made the way, that don't harm our relationship.

But this is just theoretical. There are always other factors. How I would get along with his friend? How much she is involved in his daily life and etc. And what's main, how much I love him? Is it enough for putting my own ego aside?

What you are basiclly talking about is and informal family group.

If the relationship developed while this family group was intact I have to wonder if it will really suffer if it stays intact or suffer more by what ever absence might be felt if it fell apart.

Long lived relationships like that usually serve some purpose for all involved.

A lot depends on if the new relationship is valued higher than the existing one.

If the older relationship was just one of financial or safety that the new mate can easily replace the ageing tenant's loss of income to their personal expenses starts to be less of an enticement especially when their care demands will most likely radically increase. And placeing them anywhere else; especially with limited means, could be wait listed years resulting in an invasive number of caregivers if they can even be afforded in the interum.

Since life altering senior caregiving needs can last a decade or more sadly more and more sandwich generation caregivers are opting out before or while they still can.

Or if the old relationship offers some sense of comfort or security that the new partner is not going to be able to provide such as shelter, property, mitary or union benefits or some other financial/social windfall hthen it won't more than likely be abandoned.
I have seen informal family relationships held together over new ones because of personal secrets or stipulations of an inheritance.

Should the indigent person be able to have some kind of special treatment because of poverty and vulnerability? Depends how much the relationship inpairs on everyone well being. I kept a friend plus my Dad in in my home for you years with no pay and it ended one relationship and inspired another.

I don't know.

If I "know" them and I have stuck around them long enough to "love" them, then I would accept their "friend."

If their "friend" was going to be a problem with me I wouldn't have stuck around long enough to "know" them or "come to love" them.


Maybe.
I would figure it out with the person I "know" and have "come to love."


IMO that's not really an option in the scenario.

I can't imagine being remotely interested in anyone that would be willing to give someone they care about a place to live then arbitrarily kicking them out because they are in "love."

It wouldn't be me kicking them out, it would be the person I've "come to love" kicking them out.

I can't see me sticking around with someone long enough to "know" them and "come to love" them if they were the type that would say something like "Oh no, opposite-sex-health-challenged-older-person friend, it's not that I want to kick you out, but he asked me to marry him, and he doesn't want you around, even though you've been around all this time and knows the situation, so it's not me kicking you out, it's him."



The hypothetical scenario just seems unrealistic and limiting when "know them" and "come to love them" are automatically assumed.



If a woman on a dating site emailed me, we talked, and I wanted to meet her, and in conversation beforehand it came out that she had some old guy "just friend" in questionable health living with her, I would probably decline to meet her.

I like some of the responses so far, especially the ones that say more or less that if you think you want to live with/marry someone, but you only want to do that if they make a big change first, then logic leads to the conclusion that you actually DON'T want to live with that person after all. You want to live with someone else who is very similar, but not them.

Aside from that, I want to address another item in the opening post scenario, because I see it coming up pretty much EVERYWHERE these days. It's like a "fad philosophy/cover story." That is, that the declaration that the "extra person" is fully able to go off on their own, is entirely the judgment of the person who wants to kick them out. This is a fad almost everywhere now, and is used as a cover story for all sorts of selfishness. I would say that no one can make such a declaration about someone else. You can truthfully say that YOU don't care whether they feel in need or not and that YOU want to give them the boot, but it's not for you (the proverbial you, not accusing the OP or any other particular person) to say who is or is not "perfectly able to fend for themselves."

As the 3rd person entering the above-mentioned scenario,
seems simple to me and that is to honor the pre-existing
relationship in every way.

You agree to the package deal as you really love the person

Then a " unfortunate accident" happens to the other one and she / he's is not around anymore

hey... things happen

Short version of it all: "Love me, love my dog."

First of all it would require commitment and dedication for me to enter into a relationship.

Is the love reciprocated equally?


A higher level of relationship that is built between only the two of you.

Before I could commit to marriage we would need to find a solution that agrees with all three of us over long-term.

It would matter how intense their relationship is. If it was mother/son sister/brother or daughter/father it would require a different solution than say, work or social friendship.

Since she would be very important to me, I would try to find a solution that makes her feel good. I wouldn't be marrying him. It makes me wonder how often, even unintentionally, he would interfere with our intimate relationship?

Likewise, I would need to consider her responsibility to his welfare. Is it implied by their friendship or is it a much deeper responsibility?

We would also need to look at his ability to care for himself. Can we have a marriage relationship while accepting the responsibility of caring for him?

We could look at housing communities with residents that have others his age and condition. We could look at the costs and changes needed to utilize assisted care or residential care facilities. Does he have sufficient income and insurance? Will we assume his financial responsibility? How will those things impact our marriage and personal relationship?

This scenario requires more detail to work out a feasible solution.
Most importantly, the reason for her commitment to him and the severity of that commitment.

Now, If it is about accepting the responsibility of assuming a family. That's different.


I am seeking her, not them. The woman I intend to marry would know this.
If issued an ultimatum I will decline everytime.
As long as we work together like two mature adults a solution can be found.
As far as our relationship goes, his preference has no bearing.

Edit for spelling

I agree with sip sik on this.

This is basically about accepting your loved one's loved ones.

If there is a mutual respect between that roommate and our relationship, then I cannot see a problem.

If the roommate is not respectful of our relationship than I am not the one to continue the relationship IF it is conditional on living with that roommate.

That's not really a new idea, well probably new in the west, you need to talk to Mormons, Muslims and Hebrews on this one, I think they'd call that polygamous. Some of those relationships are not necessarily sexually related, its just common sense for people to band together in support of one another, weather its sharing of care, resources, finances, economics or time etc.

I personally wouldn't do it, I like my recluse space. I knew of a lot of religious people once who talked about communities they were part of that actually practised those things.

This thread can kind of be a heads up for singles out there depending on a living arrangement that can fall out from under them at the worst possible moment even after years and years.

The demographics I am seeing is the fastest growing homeless population is people in their late fifties to mid sixties. They don't fair well on the streets and are the first to be pushed out of the jail systems. And when the social work system does many to strong arm guilt extended into takeing them a few years later they are abandoned in the ER but doesn't keep them from being turfed back to the curb if they are even remotely lucid. Being ambulatory or able to figure out how to find services doesn't matter in the least.


Buy long term care insurance while you can get it and keep it up. Or get on lists for the minimal number of subsidized housing options and take it whenever they call. Usually when the weather is awful. Get rid of your junk because moving is really expensive. And yes their is minimal funding for inhome care it hardly ever is as much as is needed.

Where we are going in the USA are over crowded under staffed Medicare partial daycare centers then dumping the frail and elderly into board and (so called)cares like so many cords of wood to survive the night with little or no care, sometimes heat, or bathroom access houses in buildings so rotten they should be condemned in areas where ambulances and police don't go alone,

Sorry the above is kind of off topic and really depressing information for some but hopefully forwarned allows good planning and people who have the political clout to push for solutions.

Sorry dupi post

Ummm.. so their friend isn't basically able to look after themselves....hmmm.... and are the contributing financially to the household..?.....
So it's as if her friend is like her father or his father...hmmmm..
Or sibling giving the age difference..?.

Hmmm.. I have to admit this song Hit the Road Jack is coming to mind..lol..
.. can we just drop him or her off at an old folks home...???... is this the start to taking in every stray pet out there
.?..

I would marry the person and include the 60+ year old as part of our lives.

The 60+ year is old is a person. I assume this person has feelings and a personality. They are not furniture, an animal, or a robot. They seem to be treated like a family member so I would treat them that way. I would try to make them feel welcome and respected.