I have had a few long term relationships and have always been faithful. Not always true for my partners.

What I have found is the lies and deceit cause more hurt than the cheating. In fact after the initial hurt is done I have no problem with the actual infidelity but the betrayal is what I cannot stand.
I have come to a conclusion that monogamy might not be the best way forward.

Has anyone else found this.

** Topic writer peggy122 could give you a smooth reply. But all you have for now... is me.

** Birds of a feather flock together.

* Find a good match that reflects your values that are important to yourself.
* Monogamy like democracy "sucks" at times. But is still the best!

Personally I think monogamy is the biggest nonsense there is. If both choose to be monogamous, nothing wrong with it.
But I always found the idea daunting. Never falling in love again, never feeling butterflies in your tum again, never kissing another man again etc. etc.
And why not?
Most people fall in love with someone else at some point in life, some act upon it, others don't. Sometimes it means their relationship is over, in other cases they work it out.
But the fact that it happens to almost everyone, doesn't that say something?

I don't think it's even in human nature to be monogamous. It's just societal rules and norms & values that have forced us to live that way.
If you have a beautiful, physical moment with someone else, it doesn't diminish your love for your partner. Most people even say it only enhances it.

Fact remains that our society is still too patriarchal. Most people think not monogamous means you have sex with just about anyone, and that is not how it would be.

How to move forward? Find yourself a partner with the same norms & values and keep the relationship healthy so both parties remain happy.

And yes, you're right, the betrayal is worst as that means the trust has been seriously damaged. Won't be easy to restore that.
Good luck

Indeed to be monogamous sometimes is difficult. I never been in relationship by the way, but what i see is people cheat lots to one another. So women with more than one man call polyandry, man with more than one women is polygamy...both ways are great if two people agree to go for it. Even swingers sometimes is great if both agree to go for it. Whatever u go for, polyandry, monogamy, swinger...etc it is never a cheating , because both agree to do something different not behind their back. I am very open minded man

Thanks Crystal. That's exactly how I see it.

You will need one of those Super King beds, for those busy nights.

Beds are for sleeping in ;)

True, but it keeps the rest of the furniture in the house from getting sticky.

Since most of us have been through multiple break-ups in our lives with people we once adored, most of us have learned first hand that feelings are fragile and everchanging . So why do we expect monogamy to be successful when its based on something as fragile and everchanging as our FEELINGS ?

I suspect the few people who succeed at monogomy are the people who do not base it on their love for their partner or their partner's love for them .... Because as we know, our mates , as well as ourselves, even in the best of relationships, are rather unlovable at times

I think monogamy has a chance of working if both parties are committed to some personal ideal that they live by in ALL aspects of their lives irregardless of the people or circumstances involved.

For some it is the ideal of honesty to others, or treating others as they wish to be treated or even their devotion to their religion.

But whatever that principle is , it has to be something very personal to the individual and a CONSTANT in their OVERALL lives, irregardless of time, people or circumstances.

And as Crystal and ErotiDoug said, people ultimately have to choose partners with compatable values at the end of the day ,so that they are progressing in the same direction whether it be the lifestyle of monogamy or the lifestyle of multiple partners.

On an interesting note, I have heard of many couples engaged in open relationships, who still feel the need to be treated as the MAIN partner amidst the other partners , and to receive the MAIN benefits or loyalty in that union, amidst the other hook-ups.

I venture to say that even in relationships that are so theoretically free, there always seem to be a need in humans to claim ownership over another human , whether they admit it or not.

Ownership...sounds pretty kinky, Peggy.

""Cuckold,
When used in a fetish context, describes the fetish of men who find masochistic pleasure in watching their wives have sex with other men. The man is complicit in the infidelity and often helps arrange the meetings. The couple need not necessarily be married, but there needs to be some kind of commitment between the two.""

Hey OP, whatever trips your trigger...but I'll pass....

I'm the boring type that's into monogamy Maxsterx

And my version of the ownership concept is belonging to each other by choice

I can understand how people come to that conclusion but

I have not

sex is not a mandate in my life, ,but sharing it with someone special will always be 'better' for me than bouncing around without meaning,,,,

{again, this is how I feel about sex in a commitment vs casual }

I think there are two types of cheating..

A. the one we all agree on sexual.. And when that happens some relationships can recover from it and make a stronger one than before. Most of the time not likely.

B. The emotional cheating, this type of cheating most don't ever recover from it.I know I wouldn't


When I enter into a relationship of monogamy I give it a lot of thought can I do this with this person. Do I want to ?? Big questions..

If the answer is yes, I will expect to belong to that person and they to me. Period.. I don't cheat in either category nor will I be cheated on I am worth more than that.

So I think long and hard before I enter into a one on one relationship.


Monogamy isn't for everyone, and while I respect other's opinions and lifestyles I would hope they would respect mine and not even bother me with an "Open Relationship"

A relationship for the purpose of building and raising a family is pretty much the only reason and way monogamy works.

Outside of that, relationships only have a limited shelf life until you get bored with each other.

As the only reason you are really driven to have sex in the first place is to...build and raise a family.

Driven to have sex is different than pursuing sex.

People pursue sex because they are basically junkies that like getting high on the chemicals released before, during, and after sex.
It feels good. It's a sustained high. It's easily replicated.
No different than those that pursue sky diving and horror movies.
"It's a lifestyle!"

If you rely mostly on what drives you, then you are going to naturally be pushed to get away from someone you aren't knocking up and go try to do it with someone else, in order to knock them up.

If you rely mostly on what you pursue, getting the high, eventually you are going to acclimate to the high, and have to start "spicing things up" in order to maintain it. Chasing the dragon requires more extreme measures which are going to be different based on their personality and available known alternative options.


Most every single human being that ever said or thought:
- I should put off marriage.
- I enjoy being single.
- I like dating multiple people.
- I want to focus on my career and education and just have fun.
- I'm going to download tindr.
- Everyone I like, doesn't like me. Everyone that likes me, I don't like.

And pretty much any reason people use to justify not pair bonding off right around their mid to late teen years and are perpetually single or in one failed relationship after another.

i.e. "I want the pleasure, not the responsibility."

They just haven't come to the same exact clear conclusion of "monogamy might not be the best way forward."

Mostly because of social training telling them that such a statement might make them look "bad" and be judged. As weirdos and perverts and pedo's and something's wrong with them.

And people can't go around thinking they are "bad" or that something is wrong with them.

"Bad" people tend to get ostracized.
Being ostracized is an atavistic fear.
It causes stress that only increases unless alleviated as you're driven to conform by your own subconscious.

So "bad" people rationalize how what they are doing is the "better" way and therefore "good" way to do something in order to avoid the stresses of being afraid of doing "bad" things all the time and to avoid conforming and losing their path to pleasure.

And then usually form their own groups to ego stroke each other, maintain a steady supply for their demand, to protect from being ostracized from the larger society, and to justify their pursuit of hedonistic pleasure or selfish gratification, which usually isn't in the best interest of the larger society but may be in the individual's.

There you go.

Perhaps it's a matter of how one sees life itself. As a human being, and in particular, being in an intertwined life with another human.

I discovered the hard way, that I am very much the kind of person who wants to build a long term life intertwined with one other person as a mate. The life I want, isn't comprised of fabulous fun and entertainment 24 x 7, and it isn't all about my feeling turned on all the time.

What excites and fulfills me, isn't just the sex and the feeling of being "in love." That's just brain chemical crap, as far as I'm concerned. Nice stuff, but no human accomplishment involved.

The adventure to me, is to care for, help, and live with another human being for a lifetime. Maybe it's the same reason I like having children, despite the tremendous burden they can be.

Just my opinion, but I find people who iterate generally against monogamy to be annoying. It's my impression that a lot of them only criticize monogamy in that general way, either as a sort of petulant revenge against the world, for letting them go through being betrayed, ...or because they actually don't feel right about screwing around, and cover their sense of guilt, by blaming loyalty itself.

The ones who genuinely don't care about it, don't bother to talk about it, they just go about their lives.

+1

Give this thinking a gold star. ^^^^^^^5^^^^^^^^

Real monogamy and love are and eternal circle where both parties work each day rediscovering those nuances and values that made you infatuated in the beginning and finding new bonds that bind you even closer. Loving the person who is not perfect but is perfected in your mutual love.

Sadly some people fail but that is not a reason to damn the world or the reality that you are worth more than being a temporary lover if you make yourself so.

Monogamy is not for sissies or those with minimal self control or self esteem true but it is way better than the alternative for most of us .

There is one more thing I want to add Cuckold4you.

Monogamy works for some people, and for others , it doesn't.

I think too many people are dishonest about who they are at their core, and base their decision of monogamous or non-monogamous relationships on the nature of the person they are with. In other words, they simply react to the environment around them rather than living out who they are at their centre.

My personal decision to be monogamous is not based upon whether my partner is faithful to me or not, or lovable to me or not. It is based on a value system I have about life, which manifests itself in all other aspects of my life as well.

But there are two many people who are monogamous at their centre , but who decide to have multiple partners as an act of retaliation to all the unfaithfulness in the world.

But at the end of the day, that person is still likely to feel conflict and emptiness on the inside if a multi- partner life is not who they are at their core.

On the reverse side, there are people who know that their eyes are always straying, and that one person is not enough for them ,but they cram themselves into the confines of monogamy because they are attempting to please the person they are with , with disastrous consequences.

Translation: It is crucial to figure out and honour what your core values are , as well as to find a partner who shares your values.

Be authentic.

Be transparent.

And always understand that whatever choice you make, there are always potential disadvantages that you will encounter and have to cope with as a responsible adult.

amazing ain't it how many people justify bad behavior and lack of morals