I was told the other day that a woman should never be the first to say those three words "I love you".

I'm not convinced. I know men find it more difficult to express their feelings than women do.
On the other hand side, so called experts say the guy has to initiate the commitment, not the woman.

Any thoughts on this?

Expressing feeling does not imply commitment of any kind that requires another conversation all together.... Being able to express ones feelings is a start but it does not follow that any commitment is forthcoming and if a person believes that, they are assuming a great deal with no evidence just wishful thinking as sharing feelings has little if anything necessarily to do with any commitment.

Women are more secretive about their feelings...comes from wearing their genitals on the inside.

It depends on what you mean by I love you
I love every one
My compatibility with individuals varies

It also depends on what they think when they hear the word I love you.

Having set rules as to when and who should say it first is ridiculous

When it is said context should be taken into account and further explanation of what is meant by it is mandatory imho

Oh and also remember advice coming from an expert is coming from an X= unknown quantity and a spurt which is a drip under pressure

It worked for Princess Leia.

yes i wont say it first and wont even say it if i dont mean it

This isn't a gender related concern. It's really about the individual people, their previous experiences, and the times they live in.

The timing in your life, is most what it's about. When people are younger or less experienced, they are more likely to be MISTAKEN when they declare love. More likely to simply be "in lust," or "feeling relieved that this person hasn't poked me in the eye with a stick yet" than anything else.

I think most people have probably witnessed or participated in youthful discussions around someone saying "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you," as part of pushing an anxious suitor away. That is part of the "yeah it's love, but what does love mean?" area of life.

One person's "I love you," means nothing more than "right this minute, I feel horny and you look good," while another person's "I love you" means "here's a contract which I've already printed your name on, obligating you to accept my faults, my debts, my dog, my screaming fits when you forget to leave the lid down or up" and so on.

My own advice, is that for anyone, male and female alike, don't say it until YOU know exactly what you mean by it, and are prepared to explain that to the other person. It would be a good idea to be prepared as well to accept whatever reaction they have to your saying it, with grace.

In a way that is true, but if it would work that way between people in a love relationship, it wouldn't be awkward to say it. Yet it is awkward. And not because people find it difficult to express/receive a feeling message, but because of what it means: a steady relationship, a commitment.
How many men back out of a relationship as soon as the woman has said those 3 words? And not cos those words scare them, but the thought of being in a committed relationship does -for whatever reason. Can be too soon, he can be a commitment phobe, whatever reason. But it does happen, and I think it happens a lot.

Not sure if, and why, women would find it scary to hear. Anyone?

Also good points you raise. But again more reasons for making it awkward --> If you say "I love you" and then get "That's nice. What do you mean?"
"Errr... Never mind, dear!"

In a way it's odd that such a beautiful statement has to be so awkward for both parties. Shouldn't it be the most wonderful thing in the world to hear and say?

Your assumption as to what expressing ones feelings means is the issue as there is not a commitment contained in an expression of feelings only one that a person wants to believe. Without conversation regarding any type of possible relationship this is not known nd assuming there is a type of implied relation is wishful and immature since the top has not been discussed. Assuming things without conversation is foolish and likely to lead to confusion, pain and great distress.

Men are fixers by nature. They see a situation and assess it...is there anything wrong with it? No....ok in no need of fixing.

when you say "I love you" you make us re-analyze the situation. Generally when a woman says those words, she's assessing the situation as we "does he love me too?"

We start immediately thinking "Do I love her?" "I thought things we great, does she want more?" "if she wants more, am I willing to give more?" Then perhaps "I don't have enough data (time) from them to make an informed decision." So it's either make a decision, stall, or walk away.

I think its analogous to how men and women shop differently.

My girlfriend sees somethinga and is "I like it, it's pretty, I buy it"

I see something, I like it, but I read reviews, research it, and THEN decide. ..if a salesmen tried pressuring me to buy it, before I've had a chance to research. ..I'll get annoyed. ..I see a premature "I love you" the same....possibly pressuring before I've made a decision. .that I'm already gathering and analyzing data to make

The lack of emotional content and its necessary expression make the process difficult and not knowing this often leads to misinterpretation and errors in unstated and or vague terms of endearment. The more emotionally competent ( how one feels, what one feels and is able to easily express these makes communication effective and a better likelihood of being understood.) If people had a greater understanding of their own feelings and their expression the process would be better given and received and the degree of ambiguity, confusion, awkwardness would be diminished.

The only time this is really a problem is when the love isn't real or based on anything.
When healthy, effective, communication hasn't been developed in the relationship.


This isn't really true.
It's like saying "women find it more difficult to want sex than men do."

Men don't find it "difficult" to express their emotions.
Traditionally speaking they are simply trained not to express them, to deny them, pretend they're other feelings.

A woman expresses her sexuality often and clearly gets called names, although lots of individual guys will idealize it in women on one on one conversations "I'd love a woman who was comfortable with her sexuality!"

A man often and clearly expresses his emotions gets called names, although lots of women will idealise it and say "I'd love a guy that was in touch with his emotions!"

And what do most people do?
Look at the forums "what's a definition of love? Why do all guys...why do all women?...why do all liberals...why do all conservatives..."
IOW there's a general bias of "why do people as a group want this, but this individual doesn't conform to that, what do I do?!"

People constantly look for shortcuts on how to define things, heuristics on how to approach new situations, different people, label things, put in a box, make things easy.

People rely on their general experiences that can be applied to everyone in general over interacting with each person in general.
It's the only way day to day living is possible.

Men don't find it "difficult" to express their emotions.
Doing so is simply not validated 90% of the time, social life is easier when they don't, and general society fulfills expectations when they follow the script of not expressing them.


At best they based their ideas on studies.
Studies will "find" things like "51% of 10,000 studied couples showed relationships where the man initiated the commitment by saying I love you first led to longer relationships (36 months vs 31 months for female initiation), a higher reported rate of happiness (4.3 compared to 4.1 for female initiation)."

Relationships are still an individual experience.
There are no experts.
Only general statistics that can't really be effectively applied to individuals, only groups.



It's more complex than timing of "I love you."
Some people think they "love" someone but tell the other person so because communication in the relationship sucks and they're trying to force a response to figure out what's going on, where they stand, but they're rationalized that they're saying it because it's how they feel, so they believe it.

Sometimes someone will not say "I love you" and wait for the other person to say it. But the person waiting was really expressing it via indirect behavior, which the other person picked up, and that's the only reason they said it, not because of feelings, but because indirect communication triggers as a means to drag it out of the person wanting to say it.

Sometimes someone will hold back the "I love you" and after it's shared (when the other person says it "first") the other person will have a seed of doubt. "what else are they keeping back? This whole holding it back and waiting until I said is just a game. Feeling it, thinking it, doing something, and then not telling me, that's the same as a lie of omission. They're just like all the rest of those that lie and play games." Only all that is through emotional triggers rather than clear rational thoughts. Causing that person to withdraw.

Of course then the person that waited thinks something like "OMG! They said I love you, I said I loved them, then they withdrew! It must be because they're afraid of commitment! Or they were lying and it was all about sex!"


It's easier to just say what you think and feel as soon as you're sure.
And if you're not sure, you take a risk and responsibility.

Depends on when she says it. For example.....

If she says "I Love You" during sex, then I know she loves my penis and the way I move....which is flattering.....However....in the heat of the moment I have to take those words with a grain of salt.....Unless afterwards she gets up and makes me a sandwich....then I know it's real.

If she says "I Love You" after I just paid off the loan shark she owed money to, then I know it is an emotional response, which will lead to sex....which could lead to here saying those words again....so see the above statement.

If she says those words during the Holidays, then more than likely she either wants a nice gift or she wants me to dress up as Santa, she will then sit on my knee (dressed as a naughty elf), and then Santa will make her his Ho-Ho-Ho.....wait a minute....that was a dream I had last night about Jennifer Anniston. My bad.


Honestly, I am of the belief that if she feels it then it doesn't matter if she says it first. However, I do know that most women do prefer to hear it come from the man first. Why that is? I have no clue. But all I know is that I love this post and I said it first...so it should feel special.

Goofball - too funny





OP ~ I don't think anyone can really be an expert on this topic.

There are no rules, but you do sort of put yourself out there if you say it first - which is why most people prefer to say it after it's already been said to them.

I also read an article that - women should never contact a man first on a dating site - you'll never know if he likes you. Women should never call a man, women should never this or that ----

Do what YOU feel comfortable doing - is what I think. I am the one living this life, and while I appreciate those with expertise on some topics - I do not believe anyone truly knows the way love "should" go....

I don't have much to say after reading your perspective on this subject. That's how I see it.

A woman would be wise to fear a premature "I love you" especially if it comes with an implied I now own you.

Unfortunately many a woman would take such an advance as, he must really love me and turn their fear in to titillation.

I think if really feel it you should say it no matter who they are but remember to have love is a powerful thing

hay