I know men need to give to a girl. It makes them feel good, masculine, and like your hero because he's taking care of you.
Even though you might not expect it, giving is a masculine energy thing..

I'm not talking about diamonds. I'm talking about a guy giving to you by showing he cares, not in a material way. But with the things he does, says.

That does mean that as a woman you have to be able to accept these things he does and says, appreciate them and show him that, and not wipe it of the table or neglect his gestures of giving.

Oddly enough many women have been brainwashed to do the giving, or to play down compliments (which is also giving!), or want to show him and the world that you can take care of things yourself. But a guy wants to do things for you, wants to give to you. When you take away that option from him, you basically emasculate him.

I know this, I've been trying to break these patterns, I am succeeding regularly, but dang is it difficult! So often I find myself doing it again, not noticing he is actually giving. Then later on thinking "chit chit chit!"
It is so incredibly hard!

Nice example: you're out for a walk. Guy thinks you're cold, takes off his jacket and put it around your shoulders.
Many women then react "No, no, it's okay. I'm not cold. Now you'll get cold, I don't want that. I'm fine!"
What Matthew Hussey -relationship coach- says: "Except the f*(king jacket!"
Even if you're sweating buckets, even if he freezes his @$$ off, accept the f*(king jacket!

Another relationship coach: if a guy puts his hand on your leg when you're in the car, a woman automatically puts her hand over his. DON'T!! Accept that he's giving to you and do NOT put your hand on his. Let him give you.

I'll say to you girls: try it, and find out just how hard it is to not put your hand on his
Somehow it doesn't feel right. I almost have to put my hands underneath my bum in order to not put my hand on his, hihi.

But there's also smaller things, sneakier because you don't notice them so easily. For instance when a guy says something really nice, or says something that indirectly tells you he misses you.
Such things so easily go unnoticed as 'giving from him to you'.

Why is this all so important? Well, the guy needs it to feel like a man, the man that can make his girl happy. And if you can receive it, you'll find that you as a woman need to be given to.
Problem is that if you constantly reject it, not notice it, and thus not show him your appreciation, he'll stop doing it altogether and you'll likely both end up being unhappy.
STuff like "He never does anything nice for me anymore. He used to..."
It's your own doing if he stops giving (exception to the rule exist of course).
But it's so hard to break these stupid patterns of rejecting 'giving' and to learn to receive.

I keep putting my foot in those things, grin.
Long story short, how do you fare on this?

It can be very tricky.

I don't know. I've been through a bit of both sides of such. Maybe it's one of my defects, but I'm as likely to feel put off by too much "appreciation" as by too little.

I think the main thing I wish I'd had less of, especially in the waning years of my marriage, was the attacks claiming I never did ANYTHING right or supportive. I didn't need pats on the back or anything, but I could do without the denials that I even tried.

I think acceptance can be a problem that's more in my own head, than in the other persons, when it comes to my end of this. Once a person's had to deal with enough duplicity and manipulation, someone just giving to you can trigger suspicion rather than pleasure, at first. So I guess for me, it's not so much learning to receive, so much as it is learning not to anticipate a bill for services rendered shortly thereafter.

I guess my recommendation to you would be, don't artificially offer praise (and don't accept unnecessary coats). I wouldn't want to find out later that I'd been torturing you. I personally would much prefer a specific approach to HOW you would appreciate things. Most of the time, a smile of recognition that my efforts occurred, and were welcome, would quite suffice.

And of course, on the days when I do blow it all badly, please don't fall into the trap of feeling that you have to go back and declare all the past effort to have been invalid. Show me that you do believe in me, by telling me what I specifically did wrong, in a way that makes it clear that you know I CAN do whatever it was right.

shoot... double post, lol

Yes, it is difficult after a less pleasant experience, isn't it. Even without I think most find it difficult as we all have been reared to be humble and/or to give to others. We have hardly been raised with the concept that it is okay and great to get compliments and to be given to. In some cultures more so than others.

I never show appreciation in an artificial way. I am too open and honest for that, and I don't like fake and artificial. I want as little masks and walls as humanly possible between us.
My appreciation is genuine, often I just thank him or tell him I really like it and that it makes me feel good. Can be combined with a sweet, loving touch, a smile or a kiss.
I sometimes do miss his 'giving', because often it's in the seemingly small things. He's not the kind of guy to buy me a bunch of roses or bonbons or anything. And to be honest, I'm kind of glad it's in other things. Him showing how much he loves me or indirectly telling me that he misses me means more to me than roses or chocolates. If he then occasionally buys me something, I appreciate it even more. He does that too. Not roses or bonbons, often seemingly insignificant things but when you notice them and think about it, they show more love and care than roses would.
Ironically these things can seem so normal that you'd forget it's actually an act of love and care.
Hmm... maybe I should ask for diamonds, hahaha. Helluva lot easier to spot. Just that I really don't care for diamonds, grin

We've all been reared in basic reciprocity.
"So what do you say to the nice man? Say thank you."
"Here's a lollipop for being such a brave kid during your shots."
"Tell santa what you want, and you'll get it if you've been a good boy."
"You can watch an hour of t.v. if you've done your homework."
"You can have desert if you eat all your peas."
Karma.

Reciprocating, especially in a mirrored fashion (they put their hand on you, you put your hand on theirs) is simply a means of communication. Figuring out if everything is okay, feelings are mutual, status is safe, the status quo and group structure is a-ok.


Women are more at risk with social reciprocity because inherent to it is an obligation to fulfill the social contract.
"I bought you a drink, so now you have to talk to me. I paid you a compliment, I was nice to you...now you have to be nice to me."


IMO the issue isn't learning to receive so much as learning to say no in a way that doesn't cause social friction.

A counter thought is "learn to hear and respect her no."



IMO the example is kind of like saying "if a guy gives you a hug, just accept it! Don't hug back, just take the hug, let him give!"

IMO much of the time guys are putting their hand on her leg to see if she'll put her hand on/in his, partly to see what she'll do.
It can be a test of progression or acceptance.
He knows it's okay for that level of intimacy if she puts her hand on his, it's giving him permission to do so, indirect communication telling him that it's okay, or good, desirable, that he's doing it, that she wants him to.


It's not just a "guy" thing, it isn't necessary to feel like a man, it's necessary to feel like a human being and part of an intimate couple (group).
Reciprocity is automatic indirect communication that offers constant updates on the relationship.

What you give in exchange, how you react, is just as important as what you're receiving.
Sometimes not giving something in return is communicating something important.
Just like no response is a response on dating sites.

And then we're right back to expectations.
Some situations a guy putting his hand on your leg he's going to expect you to put your hand on his, and if you don't, it's going to tell him something is "wrong."

Some situations a guy putting his hand on your leg he's going to expect you to not put your hand on his, that you're going to take the intimate touch for granted, as normal, as accepted, that you're close enough that touching each other doesn't really warrant special attention, that you're so bonded that you touch each other all the time, that intimate touch is the norm, and doesn't require special attention or focus.
That can't be "learned" though, that's a natural and organic growth to a relationship.


And that's why learning to communicate in a relationship is so important.
And why it's important to realize that most communication has absolutely nothing to do with what comes out of your mouth.


Guys will always give.
People will always give.
Giving is a means of communication.
People will simply try different avenues in an attempt to get the responses that provide them the information they want, avoiding those things that aren't validated, don't give them the feedback they want/need.

If he stops giving one way, he's giving another that you might not appreciate or even understand as such, and be providing feedback you have no control over or even know you're doing.


It's a two way street.
The onus is just as much on them to learn your patterns of what you're rejecting and why, and learn how to give in a way that fulfills their expectations, provides the feedback and information they're looking for.

IMO a healthy relationship doesn't force someone to "break" their patterns, so much as learn to accept and adapt to them.
Organically or through willful effort.


More slowly than the people I date want me to.

Gee, who'd a thought giving someone a gift was so complicated?

If I'm out with my girl and I buy her an ice cream, it's not to "make me feel like a man". I do it because we're friends, and because by the time she finished digging around in her purse looking for here billfold the place would be closed.

However, if she demands ice cream every time we pass the store, never says thank you, and never offers to pay, it's the last ice cream she'll ever get from me.

Matthew Hussey i would love to meet and attend one of his talks someday. Crystal i guess for me being brought up in a family where people are not expressive with their feelings, its kinda hard to just accept displays of affection but lately i found out i can recieve and even give only with the right person and no one else. this is just me though. did i say Matthew Hussey is i dearly hope the rumors about him being gay is NOT true

Great post CrystalFairy. I totally agree and it was hard for me too. Especially having been on my own for so many years.

my hunny likes to hold hands; he tells me he likes to be with me; and that he likes to make me feel good... communication is so important.

I wasn't really talking about material gifts ...
and yeah, people kind of demanding/expecting you to always do something isn't nice.

Haha, I must admit I've wondered about that as well, but I didn't know there were rumours he actually was gay.
But you can still drool over him, haha

Yes, I think that can be what makes receiving more difficult for many women. You get used to taking on the masculine role as well as the feminine role, and get used to having to do everything yourself.
I've seen that in a few single girlfriends, and couldn't believe how masculine they'd become. I once asked one of them about it, and she was actually proud of it? Such a shame because that doesn't help to get yourself a partner either.

Err... yes. That's what this topic is about... Receiving IS the communication. That's why I started this topic, because often we don't see that, or forget that. Not when you get a material gift, that one is easy.


That is slightly different because then he has different intentions -and expectations. In that case he's not giving, he's probing, checking out the situation. Not what this topic is about...


Again, which is what the topic is about. I don't see why you have to just rephrase and regurgitate in your comments what I said / asked about in my OP.


Really? It may be a natural tendency to give, but these can be disturbed by other people's reactions. And it's also a natural tendency that if you make an effort time and again and it is never appreciated to stop making an effort. At least for that person, but in some cases even altogether.


So it's okay to learn to accept and adapt through willful effort, which is actually forcing something on someone.
But it's NOT okay to choose to break your own patterns through willful effort so you become a better communicator, partner and happier individual?
Sorry, that does not compute.
As for healthy communication.. again, that is what this topic is about. Being able to receive in a good way IS healthy communication, and that is this topics subject...

I think I need a "Safe Space" after reading this.